I once had sex with someone from a special needs home.
Does having had relations with a cabbage qualify me for this QOTW?
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 16:59, 9 replies)

Yoghurt
So a female friend of mine had some kind of funghal infection in her ladybits and the doctor had told her the best way to deal with it was to apply natural yoghurt. Said ladyfriend started off dribbling a teaspoonful in, then a desert spoon with some light rubbing, then a cupful massaged in, you get the idea. She found it was a very pleasurable sensation and even after her infection was cured would regularly pleasure herself with a carton of yoghurt.

So having told me this while being, ahem, intimate, she suggested we should try sex with yoghurt as a lubricant. I couldn't think of a reason not too, so she liberally applied yoghurt to her parts and I plunged in. And yes, not at all unpleasant.

But there are some disadvantages:
- never fall asleep after sex with yoghurt all over you. It stinks.
- never have yoghurt sex when it's very hot. It goes all lumpy and looks like puke.
- never have yoghurt sex if you're very hairy. You can't wash it out and your genitals will smell like a dairy for days if not weeks.
- never give oral sex to someone who's got a hairy minge and has been wanking with yoghurt the whole summer.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 16:45, 6 replies)

Beware of pancake batter
When I was younger and experimenting, I made up a batch of pancake batter with a cup of warm water. The consistency was incredible, and I proceeded to slather it all over down there, and in the shower had a wank that was just exquisite. I remember thinking, "Wow, that was fantastic, like warm soft mud... This is a keeper; I'll be doing this again very soon."

Cleaning up was a bit of a bother, as I noticed that the stuff really sticks to body hair. Took quite a while, but I got it off, or so I thought. The next morning, I had these white spots on my sack, under the skin, some as large as cashews. I was perplexed, until I realized what had happened: I didn't get all the batter off the hairs, and at night as I slept, somehow it had moved down the follicles. I couldn't bring myself to actually try cutting them out, as I knew pain would be involved.

Well, that was over 12 years ago, and they're all still there. Once every few years one of the smaller ones will get pinched on accident, causing it to swell and "pop", leaking out the fluid and eventually a nice little ball of what is obviously white pancake batter. But otherwise, they don't hurt and are more of a novelty to anyone who sees.

Now I'm hungry for pancakes, cooked of course.
(Jaycatt, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 16:43, 12 replies)

I once dated a lady who worked for Audi and loved Chinese food
When it came to sex she liked nothing better than to strap a spring to her knees and elbows and bounce around on all fours with a duck pancake in her mouth. We used to have the most explosive orgasms that way; she said it was all down to the “Four spring duck technique”.

Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 16:41, 3 replies)

Earlier today
..when I was at work, I put my willy in the gherkin slicer.







We were both fired.

*gets coat*
( mango_charlie, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 16:39, 3 replies)

Not a long story...
My ex (the bitch) use to love Spicy Monster munch, the smell lingers in your mouth for a while. She gave me one of the very few BJ's i have had from her. When I went for a piss a few hours later I thought to myself, I can smell monster munch. Not nice.
(rambosilk Liberty for wolves is death to the lambs., Thu 6 Aug 2009, 16:33, Reply)

Edible underwear
She ate them straight out of the packet. 2 strawberry flavoured thongs.

"I was hungry!" she explained. Duh.
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 16:21, Reply)

Chocolate Sauce
Tastes funny, looks funny and after you've just done the Big A puts you off sexy time with your partner for a while.

In bad lighting and wasted frame of mind it's like a scat queens delight down there...

Goes and gets the mind bleach, again.
(Helo, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 16:21, 1 reply)

Honest..
...my best friend was having some sexytiem with her then boyfriend and they decided to spice things up a bit. Since there were no carrots in the house her boyfriend decided the next best thing would be a potato*.

Cue twenty minutes of panicky attempts at extraction. He went after it with two forks in the end.

