Class A
I found a bag of heroin and LSD in a hedge near Heathrow airport. I've never taken drugs in my life, but this seemed like an opportunity not to be missed, so that very afternoon I got so off my tits that I lost three weeks of my life.

When I finally got straight, I woke up in bed with a busty glamour model called Nikki lapping hungrily at my tadger. There was a tattoo of the Eiffel Tower on my right shoulder, and somewhere along the line I'd managed to move into an attic in Shoreditch.

Evidently I'd recorded a rap record that made Vanilla Ice look like Ice T and in the process had become quite wealthy. There were two more naked glamour models in the bathroom and a coke-smeared platinum disk on a coffee table. I had Kelly Brook's phone number on my mobile and a filthy message on the answerphone detailing what she wanted me to do to her ass.

Fortunatley, I saw sense and cleared out back to my reliable job at the Leeds Council Tax Enquiries callcentre, where my ginger librarian girlfriend welcomed me back with open arms. However, I'll never live down the shame of that record I made. Sing along to the chorus now:

Don't be dissin' meh,
Yo'll be missin' meh
I gots a nine packed wit dum-dums
And me grandma likes dem wine gums
(frankspencer, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 11:42, 5 replies)

Welcome back Frank

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 11 Nov 2008, 12:27, closed)

Very sensible of you to go back to your regular job and girlfriend.
All of the records, drugs, wild sex, money and models does get a bit old after a while.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 11 Nov 2008, 14:22, closed)

So does
The girlfriend.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 17:14, closed)

That is when you
recycle.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 11 Nov 2008, 19:37, closed)

\o/
FRANK SPENCER IS BACK !
I feel sane again.
(The_artist_formally_known_as_alz0r, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 20:08, closed)