Bread
In my younger more sexually exploratory years i often found myself looking for things to help me masturbate.

And this is how i gained the nickname Hovis.

In a Cider fueled conversation i let it be known to my school mates that i had once tried fucking a loaf of unsliced bread.
I even used mayonnaise for lubricant, It was awful, crumbs under the foreskin etc.
I still reached a climax though, rude not to really.

I then cut the good end of the loaf off and put it back in the bread bin
Dont tell this to school friends, it wont remain secret.

Length? Half a loaf used.
(Margatemug, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 19:57, 2 replies)

You should have used butter as the lubricant
Last Tango in Paris, remember?
( Sallyrsm, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 20:46, closed)

We have a song about this...
(to the tune of 'Bring me joy in my heart')

Bring me joy in my heart, bring me Hovis
Bring me joy in my heart, I pray
Bring me joy in my heart, bring me Hovis
Bring me Hovis and some mayonaisse

Helman's Mayo
Helman's Mayo
Helman's Mayo and a loaf of bread

etc.

Try singing it with real gusto. Across a cricket pitch. At the batsman.

He knows who he is.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 7 Aug 2009, 10:37, closed)