* No, I don't see what erotic appeal a spud in the mimsy holds either.
(surlygirl spanked your monkey on, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 16:17, 9 replies)

I got....
chilli on my cock.
(nappy rash, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 16:10, Reply)

I'll never look at fruit pastilles the same...
Similar to Monkey the Chicken's oyster mystery I knew someone at my university who had a much more gruesome experience. Normally I wouldn't post something in qotw if it wasn't my own experience but it just needs to be told.

Basically he was pretty wasted one night on alcohol and weed, as most university students tend to be, and ended up getting with a girl, they started messing around just the normal non edible forms of sexual experimentation at first. But then she thought it would be hot to stick up a roll of fruit pastilles up her womanly orafice and have him eat them out of her. So he stuck 3 up there and went ahead with it, though the 4th one was a bit unexpected but he was off is head so thought nothing of it and passed out somewhere.

Next morning he wakes up with half his face covered in a nasty rash. He went to the doctor, the doctor wasnt sure what it was and at this point he thought it would be a good idea to tell him about the 4th fruit pastille.
'Ah, ok. Basically the 4th one was a genital wart.'

Honestly, it wasn't me.
(Plog, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 16:08, 18 replies)

A bad experience with an older lady....
I put 6 oysters up her velvet pocket but sucked out 7. I'm not sure what the extra one was.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 15:52, 22 replies)

Figging
is the best fun you can have with a piece of fresh ginger.
( sm.pl.crt.rs I don't fucking know, do I?, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 15:49, Reply)

Chilli
I'm not the first, and I won't be the last this week.

When you've cooked with chilli, wash your hands. If you're cooking for an intimate partner, don't cook with fresh chilli. Even if you wash your hands well, it doesn't really all come off.

She leapt up, and headed straight for the bathroom. Five minutes in the shower, and everything was alright again. But I kept my hands, and everything else, to myself the rest of that evening....

Another friend who had a similar problem said that a little yoghurt applied in the right place helps cool it down, for anyone who finds themselves in that situation in the future.
(sabre-tooth monkey, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 15:46, 7 replies)

I think this counts...
A friend of mine woke up one Saturday morning with a stonking headache after a night out on the booze.

As he came to in bed, he went through that process of adjusting slowly and painfully to his surroundings we all go through after too many pints the evening before.

- He was confused about the slick feeling between his legs
- He was confused about the mayonnaise on his pillow
- He was confused about the garlicky smell
- When he pulled the covers back, he was confused to find pitta bread and meat all over his cock.

That's when it came back to him. The night before, drunk and lonely, he had got back to his room with half a kebab, and decided that since he was single, horny, and not hungry anymore, a garlic-mayonnaise and hot meat filled handful of pitta would make a passable vagina-substitute.

Oh yes, he'd fucked a large donner. I still don't understand why he told us about this.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 15:39, 2 replies)

Theres a good old fashioned song with some food verses
The quartemasters store

my favourite verses are often popping up after normal conversations, the mrs see's it coming (I have only just stopped saying one-time/two-times from the fugee's)

Can i have a kit kat prompts "A kit Kat she wanted, four fingers she got"

And the mrs loves a cheesboard when in a rest-a-rante - "Stilton she wanted, my blue vein she got"

It amuses me no-end to see stilton sauces and the "Is that made from REAL stilton?" quizzically asked to a waitress as the mrs slowly tries to hide. Anticipation of the gag is so much more than the gag itself.

(i think rugby had a lot to do with the modern verses)
Oh marriage is both a joy and a curse.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 6 Aug 2009, 15:39, Reply)

breast milk - right out of the lady tit - Mmmm.
tastes good. Don't have to much, you'll feel ill - Like you've drank a tin of condensed milk. Which I guess kind of have done.

Try any thing once.
(waxdart hello., Thu 6 Aug 2009, 15:38, Reply)

The spring onion marketing board
LIARS.

The spring onion is not the "Barry White of the veg world"
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 15:35, Reply)

On of my school mates from sixth form
Was sacked from his job at Sainsbury's.

