more titty, vicar?
A friend of mine *coughAndycough* once got a very angry phone call from his mum about SATAN and WHORES and HELLFIRE. A bleak conversation ensued, revealing that mummy had googled his full name, and found his girlfriend's page.

Her suicidegirls.com page, where she had listed him as an "interest". Oops.

His mum is a fucking vicar, and was not impressed by either the boobs or the arse or the satanic imagery, although she didn't think of it as "imagery". She believed every inverted cross, pentagram and black candle of it.

It took the poor bastard weeks to convince her otherwise...
( wangmaster2000, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 17:56, Reply)

willem dafoe's cheesy napsack
That's funny.
My boyfriend hides his porn deep in his musicspec's folder with extensions from musicsoftware.
I just have to search for 'cumlesbianteenbukakesuckingkabouterinthearse".

But I'll pass your tip on to him.
(muis, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 17:34, Reply)

Three man stonewall
I was at school, back when "The Net" fisrt came into the public consciousness, there was a Mac with an internet connection-- all 14.4kbs-tastic.

Some guy in the year below us was a bit of a smug git... and he had a website with a guestbook. We put some entries in there (We know where you live, and You're a dick, etc.) He changed his site to read "To all of you at [school] I've removed the site because of your stupid comments".

Actually, what he'd done is make /index.html read that, and put his page in /home.html

It took us a while to figure that out (we weren't l33t haxx0rz then (or now!)) meanwhile, he'd written about his nightlife as a 16 year old boy in the gay clubs of Glasgow. (We should have known... he was kicked out of a group tent at cadets for wanking furiously all night earlier that year). My mate printed out 10 copies of it and pinned them to as many noticeboards as he could.

I did feel a bit guilty about it for a while... but he was out, and happier with himself. It didn't help that there was an ad campaign for Faggots at the time-- ones with Pandas advertising them.
( drunkenoaf, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 17:16, Reply)

On the subject of gf-proof pr0n storage...
...Try zipping everything up into one file, re-naming the ".zip" extension to something else (I choose ".abr" a Photoshop brush file) then hide it deep in your program files, in the unlikely event that it gets read, it'll just appear corrupted.

My gift to yous all, enjoy.
(willem_dafoe's_cheesy_napsack, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 16:58, Reply)

Grandmasterfluffles
aaaaah. I knew there was a reason for them being such a bizarre size...

latex or metal?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 16:57, Reply)

I was asked to post this
After being busted up because another friend spotted a reference to our workmate in a previous post (the one about the person who click "Maximise" when the boss walked in), I have been asked to post this.

One Saturday, this friend (the one who had a word with me) and I were working on our own. Almost no students, and and no staff around, so almost nothing to do.

I came into the office, and saw my mate on my PC. He was using PcAnywhere (for those who don't know, it enables desktop sharing) to check something on his machine.

All of a sudden, he had to leave and go back to his own office (I forget why), so I sat at my PC.

I noticed PcAnywhere was logged on to his machine. I had some work to do, so didn't think much of it. All of a sudden, a web page from a site called thedykefactory.com appeared, full of naked American lesbians with fake breasts.

I sat there watching for a while, then moved the mouse. Then, I typed "You do know you are being watched?".

He typed "Shit", and closed the connection.
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 16:47, Reply)

Porn Director.
I work in a small company (only 6 employees) and have donned the computer tech hat as I am the only one in the office with a fleeting knowlage of networking etc.

After a short time I noticed that every time I walked into one of the directors office he swiftly clicking off whatever he was looking at on the web. Eventually my curiosity got the best of me and when I knew he was out I sneaked in to have a look at his internet history, which unsurprisingly was chock full of pics of lady bits.

Anyway, I kept my silence for a while until I got friendly with one of the other directors and told him that I thought director 1 was looking at porn in company time.

What ensued was an evening of me and director 2 looking at director 1's cashe of porn while weeping tears of laughter.

As it turns out director 1 has a penchant for stockings, teens, oh and teens wearing stockings. NICE!!!
(BigDazzaT, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 16:46, Reply)

Had a close call recently
I share a network with my three flatmates. I had been using a certain p2p network to download some 'art' movies. My flatmate came through after adding some tunes to his iPod to tell me about a wonderful feature he found on iTunes - he can see what I've been downloading with aforementioned p2p program. *gasp* Turns out, he just wanted to know why I'd been downloading Girls Aloud's latest album. Thank heavens it only shows music files.

