I suppose it could be classed as guilty...
Because it ruined a couple's day.

On the whole, my family is not particularly religious. We were raised Baptist, but it only really took on with one of us, the rest of us just don't care. However, when my Sister's child was born, he was to be christened, as that's how it was in her Husband's family. With this in mind, I drag my extremely hungover self out of bed, and get into a shirt and tie. (Beer festival the day before, ugh!)

My housemate and I get to the service a little late, and the only place we can see a seat is halfway up. We sneak in, and take our seat, next to a middle aged couple. Glancing round, I can see my family spread around the church, but cannot spot my brother with his son (J)anywhere. After about 15 minutes, I spot him 3 rows back. We look at each other, and roll our eyes. Boring service. (I wasn't really expecting much else)

However, we know that as Mature Adults, we have to keep ourselves in check. This means that when we (as everyone else in this weeks Question) sing 'All Things Bright And Beautiful', any sniggering must be kept to a minimum. Still enough to earn daggers from the couple next to us, who actually swapped places, so the woman wasn't near us 'heathens'.

The amusement continues further, when a child a few rows in front of us, decides to turn round, and seeing us, decides to start sticking his tongue out at us. We, as Mature Adults, return with aplomb. He then pulls another face, I return a belm, just as the mother turns round, sees me, and utterly panics. She then grabs the lad, spins him round, and demands he face the front.

Now at this point, I'm close to hysteria, knowing that I can't really laugh loudly, as 90% of the church will know me as my Sister's brother. But, as Mature Adults, we must be sensible. I forgot this rule didn't apply to children...

As the Vicar calls for the children to be brought to him, my darling nephew J decides that this is boring, grabs his dummy, and WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACKWHACK. He's started his own drumkit on the wooden pews. Luckily, a song starts a few seconds later, where I'm able to get out a full belly laugh.

We eventually calmed down, just as the service ends. I then turn, wishing to apologise to the couple if I'd come off as rude, but I couldn't help myself. I opened my mouth, and just burst out laughing in their face, before running off.

Boring as hell service, but we did what we could to keep it entertaining!

Length? Hour and a half methinks
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 9:32, 75 replies)

To summarise
dull man is a prick at church service
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 10:14, closed)

I'm curious
At what point am I a 'prick'?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 11:37, closed)

From the very moment that you wake up in the morning it's dull prick time
If you have to be told why you've been a particular prick in your interminably dull tale there's just no hope for you.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 12:01, closed)

Well, I can see from your post count you are an active member of the boards, who has contributed a lot...
Hang on, you've not contributed a single story?

In that case, kindly fuck off, and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Bye bye now!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 12:14, closed)

Christ that's a dull comeback
even piston_broke shines next to you
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 12:26, closed)

He's better than you
You've said nothing interested yet, at least he's got a story.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 12:36, closed)

Yes,
he's told 240 dull stories about his prickage. Unless you wish to state that this dull tale is in any way entertaining; please justify your internet knighting. Additional points will be given for correct spelling and grammar.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 12:44, closed)

So...
You're a shit Amorous Badger impressionist, looking to be superior on QOTW?

Run along now, young man, we don't need your sort around this corner of the internet. Maybe try 4chan?
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 13:10, closed)

I see two possibilities here:

1) you've not read them all and yet feel justified in dismissing them - which makes you a mendacious cunt with fuck-all to offer here

2) you've sat and read through the lot just so you can be all superior about it, which makes you a creepy internet obsessive.

Either way, you come across as an utter toss-rag.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 17:28, closed)

I'm sorry, but who the fuck are you?
/formerly known as piston_broke.

You strike me as the type who revels in the use of a thesaurus to make yourself look more intelligent, which is then used as a weapon to make other people feel bad.

You must have crippling self-confidence issues.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 13:22, closed)

Either that
Or he's just a cunt
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 13:29, closed)

Or both.
I'm getting heartily fed up of people who just hide behind their keyboards, tapping away insulting people from the safety of the internet connection.

