I'm morphing into a hideous hybrid of both parents,
incorporating the worst features of each.
From him:
Piss poor pessimistic attitude, haemorrhoids, chronic depression and a beer belly.

From her:
Physically I'm more like my mother with each passing week. From top to toe, let's start with thinning grey hair. That's not so bad with the right haircut and dye. Next come the wrinkly eyebags, jowls and wattle. YSL Touche Eclat helps with the dark circles, otherwise gravity is winning.

Then we have the wobbly dinner lady arms (I hate having to wave at anyone, because when doing so the velocity/weight ratio feels like the flab will continue to spin around 10 minutes after waving is finished).

As we progress downwards we arrive at the wide-angle, flabby, dimpled arse. Which emits the fowlest killer farts this side of the Mason-Dixon line (just ask The Grammar Badger, bless her heart). Not only do these farts have teeth, they also escape in the manner of a machine gun, especially when descending stairs.

Arthritis in both hips makes me waddle like a disabled hippo.

Further down, there are the thunder thighs. Orange peel cellulite? Oh no, my mother has given me special needs enlarged golf ball skin here. Not to mention the varicose veins (in summer I have to co-ordinate skirt colour with said veins - pretty purples, blues and dark pinks).

But by far the worst of all, I found myself making that peculiar tutting/exclamation sound she makes with her plastic teeth recently. And my teeth are still real.

Great galloping gonads, I'm going downhill fast.

EDIT/
The whole point of this post was to er....... what was it again?
Ummmmmmmmmmm...... bugger, I forgot.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 6 May 2009, 18:04, 16 replies)

I hadn't noticed...
Apart from the farting, that is. I'd need to have some sensory deprivation not to notice that.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 6 May 2009, 18:33, closed)

Aaaaawwwww!
That is the *correct* answer.

Well done!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 6 May 2009, 19:07, closed)

Bless him,
he's still infartuated ;o)
Been married 4 weeks today...
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 6 May 2009, 19:39, closed)

That sounds oddly familiar
Don't you think, darling?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 7 May 2009, 12:43, closed)

i wouldnt worry pet
most decent men are bowled over by a cheeky smile a wicked glint in the eye and cracking tits

WIN!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 6 May 2009, 19:08, closed)

thanks bonny lad :o)
At least I have modest norks, wheras my mother has none.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 6 May 2009, 19:26, closed)

You sound like a hobbit !

but to be a bit more helpful with your plight I have recently turned to aloe vera juice in the morning and evening and drinking peppermint tea instead of coffee all day long. I'm a 35 year old male but until someone tells you these things you can suffer needlessly... Seriously missus we all need a bit of preventative maintenance as we age , aloe vera juice twice a day and peppermint tea anytime and especially after meals and your farts will be far less frequent and threatening to the general public and on those rare occasions when they do surface will exit your rectum with a gentle 'poof' and smell like chanel no5.

just doing me bit..

j
(The Cats Twat, Wed 6 May 2009, 19:48, closed)

thanks for the tips
I have peppermint tea kicking around somewhere (it's supposed to be good for IBS) and shall definitely look for some aloe vera juice. But Chanel No 5? I'll settle for Impulse ;o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 6 May 2009, 22:58, closed)

They do say love is blind but unfortunately love doesn't make you lose your sense of smell.
I have peppermint tablets for those occasions when a fart doesn't say take me now.
( girlinthehole, Wed 6 May 2009, 20:45, closed)

aha!
That reminds me, I have a homeopathic remedy for excessive flatulence in my knicker drawer. Aptly, it was recommended by my mother...
Yes, poor DG.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 6 May 2009, 23:01, closed)

Ahhhh .... young love!
Quite frankly, there is nowt so sweet as love that ages gracefully.

The sight of a pair of grey hairs strolling hand-in-hand down the beach gives me such hope for the future.

So what if you've both got bits that wobble better than a wave machine in a local pool!

Don't be old and alone, kids. My mother's a living testament to those woes.

/hugs to the newlyweds.

May your lum keep blythly reeking til yer auld enought to dee.
May you always be as happy as I wish you now to be.

What the hell is lum and why does it reek blythly?
(Que?, Thu 7 May 2009, 2:27, closed)

lum
is Scots (at least) for chimney.

As for why it reeks blythly, you'll have to ask it yourself
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Thu 7 May 2009, 10:15, closed)

You my dear, are a perfect example of 'Lully ladyness'...

and I've seen you up close.

(But not quite as close as Captain Placid's windscreen)

*clicks*

;)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 7 May 2009, 10:51, closed)