The album was for my sister, of course.

Yes, I'm a pirate. Arr.
(CosmopolitanSteve, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 16:43, Reply)

Hmmmmmm
Yeah, and he didn't even apologise!
(Teddy Bear, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 16:01, Reply)

Hmmmm
Your nick's Lannes, and you say you came across "Teddy Bear" by mistake? Aye right :P

( Lord Keeps meaning to procrastinate., Mon 13 Feb 2006, 15:59, Reply)

Hmmm
Your nick's Teddy Bear, and you say you came across "The Hun" by mistake? Aye right :P
(Lannes, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 15:56, Reply)

Radmin
Back in IT support we used to use a program called Radmin (Remote Administrator) to connect to our clients' PCs. For laughs we would use it to search for any unsecured PCs on the internet, and quite often we would catch someone having a quick hand shandy, switching between galleries etc. We would wait until they settled on an image (obviously in the vinegar strokes) and then close down all their browser windows.

The smell of abject fear across a web connection is still potent.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 14:39, Reply)

speaking of top heavy amateurs (as mentioned below)
That site is a total con. It claims to be "huge breasts right off the street", but every single one was still attached to a woman :(
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 14:14, Reply)

this one time...
I downloaded some porn at school, and then the admins locked me out. And I was all like "l3t m3 in you st00p1d g33ks", and they were all like "I cant l3t y0u d00 that, d@ve". I think this was about five years ago.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 14:12, Reply)

There is only one way to avoid being found out
And that's to have a second hard drive that is only used for pron and things you don't want people to see, take it out the PC and hide it or leave it in the PC unplugged if your sure people won't know how to connect it.

I work in IT and fix lots of peoples PC's - it's amazing what you find and how people don't have a clue that their tracks are recorded.
Don't bother with emptying your internet files or hiding folders - I use undelete programs on peoples PC's that I don't like - it exposes all the files they have deleted, my it's fun and sometimes quite disturbing to see.

Packet sniffing on networks is fun too, yahoo and msn message converstions are oh so easy to listen in to.

Watch out for keylogging software too, v hard to detect.
(ryushi, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 13:55, Reply)

Nothing to add again - bugger...
...though understandable in this case seeing as I make a point of turning autocomplete off on any PC that I use, and my home system is set to blitz my caches and histories in the wee hours of every morning using the gift of decent cachecleaner software.*

This is due more to general conspiracy-theorist paranoia than the desire to conceal dodgy surfage from friends and loved ones, but there you go. Looking at some folks' posts though, maybe my policies where this kind of thing is concerned would be a good move for some of you ;)

* Word of advice folks - if you want to keep your surfing/viewing habits a secret for any reason, invest in some decent cachecleaner tools at least - Microsoft's own stuff in IE settings is utter wank except for freeing up disk space - any self-respecting geek (me, for example) would be able to dig up your dirty secrets inside of half-an-hour, even if you had emptied moments before my arrival. Oh, and on surfing pr0n and other dodgy content at work - if you do it, you're an idiot - there's no grey area here - you're an idiot and you deserve to be fired just for being an idiot, the only exception being if your work is relevant in some way to the pr0n industry. I know this because I monitor the web server logs for my company and know how easy it is to catch you out with those alone. There was one girl once who had a thing for horses...
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 13:46, Reply)

The Bank Statement of Revelations, Ch 6
And so it came to pass that Plyck worked in an Internet Café
And he did aid those in need of assistance, for they were many.
One morning an aged couple came to him and said:
"Lo! Here is our bank statement, and we are sorely vexed
For there are payments hereupon which we do not recognise
And there is naught but a web address as a reference
Canst thou enlighten us?"
And Plyck entered the web address into the address box
And subscription-only porn did appear upon the monitor
And the couple sayeth:
"All is now made clear to us.
Our own beloved son useth the Internet and clearly hast borrowed our credit card without permission"
And lo, the son was 47 and still lived with his parents.
(Plyck, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 13:33, Reply)

Autocomplete horror
When I did my music degree, I did a dissertation on a French composer called Olivier Messiaen. This meant that my cruddy GCSE French skills needed improving but I could not afford private tuition. Step forward an amateur conductor I had done gigs for in the past whose day job was as a French and Spanish teacher, who offered to teach me for free. I thought this was a bit weird, but was in no position to turn down his offer. Every weekend I went round his house and he took me through the finer points of French grammar. All went swimmingly. He had even entered me to take an A level at the school at which he taught. One week, my computer had died a few days ago and so I asked if I could use his to check my email. As soon as I typed in "www", autocomplete helpfully filled in www.topheavyamateurs.com/

I'm a 30F. Did I also mention that he was 53 years old? And hideously ugly? And prone to heavy breathing?