If it's funny and warranted, fine. If on the other hand it's shit, I see no need. Rory Lyon seems to fit into the latter of these two.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 13:33, closed)

This posts autism levels have clearly drawn you in Piston
I bet you're glad to discover that there's someone duller than you on this site
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 13:35, closed)

I doubt he's discovered it know
There have always been types like you here. Dull, dull types like you all the time.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 13:42, closed)

I've riled the QOTW clique it would seem, I'm really in for it now
none of you have defended the shit story though, you autistic pricks
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 13:47, closed)

Why bother?
The post doesn't need defending, neither does the OP. I'm just baffled as to your decision to troll these guys. I can only assume boredom as a motive. Even AB doesn't weigh in unless the story is truly shit or he's bored, but even he manages to carry it off with a certain wit and panache. You're just a pale imitation of the real thing.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 13:50, closed)

I hardly think that mocking a dull prick is the exclusive preserve of Badger
Once again Piston your very presence is ruining the internet
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 13:58, closed)

All a matter of opinion.
Right now, you're the one who needs to step away from the keyboard I think.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 14:02, closed)

Haha fuck off you prick
It's better when you don't post, see if you can avoid the claxon of autism next time, no poster needs your endorsement. That would be their FIRST MISTAKE
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 14:09, closed)

You're an arrogant sod, aren't you?
I can make a reasonable guess that I'm guessing you're pretty smart, but at the same time having trouble with self-esteem and self-confidence issues? I would wonder if this leads you to trot out the same hackneyed insults in an attempt to use your intellect as a weapon to make others feel worthless.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 14:56, closed)

Oh, just ignore him
He'll never listen, he'll never learn, he'll never post anything interesting. Why should you waste your time?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 15:48, closed)

Boredom.

( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 16:15, closed)

Oh, well, in that case
Enjoy yourself.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 16:23, closed)

Autism
Autism is a disorder of neural development characterized by impaired social interaction and communication, and by restricted and "repetitive behavior"

QED: Your use of the work Prick is bordering on "autistic". Get out more.
(skintagain, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 15:00, closed)

You
spelt behaviour wrong

/ocd
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 17:22, closed)

Your ocd is shit
Otherwise you would have noted that our faux psychiatrist has been unable to spell characterised nor indeed word
What an almighty prick
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 17:56, closed)

Either you're being obtuse
Or just mind-numbingly blockheaded. Christ, you're almost as bad as WW.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 19:15, closed)

I thought I'd told you to fuck off piston
your dullness is draining the life out of me :(
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 22:11, closed)

You remind me of a small irritating child
That's only managed to avoid being buggered by the local priest due to having a face resembling a bag of smashed crabs.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 22:41, closed)

You remind me of a shitcunt on a forum, who is universally despised and ridiculed
Even the cripples get to rip the piss out of you comedy boy
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 22:53, closed)

Oh, you're on Goodboard these days are you?
Gilgamesh must really be slipping.

As for the standup. Yes, it was shit. Yes, I was more scared than I've ever been since going on the Aliens thing at the old Trocadero at age 12.

But I still did it. Which is more than I can say for a lot of people.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 23:15, closed)

Haha Piston you really do become duller with time, Goodboard is shit which is why the majority are still on here
and the only reason why you aint been banned is because the wifebeater twisted Gilgamesh's arm to keep you there. They ain't got nothing but contempt for you on the so called goodboard, so well done you Piston, you're only there because of an old mans pity
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 23:24, closed)

Get banned did you?
Diddums.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 29 Jul 2010, 8:28, closed)

Please re-read the above post you prick

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 9:37, closed)

I did, and chose to ignore it.
I'm coming to the conclusion you're a sockpuppet account.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 29 Jul 2010, 11:12, closed)

judging by the tries-too-hard writing style, ineffectual rage, and the fact he actually said he'd be breaking out some backup accounts to troll QOTW - I suspect it's probably 'hot white cum YEAH!'.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 11:54, closed)

aliens trocadero
that scared me too! i got stuck behind the desk in the shuttle and couldn't go forward beacause of the alien. i froze...... my wife pissed herself.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 29 Jul 2010, 13:22, closed)

You really are incredibly tiresome. You prick (hahahaha what an original word to use. Lucky it hasn't been used around fifty times already by the same belming retard. Oh, wait.... Nevermind)
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 19:16, closed)

A prick is a prick
and you are an almighty prick.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 22:02, closed)

Haha! He IS a shit AmBadge impersonator!
From the paraphrase of 'so basically your story is..' to accusations of internet autisms.

