Almost food sex..
I met a gorgeous girl on a night out and my luck was in; at closing time she invited me back to her flat. Much kissing and groping occured in the taxi on the way home and we literally fell through the front door, such was our desire to make the beast with two backs. Pushing me onto the sofa, she told me to wait whilst she went and powdered her nose.

Now, I'd been dancing a fair bit and I was a bit clammy around the crimson-topped truncheon to say the least - my balls were starting to stick to the inside of my thighs. I darted into the kitchen and gave myself a quick rinse at the kitchen sink with a dishcloth. 'Better than sweat' I thought.

I made in back to the sofa before she returned and got comfortable, trying to look composed. Said lady returned and passionately kissed me before dropping to her knees, head between my legs. She unzipped my jeans and slipped them off like a pro, my erect member pointed skywards and throbbed with anticipation. I watched as her head moved closer and closer, her lips started to part and she licked her lips in anticipation, keeping eye contact with me.

This was almost too much for me, I was gagging for her to take me in her mouth. I closed my eyes as I felt her warm breathe on my shaft and braced myself.

"Ewwww. Why is there a baked bean in your pubes?", she exclaimed.

That kind of ruined it for me.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 16:39, 7 replies)

OH MY GOD....
SUPERB.
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 16:52, closed)

Was it you
that submitted this exact same story to FHM about 6 years ago?
(Uncle Jumbo will strip for pocket change (and/or Gin), Fri 7 Aug 2009, 16:57, closed)

Why Yes!
Although they made it cleaner. I still have the issue as well
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 16:59, closed)

I thought I recognised it!
I prefer this version, though. Censorship sucks.
(almightyjoey is most likely listening to Electric Wizard on, Sat 8 Aug 2009, 19:33, closed)

click
bwahahahaha!
( The Helpful Bear, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 20:11, closed)

KERLICKETY...
...KLICKERTY KLICK...

Excellent sir!
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Fri 7 Aug 2009, 22:09, closed)

No no, she said 'I feel sick', and you said 'that's what the last girl said yesterday'.
(Benzyl, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 4:35, closed)