I never did take that A level.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 13:30, Reply)

Never mind all the pr0n
My Googlebar's recent searches contained "Atomic Kitten album".

I've never had autocomplete turned on in a browser since.
( teedyay, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 13:22, Reply)

Not me, others (and not the totally lovely Mrs. God, either)
So there I am, at my Mom's house, where my brother is currently residing. He's got no computer... but her laptop connects to AOL (poor thing). Anyhow, the AOL software was installed on Mom's account, so it only works properly there. So if you need t'internet, you need to log on as Mom. No problem, my bro's in like... er, well, an in thing.

However, he's also unaware of IE's history. Luckily, so is Mom. However, me, as a paid IT monkey, I *do* know about this. Cue one rather surreal convo with brother, along the lines of "FFS, if you're going to look at pr0n on Mom's laptop, at least use the copy of Firefox I installed for you..."

The other time I caught someone, I was working. I was on site somewhere, about 9 at night. I was none too pleased as I'd just discovered work's policy on overtime*. So there I am watching Stinger scanning every file on the hard disks of all of their Citrix servers. When the word 'obsession' goes past. Normally I'd assume it was the perfume, but did I mention I was bored and p!ss3d off? I checked. The file was 'analobsession.jpg' or similar. I did some more searching. I found that someone whose name I forget had spent a couple of hours clocking pics of young ladies (phew!) taking it up the wrong 'un. And then emailed the choicest ones to the rest of his office. Naturally, I told the Finance Director about it. I believe there were some readings of the Riot Act about that one.

Of course, all of my pr0n is carefully stored on dual 9GB SCSI drives at my house. And I never look at it from Mrs. God's computer. (I just post to b3ta from there).

/edit - Why are you all looking at me like that? Oh, all right then, I had to clean up my spare laptop before lending it to a friend. I'd been... er... researching driveby downloads on pr0n sites with it. Yes, that's it. Research. Not fwappage. Er, these aren't the droids you're looking for?

* - Policy is: 'You caused that virus attack that started four hours before you arrived at the customer's site by plugging in your (regularly scanned and patched) work laptop into their network. You will work 24 hour days until it's fixed, for no overtime and no expenses. And then come back here for a further bollocking on the subject.' Oh.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 12:54, Reply)

Get that Sh*t off my computer you sicko
Reading emails on my Dads PC in the living room of my parents house (I didnt have my own at the time)while my dad watched TV behind me.

I opened an attachment thinking it was something uni related (he had renamed it appropriatly)

Cue a rather portly lady getting shagged by a dalmation with sound turned on full blast.......

his only response was "Get that Sh*it off my PC you sicko!" before returning to watch whatever was on the TV.
(barronshark, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 12:53, Reply)

Clitoris
Back in the gay when I was about 12-ish, I remember hearing a lot about this thing called a 'clitoris' and how hard it is to find, and how men are often such rubbish lovers because of it. So, being the thoughtful guy I am, I decided I'd get a headstart on it all, by learning allll about it before I'd even seen a woman's ladybits. Unfortunately, this was at a time when the only computer that could access the internet in our home was my dad's laptop. That didn't stop me from going on yahoo.com, searching 'Clitoris', and printing out several pages on how to pleasure a lady with your tongue. Well, when I say that I printed it, what I mean is that I pressed the print button. For whatever reason, nothing printed (the problem was probably something pretty basic , like the computer not being connected to a printer). A day or so later, my dad was fiddling about on his computer, and something started printing. Just as I entered the room.
"So Tim, would you like these pages on the clitoris then?" I stood there trembling like a leaf, my eyes wide like a rabbit caught in headlights. I left the room, saying nothing.

