lolwhites shoe post made me realise my age is becoming apparent in my shopping habits...


when i was a young blade i wore expensive shirts and was very keen to be stylish, a fop you might say.

now i dont give a flying fuck. shoes - basically i wear boots, generally timberlands – they’re made well and last, i have over the years bought other types of shoes but generally they lie in a wardrobe gathering dust - so i go through two or three pairs of timberlands a year. I LOATHE shopping for clothes, everything about it just annoys me - back in the uk the shops were always too bloody hot - here (dubai) there too bloody cold. Shop assistants:

IFIWANTYOURFUCKINGHELPIWILLASK. FUCK. OFF.

YES OF COURSE I KNOW MY FUCKING SIZE YOU FEY ORANGE MONG

NO IM SORRY - THE LURID VOMIT PATTERNED 'SHIRT' YOU ARE TRYING TO FOB OFF ON SOME MYOPIC BUFFOON WOULD NOT FUCKING "SUIT MY COLOURING" I DONT HAVE FUCKING "COLOURING" I AM A BLOODY BLOKE.

*breathes*

I have developed a system to combat this. I call it Speed Shopping™. I shop twice a year. I select ONE shop - invariably GAP, yes i know they boil children for fun but you can’t have everything in life. I take maybe 8 or so pairs of jeans, maybe some combats or whatever, a dozen or more t shirts, a few shirts and charge into the disabled changing room - I have no disability but i appreciate slightly more space than a bloody battery hen – (naturally i would not do this if a genuine spakkamong required the room - i do have some sensitivity)

God help the fey orange mong that waves some ‘5 items only’ thing at me.

Within 20 mins i will march to the counter with approximately one third of the items from my original selection.

Shopping. Done.

I recently introduced my missus to an adaptation of this (tailored to her girly needs naturally). Basically I took her to a large department store wandered round with her helping her select items until she had a fairly large pile then fired her into the changing room. i then spent the next 40 mins or so ferrying back and forth various sizes, colours, alternatives, belts to match etc. If she found an item she liked but started to dither over which colour to choose both are put to one side 'til later' *taps nose*

Soon Mrs Spimf had an array of 10 or so outfits that she ‘definitely liked’ just as she was about to go into extreme dither mode of ‘narrowing the selection down’ – the coup de grace…

Sweep the whole bastard lot up, march over to the till and buy the bloody lot.

Mrs Spimf marvels at my helpfulness generosity and ‘patience’ - no more being dragged round shops for a MINIMUM of 6 months.

I WIN!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 5 May 2009, 10:59, 17 replies)

yes.

but.

what about your mum and dad?
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Tue 5 May 2009, 11:03, closed)

well, my mum chooses my dads clothes cos he hates shopping
basically - i choose (or accelerate the process) for both our clothes shopping because i hate it
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 5 May 2009, 11:05, closed)

Why didn't you just say that then? That way your fingerprints wouldnt be worn off.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Tue 5 May 2009, 11:08, closed)

are you threatening my digits with some sort of acid attack?
*narrows eyes*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 5 May 2009, 11:12, closed)

Internet shopping is the answer.
I go to the city centre about 3 times a year to go shopping and the rest I do on-line.
( girlinthehole, Tue 5 May 2009, 11:16, closed)

I've just bought an Earl Jeans denim jacket
online at closeout.com (I think it's called) for half the price - if you can even get them here anymore as Earl Jeans packed up a while ago...shame as their stuff is/was excellent.

I love shopping online.

And I've turned into my mother by telling you far too many unnecessary details that are just dull.

I've bought a nice jacket online, it was cheaper than the shops.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 5 May 2009, 11:23, closed)

i have tried internet shopping for groceries
but i hated that - i LOVE food shopping i can wander round a good supermarket for a good hour or more easily. i like to cook so i guess its part of that pleasure.

dont know if i could be arsed if clothes turned up from teh web and they were unsuitable. no patience for that.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 5 May 2009, 11:24, closed)

me too
i always like checking out supermarkets when i'm abroad as well.
The gentle fascination of seeing what they that's different from here is always a pleasure.

I always think that Lidl and Aldi are a bit like shopping abroad, and that's no bad thing
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 5 May 2009, 13:24, closed)

'Lidl and Aldi'
sorry i did say it was food i wanted to buy – not dubious diving gear, death trap toasters or bizarre items of aryan charcuterie

having said that there is some element of 'secret santa' involved in buying food items where the serving suggestion looks like it was prepared by damian hirst and the cooking instructions are in Serbo-Croat
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 6 May 2009, 6:02, closed)

*clicks reply*

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 6 May 2009, 10:27, closed)

naturally i would not do this if a genuine spakkamong required the room - i do have some sensitivity
"click"


just for the irony.
(wobbler, Tue 5 May 2009, 13:47, closed)

With you on the shoes.
I have two pairs. One smart pair which get worn a few times a year and one pair of trainers. I have to replace those today because I've worn through the bottom.
( MatJ LOOK, Tue 5 May 2009, 13:54, closed)

Timberlands???
Surely if you go through 2 or 3 pairs a year, they can't be THAT well made?

I think I get my pedantic nature from my father.
(nonstopdancer, Tue 5 May 2009, 15:20, closed)

they are well made...
but there comes a point where i can no longer wear them to work

i work in the creative industry (yes oxymoron) i get away with never having to wear a suit or a tie with clients (Ive never really understood why i can wear what the fuck i like and the suits wear, erm suits) so its jeans and t shirts - shirt at best, with my 'nice shoes' if its a really big presentation

suits me sir
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 5 May 2009, 17:55, closed)

Indeed
DMs here - current pair's been going three years so far, the next pair are in the box behind me. No-one's ever said they look scruffy - they're under a desk most of the time anyway. I do work in IT though - no-one expects us to do 'smart'.
(Photon wasting your time since, Wed 6 May 2009, 1:37, closed)

well made
cheap shite trainers from the market...£2.50 a pop.....last me for years and years and years and yae....helps to be in a wheelchair. Castor bearings now, well I could tell you some stories and as for punctures wooohooh!
(godisdove I like cheese, Wed 6 May 2009, 16:40, closed)

*makes noises of hearty approval*
In addition to the wholesomely practical sentiment behind it, this story deserves a click for including the phrase 'fey orange mong'.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 5 May 2009, 15:54, closed)