My greed for beer was my downfall
I was in the pub with my then-girlfriend, who asked if I'd like to go and fuck her in the toilets.

"Yes," I replied. "Just let me finish my pint first."

She lost all interest after that. In hindsight, I made a mistake. I should have taken my pint with me and balanced it on her back.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:22, 27 replies)

I totally believe this happened
Soemthing something girls something sex something sweaty internet virgin

There, I've saved /talk the bother
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:29, closed)

I was far younger and more attractive in those days. And we *had* been drinking.

Nowadays if someone suggested that to me I'd think they were up to something, and slope off to get a packet of peanuts.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:51, closed)

Pork scratchings are the only appropriate pub toilet shag snack.
Or possibly scampi fries if you're a dirty bastard.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:53, closed)

what about...
those little packets of two cream crackers, a Dairylea cheese triangle and two pickled onions? Everything the body needs to sustain the sex in one stinky packet.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 15:07, closed)

Whoa. Dude.
You must be a sexual ATHLETE.

I can manage with three or four frazzles if I'm honest.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 15:39, closed)

"Bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here. This stuff will make you a god damned sexual Tyrannosaurus, just like me."
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:00, closed)

I reckon you're more Ace Ventura than Jesse Ventura.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:03, closed)

Sir, you do flatter me.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:38, closed)

Fancy a quick fuck in the bogs?
I've got quavers.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:43, closed)

Fuck that. The only time I get a hard on these days is when I want to win a 'who can piss the highest' competition.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:52, closed)

goo.gl/guDH3
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:52, closed)

RAWR

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:52, closed)

I iz toatally surrenders

   |\      _,,,---,,_
   /,`.-'`'    -.  ;-;;,_
  |,4-  ) )-,_..;\ (  `'-'
 '---''(_/--'  `-'\_)  

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:54, closed)

Aw
*tickles*
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 15:16, closed)

^^

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 15:29, closed)

i did a rawr in a sean connery voice.....
why?
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:16, closed)

You're gay for Bond.
Don't worry. It happens to the best of us.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:22, closed)

I had a beer once

(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:31, closed)

LIES

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:04, closed)

*sniff
it was a shandy....
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:14, closed)

Especially since "to fuck her in the toilet"
Meant "anal".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:35, closed)

I can't see how
it could mean anything else.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:36, closed)

yes..... yes you should have , and if you failed
to jizz to a satisfactory amount then beer head foam is a good substitute
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 21:35, closed)

Dude. If that's a good substitute then you really need to see a proctologist.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 21 Apr 2011, 8:33, closed)

i am a fully qualified self trained
proctologist and by trained i mean no experiance .
and by qualified i mean i have no idea of which way it goes in or out
can i have the job at your clinic now?

please
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 21 Apr 2011, 9:09, closed)

There are a few practical tests we need to do first.
Just let me pop this one-fingered glove on ...
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 21 Apr 2011, 9:54, closed)

She sounds
like a keeper.
(username failed moderation, Thu 21 Apr 2011, 8:45, closed)