secrets and lies
i had a friend at university. more than one, believe it or not, but this story concerns one friend in particular. lovely dennis.

dennis was a mother's dream. tall, good looking, very well spoken, got a first, played football on the first team, and was an outstanding musician with a band that was starting to go places on the london circuit. however, towards the end of our final year, he got involved with mrs dennis. she was not so much fun and she did not like him doing anything without her. so gradually he began to change and we heard less and less from him. eventually we gave up altogether.

fast forward two years after graduation and they were married with a baby and a bun in the oven. i hadn't heard from dennis in all this time, so was thrilled to get an out of the blue email from him inviting me over to sunday lunch in east london. he said the invite had a purpose, but he'd "have to kill me" if he revealed what it was. he and mrs dennis would be driving in from berkhamsted, he added. hmmmm. odd. i had forgotten they had moved out of wapping. why were we going for lunch in east london when i lived in west london and he lived way around the m25?

anyway, the day came, and, as instructed, i got dressed in a suit and all made up. hmmmm. odd. why a suit?

the dennises arrived too late for lunch, but it was ok, they'd eaten on the way there, apparently. well, i hadn't, and i spent the drive to east london hungrily eyeing up the baby. then we arrived at this hotel way out in the docklands. hmmmm. odd. why so isolated?

the crowd of people was enormous. there were hundreds of them. now, dennis is blond and about 6'5. he stands out in most crowds. but he really really stood out in this one. as did mrs dennis and i - because we were the only three people there (plus baby) who weren't (i) in their 40s or older; (ii) very very stout; (iii) wearing glitter; and (iv) black. we stuck out like pork pies in a synagogue. except that a lot of them were all loudly praising jesus, which i guess doesn't happen so much in a synagogue. hmmmmm. odd. why had dennis brought me to what appeared to be a deep south black baptist revival ceremony?

mrs dennis and the baby headed into the bar with a book and vanished. how i envied them. instead, i followed dennis into this top secret cult-ish presentation. it was immediately obvious to me that it was a scam. i kept thinking of that line in the simpsons where they say, "now this isn't one of those illegal pyramid schemes, no sirreebob. this is a trapezium scheme." the propaganda was literally unbelievable. we were made to stand and sing and clap, then we were bombarded with loud music and images of speed boats, luxury houses, cars, yachts, paradise islands, private jets, all pounding on wide screen televisions with funky music, and every now and again the gorgeous black american girls at the front would stand up, wiggle their bums and yell, "do you wanna fulfil your potential? yes, do you want to live up to what de lord gave you?"

in and amongst this outrageous stuff was the details on how to do it. how you signed up, then got people to sign up under you. for every instruction there was about 20 mins of these glamorous pictures and testimonials. it was the most brainwashy thing i have ever seen, and every few minutes another person would leap up and scream that they would join, and then everyone else would have to stand up and cheer. stiff white people in suits with no rhythm do not do this well. not at all. especially when one is embarrassed as hell and, being a trainee lawyer, is pretty damn sure it's both a civil and a criminal offence. i really couldn't work out what dennis was thinking, dragging me to it.

anyway, after about 5 hours, we were allowed a break. i was thirsty, starving, baffled and exhausted. dennis asked me what i thought. at this stage, i'd have done anything to get the hell out of there and had almost convinced him i was ill enough to go home. then mrs dennis' mum arrived. she was 200lbs of evil, and she sat straight down next to me and asked me if i'd signed up yet. when i said no, she looked really affronted. then she said, unbelievably, "well, you must. dennis and mrsdennis are a young couple with two babies; they need all the help they can get." she had no more shame than to say this. then she showed me her own pyramid of sales people and said that she had made £20,000 so far. well yes. the people who get in on these scams first always do.

