No weddings and a funeral
I didn't want to be there, I hate funerals with a passion as they are truly tedious affairs where there is a lot of droning on and on by the priest and various people doing readings.

I don't do well in situations where I have to sit in one spot for an extended period of time just listening to someone spout out stuff I care little about. My boredom threshold had already been reached within minutes of the service starting and I was doing everything I could to stifle a huge yawn and keep my eyes open. I had to do something so reached into the inside pocket of the jacket I was wearing and pulled out my mobile phone, a game or two of snake would help me out here. I should mention this event happened when smartphones were still just a twinkle in Jobsworth's eye so I was using a Nokia phone.

Just before firing up a game I noticed the tiny envelope icon flashing away telling me I had a text message waiting, it had been sent after I had entered the church so I decided to read it to help waste a little more time.

This was a mistake.

Turned out it was a joke sent by a friend, I knew it was by the time I had finished reading the first line but my brain was so numb with boredom that I couldn't stop myself from continuing. I flicked down a couple of pages and got to the punch line and to this day I swear I tried to hold in the laugh. I really did.

It came out as a loud splutter of someone trying to contain their mirth, a raspberry of laughter you could say. I hunched over and covered my mouth with one hand to stop any further noise but the damage was done.

I managed to get myself under control in short order and when I looked up I could sense the atmosphere in the church had changed. I was later told that my sudden onset of laughter happened just as a reading had finished and the church was silent while the next reader was heading to the plinth.

It was deathly quiet and it seemed every pair of eyes in the church was looking in my direction. I knew my time there was done but it seemed I hadn't quite finished making a fool of myself yet. This church was very large, one that could easily seat around 300 people and I was sat just several rows from the front by the centre aisle. This meant I had about a twenty meter walk before I got to the doors at the back. I stood up and with phone in hand I raised it and said "text message" like that would explain everything.

I then headed down the aisle in that hurrying yet trying not to look like I'm hurrying walk, the looks on peoples faces as I went past each row varied from shock, pity, disappointment and anger.

I didn't stick around upon exiting the building.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Fri 17 Aug 2012, 15:29, 18 replies)

So your story is 'I'm a disrespectful cunt'?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 17 Aug 2012, 15:31, closed)

It's what his mother would have wanted.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 17 Aug 2012, 15:38, closed)

It seems like it
Reminds me of the poster who wrote a thousand word sulk because she wanted to wear jeans to a Christening.
( MatJ LOOK, Sat 18 Aug 2012, 1:32, closed)

That was a bloke.
A screaming bumlord, but still a bloke.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 18 Aug 2012, 9:51, closed)

In fairness, the OP has shown a bit more humility than that prick.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 18 Aug 2012, 16:37, closed)

I'm not sure, but I think
funerals are more about the person in the box than any particular member of the audience.

It might be worth asking though. Next time ask if they can stick a TV in the church, showing a football match or something.
(username failed moderation, Fri 17 Aug 2012, 16:05, closed)

Hardly worth the effort these days with smartphones being able to stream that sort of thing.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Fri 17 Aug 2012, 16:10, closed)

You massive autism.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 17 Aug 2012, 16:18, closed)

What's up your arse?
Get fucked by a priest at a funeral as a child or something? Sheesh...
(The Luggage is haunted..., Fri 17 Aug 2012, 18:38, closed)

Hi Jim!

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 18 Aug 2012, 16:12, closed)

Who?

(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 20 Aug 2012, 17:20, closed)

What was the joke?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 17 Aug 2012, 17:40, closed)

"I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead."
LOLOLOL
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 17 Aug 2012, 20:25, closed)

Yea, what was the joke?

(yourmumonastickwithmintsauce, Sat 18 Aug 2012, 5:58, closed)

Inquiring minds need to know.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 18 Aug 2012, 6:44, closed)

Was there meant to be a joke?

Erm, Ok.

A guy walks into a bar and says "Ouch".
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:06, closed)

Well, look, parasitius,
it's just that, you know, a funeral is a pretty sort of, full on affair for people, loved ones and that, grieving. The lack of respect you show for other people makes me think that, possibly, and I'm no expert I'll grant you, but your behaviour in this situation marks you out as, to be perfectly frank, a wanker.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Sat 18 Aug 2012, 9:14, closed)

Cheers
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 18 Aug 2012, 16:51, closed)