My sisters' 40th
My sister recently celebrated her 40th birthday. All and sundry were invited, and the main living room of her house (no bigger than the Great Hall at Hampton Court, or maybe Wembley stadium) was converted into a function room. Lots of tables with white linen and flowers, hired in caterers and waitresses (did I mention my sister is loaded, the bitch?) and (and here my downfall starts) rather a large amount of wine.

This was the first problem, as I do like a drop or two of tasty, tasty fermented grape juice. The second problem is that I was seated next to my brother in law. We have a rather unfortunate relationship, i.e. we are far too similar. We both have an inappropriate sense of humour (might tell the "guffawing at uncle's funeral" story later) and have a disconcerting habit of trying to make the other laugh at bad times.

Now, the meal had been consumed and we were all sitting around repleat. My sister made a speech, my dad proposed a toast, and all that was to happen was for the cake to be brought in before the tables were cleared away for the evening's partaaying.

Here's where things went downhill.

My sister's daughter was 11 at the time and had just taken up the viola. Now, she had decided that as the cake came in she was going to play "Happy Birthday" on the viola from the minstrels' gallery type thing which overlooked the living room (in point of fact, it used to be a hayloft but now converted for this porpoise.) Anyhoo, as the cake came in, everyone gave rapt silence to my niece as she started playing.

Unfortunately, my niece did not know the difference between a major and a minor key, so this version of Happy Birthday was particularly bleak, as if to suggest that this would be the last birthday my sister, or indeed any of us present, would enjoy. By the third bar I made the fatal error of looking over at my brother in law to see an expression on his face that I imagine mirrored my own: a grim set jaw with a spastic twitch at the corners of his mouth as he was desperately trying to prevent spontaneous lolz-combustion. I was biting hard on the inside of my cheek imagining dead kittens and suchlike to prevent the laughter, suddenly becoming focused on the flower arrangement in the centre of the table.

So far, so good. I could lose my laughter in the applause that was soon to come.

Unfortunately...

Three things happened. First of all, my niece fluffs about the 5th to last note. Now, anyone who has experience with stringed instruments knows that they do not suffer errors gladly, and a high pitched *SCREECH* was the reward. Secondly, my brother in law turns to me, and the unmitigated cunt raises his left eyebrow in a Roger Moore-esque expression of humour. Thirdly, the music ends, and there is a split-second delay before the applause, during which time I am heard to all and sundry to make a noise like a freshly enema'd goose as the laughter explodes. This causes:

1: everyone around me to look at me like I had just raped a small kitten.

2: My niece to run off crying.

3: Me to dissolve into uncontrollable fits of laughter to the point that I feel my jaw is about to drop off.

I'm such a cunt.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Fri 23 Jul 2010, 11:35, 10 replies)

ahaha fuck.
I keep snorting my drinks up my nose reading this QOTW.

You are Brilliant. I love you. Please keep telling us these stories. They're fucking Ace with capitals.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 23 Jul 2010, 11:38, closed)

Love it.
The laughing hurts. Please stop!
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 11:40, closed)

"like I had just raped a small kitten"
Nice touch there (so much funnier than a doing a large kitten).

*click*
(Neil_E_There didn't the Aussies used to be good at cricket?, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 11:54, closed)

*clicks*
This is brilliant. I'm struggling to type because i'm still laughing so much...
(god_is_a_ghoti Carpe Deum., Fri 23 Jul 2010, 11:58, closed)

Brilliant...
And further proof of the giggle loop
( snee held his breath since, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 12:29, closed)

"a noise like a freshly enema'd goose"
WIN

*click*
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 13:12, closed)

o hmy
I laughed alot there...

Roger Moore-esque expression of humour

quality
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 13:18, closed)

a grim set jaw
with a spastic twitch at the corners of his mouth

I just snotted on myself.
(Brambly Slag is strangely attracted to Steve Buscemi, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 17:05, closed)

This with bells on...
..bells that are slightly out of tune
(skintagain, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 17:18, closed)

It was the left eyebrow
that made me nearly choke.
(Divaesque, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 0:35, closed)