when we went back in, the real sales push began. you weren't allowed out of the room without speaking to an advisor. if it's about £200, i thought, fuck it. i'll just sign up and never come back. no way would i ever have brought one of my friends to these meetings. and i couldn't believe dennis had done it to me. but then, after a 2 hour wait, i got to see an advisor. it turned out they were taking TWO THOUSAND POUNDS off these people. my jaw quite literally hung open. i refused to sign anything, and eventually dennis took me out of there.

mrsdennis' mum was really angry with me. she said, "so we've all wasted the whole day, then." ffs. i did not ask to go! i thought we were having a catch up pub lunch. i sat in the back of the car, shaking with rage. the next day, i did some research, and sent dennis a long email about the criminal offence he had committed by taking me to that - it's an offence to sell something of which membership of the scheme is the only thing you are selling, to keep it brief. dennis replied and said thanks for the tip, but that it was working well for mrsdennis' mum so they'd stick with it if i didn't mind.

a month later it was shut down for being illegal and the directors stripped of their assets. god knows how many people were ripped off by it. dennis and i haven't spoken since. but it was a real experience for me, if a truly frightening one - i've never seen anything like that level of brainwashing before.

apologies for length, but it's what the lord done give me.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 19:03, 10 replies)

Ain't Ponzi schemes grand?
I had a boss at one of the manufacturing plants I used to work in take me to lunch, then do his best to sell me on something suspiciously similar to Amway. It took all of my tact and diplomacy to turn it down without getting The Black Mark, but I persuaded him that yes, this sounds like a wonderful thing, but I just can't afford the time as I'm also a full-time student. I then finished my lunch, we went back to the plant, and I ran like hell for my lab.

Apparently I was one of the very few students he didn't scoop into it.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 31 Jul 2008, 19:14, closed)

Fucking hell
I'd have slapped mrsdennismum. And mrsdennis, for pretty much ruining a nice young lad.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 20:21, closed)

That's a shitty trick ...
to pull on anybody, let alone somebody who's supposed to be a mate.
You did well to stay clear of it.
(Big D, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 21:27, closed)

That's awful
I would have been out of there like a shot.

Near where I live there was a pyramid scheme, "Women Empowering Women" it was called. "Women ripping each other off" would be more accurate.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 9:35, closed)

@ the colonel
somehow, i think the audience would have been full of middle aged men if they'd gone for your latter title!

still, though. the naivete of these people was frightening. if i'd been as legally qualified as i am now, i'd have had a few things to say to them, but as a trainee all i could do was suspect and frown.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 10:11, closed)

Just... wow.
That's a mix of the bizarre and the appalling in roughly equal measure. Help thyself to a click.
(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 17:38, closed)

.
My 'friend' took me too one of these, you had to pay £10 to speak to one of those adviser guys, and then the brainwashing began. I never payed the money I pretended I needed to go to the loo and made a run for it. It was one of the weirdest things I've ever seen, they say kids are naive i think I was the youngest one there and I was the only one who made a run for it. The ones I spoke to around their 40's were amazed by it! Peoples naivety never ceases to amaze me. I spent the rest of the evening in the pub with some actual friends trying to get my head around the madness.

I never spoke to him again and have since managed to save a fair few friends from the madness of it all.
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 1:21, closed)

@ Colonel Dracula
Yeah my stepmum got into that. The scheme was called "hearts" it was absolute bollocks, they basically preyed on women who were too stupid to do their maths right. She spent about two grand on a "heart", in the end she got one friend involved and that was worse than if she hadn't got any, because when the whole thing went down the pan she was left having ripped off her friend and still out of pocket.

My dad of course had tried to dissuade her, but it was her own money and it was "women supporting women". She said he just didn't understand that women could make it by themselves and that he was prejudiced. He let her get on with it after that.
(Hippo_of_Doom, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 2:26, closed)

in retrospect
why didnt you punch your way out?
(Mong goose, Sun 3 Aug 2008, 23:22, closed)

seems to me
like dennis married a manipulative cunt with a money-grabbing bitch of a mother. this is whi i stay single.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 5 Aug 2008, 1:30, closed)