He was caught shagging a frozen oven ready chicken!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 15:34, 1 reply)

Always
check your girlfiends mouth for chillis pre-bj after inserting a spring onion into her vinegar.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 15:22, 2 replies)

Got a mate at work called 'KitKat'
'cos he shoved one up a guy's arse and then proceeded to eat it out, but also 'cos he could take 4 fingers up himself
( Insane Maniac musically inclined (about 45°), Thu 6 Aug 2009, 15:20, 1 reply)

Apparently
spring onions sting when inserted into the vinegar.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 15:20, Reply)

an aunt of mine once bought me
a jar of chocolate body paint for xmas!

and this was when i still lived with my parents...

WTFLOLZ!!!
( bigshape like a glove!, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 15:17, 1 reply)

There was a lad at school....
....let's call him, oooh, Tom. We'll call him that because the rest of the world does. Before we get to him though, have some back story...

We were in sixth form at the time and as Comic Relief was on its way round we thought we'd do something, this was on a 10% raise money 90% get out of some lessons basis of course.

In the end, we opted to build some sort of gunging device, the kind of thing that Noel Edmond's would be proud of. We fashioned a sort of tank structure with a seat in it upon which the victim would sit for their gunging.

The format was simple, we'd have buckets of different things and we'd have votes on a selection of people who were 'up for it', people would donate money to see said people gunged, we'd raise some money. Simples.

The nominees were, predictably a couple of teachers, a couple of students and amazingly (because she agreed to it) Claire, one of the fittest girls in sixth form.

Donations were made, gungings were had, and even Claire took it well, being deluged with a bucket of Tescos finest value beans. If I'm honest, it was a bit of a turn on, seeing her slathered with a savory dish, which I thought was weird, but anyway.

In total we raised a good few quid and had a laugh doing it.

The end.

Oh, no, wait. Tom. A few months later we were at a friends 'gathering' having a laugh, as you do, when Tom saunters over. We, in fact no one liked Tom, he was just a bit too weird for our liking. Still, we were tiddly so we humored him and let him in on our conversation which was based around our charity efforts. Then of course we talked about the individual gungees, leading us to Claire. It was at this point that Tom uttered the words which to this day still steal some of the enjoyment out of eating beans, along with shattering my peculiar turn on created by seeing Claire smothered in them....

"I had a wank it them beans."

Shudder.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 15:16, 1 reply)

I once fucked an apple.
It was a little tart.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 15:13, 1 reply)

Bananas get slimey very quickly...
Chocolate body paint tastes fine at the start but soon gets sickly. Jam is too sticky. Ice cream can be quite entertaining.

Oh yeah - whilst it isn't a foodstuff I have at times ended up tasting babyoil - which tastes disgusting. Anyone that can create a version that tastes ok will make a lot of money.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 15:12, 2 replies)

Some advice from Russell Howard:
Using food as a prop during sex = good.
Smothering yourself in Rolo yoghurt = bad. You'll look like some kind of yoghurt goblin.

Wise words, I feel.

(Short version because I'm work work, can't remember the whole thing and wanted to get it in before someone else did. Vid link when I get home if I can find it :D)

Edit: dammit, can't find the damn clip on YouTube.
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 15:04, 6 replies)

Recreating famous sex scenes from the movies
If you attempt the infamous scene from 'Last Tango in Paris', make sure to go for Country Life Butter...

You'll never put a better bit of butter in your Wife.

/shows age
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:58, 3 replies)

Chocolate sauce.
Some years ago I was going out with what can only be described as a nympho, the incident I'm going to tell you about took place in my room at my parents house while they were out.
We were getting it on when she produced some chocolate sauce for us to try, i'll spare you the main details suffice to say it got quite messy. We finished up and figured we'd take a shower together to get cleaned up so off we popped to the bathroom where we were met by my very shocked mother doing her hair in the mirror... What she must've thought when confronted by two very naked people with sauce mostly around the genital areas and all around our mouths I'll never know. Dam that new block paving on the drive or we'd have heard them arrive.
Never been mentioned since either!
(Kip, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:54, 1 reply)