Fast forward to 7 years later - we now have a family computer where everyone has their own drive that no one else can access. My dad also has 2 computers of his own in the same room, which I think he uses for work. or something. I dunno, we never know what the hell he's doing. Either way, one day the internet stopped working; I did what I always did, which was to check if it was a problem with the family computer or with the router - I did this by checking if my dad's computer could access the internet. Cue me typing in 'www.' and seeing a list including 'Debbies Massages'. Being the curious young lad I am, I checked this site and found that it is in fact a prostitute site for our local area. Nice. (btw, can't remember the url; I'm at Uni now, so most pron-based sites are blocked. But I think it was www.debbiesmassage.com).
The way the computer screens are situated, I can see anything that my dad is looking at with a quick glance to my right, whilst he can't see what I'm looking at unless he gets up and stands behind me. A few days after finding the website on his computer, I actually caught him looking at it, while I was in the room. A few months later, he took a trip to Amsterdam by himself; I don't think he just went for the drugs.
(Mr Timmels, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 12:42, Reply)

Photo Slideshow
A while back I had a bunch of friends over at mine for drinks and decided that setting my PC screensaver to be a slideshow of everything in "My Pictures" would make for a good talking point.

About halfway through the evening one of my (pair of married) flatmates asks me what photos are included in said slideshow, and when I answered proudly "Oh, basically every photo taken with my digital camera" she FREAKED.

They had actually been clever enough to delete "their" photos after doing whatever the hell they were doing with them, but their nervousness gave away the fact they had been borrowing my camera for nefarious purposes.
( wangmaster2000, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 12:22, Reply)

For God's Sake Nobody Ring Me!
The trouble started when two amazing things happened at the same time. The first was that I finally split up with a boyfriend who I'd become bored with, after weeks of chickening out of ending it because I'm too nice. The second was that to get over my guilty feelings I bought myself a swanky new phone. I made the mistake of keeping the same number sadly so it wasn't long after that the texts started from the ex saying he wanted me back, he'd learn to change, blah, blah, blah. Unless he could spontaneously grow a personality and an IQ better than that of a McDonalds career employee then I wasn't interested.

One night I was out getting drunk with a mate when my phone started getting messages. Many, many messages. The ex had decided to try a new tactic and pretty soon my inbox was full of MMS's entitled 'Sure I can't change your mind?' and each featuring a picture (from what turned out to be quite a large sequence) of him stripping off and then, well lets just call it posing so I don't have to disgust you with the details. Me and the mate laughed at them all and then I stupidly decided that maybe I should save them. For posterity you understand. Okay, maybe the occasional wank, shut up. I tried for an hour to send them, via email, to my computer. Something I could have done in seconds on the old phone but I just couldn't figure it out on this one in my drunken state. Naturally I hadn't bothered reading the manual, I am a man. 'Fuck it' I thought and just saved the pictures onto my phone. I'd figure it out when I was sober. My mate grabbed the phone and 'just to remind me in case I got too drunk' changed my wallpaper to what can only be described as 'a gigantic close up of a bell-end' (not one of my favourites to be honest, but still funny).

It was an outstanding plan that could only go horribly wrong by someone being so much of a drunken monger that they left their phone in the pub at chucky-out time. Bugger. So I woke up the next day, realised my mistake and sat there blushing furiously, wondering if the barstaff would know it was me. I didn't dare go and ask for it back and was mentally writing off the money it cost me. I suddenly realised that if anyone rang me, the barstaff might answer it and one of my mates would unwittingly grass me up. So I rang every single person I could think of telling them not to ring, although obviously not why, the bastards would ring straight away then. My final call was to one of my girly mates who I trusted enough to explain what I'd done. She laughed for a while and then asked if I wanted her to go and get it. She said she wouldn't be embarrassed. On the contrary she'd be quite proud and would think it was hilarious.

This was why, later that day, with me standing sheepishly in the doorway, hiding out of sight in case they recognised me, the woman I now love above all others wandered up to the bar and in an excruciatingly loud voice said "HEY. DID I LEAVE MY PHONE HERE? IT'S THE ONE WITH THE BACKDROP OF A BELL-END!".

"Is this it?" Asked the bewildered barman. "We found it last night, dunno what the backdrop is, we haven't opened it. It rang a couple of times though."

Bugger AND bastards, I thought.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Mon 13 Feb 2006, 11:23, Reply)