B+ for effort Rory Lyon! Now say MASSIVE DRUGS! Hurrah! :D
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 22:07, closed)

Unemployed
haha
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 22:13, closed)

I hope you get massively depressed and kill yourself

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 22:14, closed)

or get a job in McDonalds
I don't really care
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 22:14, closed)

Oh God I weep bitter tears
having read some of your posts you seem to be a cross between Spankyhanky and legless, fucking hell :((
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 22:27, closed)

I've been out of university exactly four weeks; I'm already dead; can't work in catering due to hygiene issues e.g. rotting flesh dropping off;
..and you just dedicated three (ninja edit: four) comments to me without addressing the fact that you desperately want to be this forum's premier troll, but we already have him so you're entirely superfluous.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 22:28, closed)

You're a long streak of piss and no mistake
your unemployment/menial job credentials will thankfully stick with you lulz
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 22:36, closed)

Ninja edit: five.
But at least you're getting personal. That's not really Badger's style. May be hope for you yet.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 22:40, closed)

Why does that require a ninja edit you prick ?
Yes, five posts mocking the dolescum; dump the gay earrings not even Mcdonalds will accept you at this rate. You've wasted your time at university doing a shit and pointless degree, accumulated thousands of debt, and only now the terrible realisation that you're a streak of piss who is unemployable has finally set in.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 22:48, closed)

Fucking hell, get a grip.
You're turning into Rathen.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 23:16, closed)

I'm a prick too! Excellent.
The amusing thing is...well, one of the amusing things, anyway...is that I only bothered adding anything to my profile a couple of days ago. You'd have been pretty much buggered for an argument if I hadn't, wouldn't you? Maybe you'd have mocked me for internet cowardice...I dunno.

Anyway, I'll hand you some more ammo for your worthless tirade, mostly because you need a new note, even if a new tune is beyond your modest capabilities: I moved back in with my parents too. I'm not dolescum though.

Now, let's get one thing entirely clear in this light. No, I don't have a job that you would endorse. The horror, how can I go on, etc. Nonetheless, you know literally nothing about me except what's up on this website, you have no idea what I'm doing, planning to do or intending to do with my life.
And it really doesn't matter, because regardless of how awesome your life may be, you're doing a crap imitation of someone who A) has his corner of the B3ta mockery-market sewn up quite nicely and B) isn't particularly worth imitating in the first place, and your only response to that being pointed out is to use the word 'prick' like you just heard it in the playground and make with the piss-weak ad hominem (don't dare accuse me of being pretentious, sig-boy).

I know it's a long shot, and my pointing it out probably reduces the odds right to zero, since me and Badger clash regularly, but I would so love to see you get your own place in the Fail Archive under something like 'desperate prick tries and fails to be me'. You'd probably need to make a whole post of your own though, rather than sniping in the comments.

Apologies for length, but let's face it, you love the attention. You're only getting it this hard once though, because you're boring. Badger's alright except for his inflated sense of self-importance; all you've got is, apparently, his sense of self importance, recycled and liberally doused with a slightly obscene slang term for the penis.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 23:41, closed)

I like how you've gone away and thought about that response
*huff huff huff* but it's still shit gay boy. Dump the gay earrings ffs and at least try and make yourself presentable for an interview at Argos. Your shit prose ain't gonna cut the mustard on the warehouse floor, so best to stay mute.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 23:53, closed)

Someone once said to me on b3ta
" 'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt." (ta for that libman, if you're reading this).

Applicable here? I'd think so.

*awaits inevitable flaming from poor-excuse-of-a-troll*

Edit: Oh aye, to OP, enjoyed the post! Found it rather good!
(General_Manchego, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 0:09, closed)

Confucius or Sun Tzu, right?

( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 29 Jul 2010, 8:29, closed)

fuck off piston

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 9:32, closed)

Thank you!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 8:43, closed)

I'm enjoying ruining your shit story
Pistons presence only adds to the faecal smears
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 9:34, closed)

Be fair
People don't actually have to read the comments, and in all honesty, people are probably just having a good giggle at your expense. Including me.

I'd rather like to see this story win the QOTW to A) prove the troll wrong B) preserve this troll's comments for all eternity and C) the story's well written, and a better interpretation of laughing in church than I managed!
(General_Manchego, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 9:48, closed)

fuck off piston

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 9:50, closed)

Nice try
But I am not Piston. I am an entirely different person.

However, I imagine you are the kind of person who enjoys spreading dissent (or is it dysentry? I forget) in an Internet forum, where it is meant to be a happy place for a bunch of slightly twisted buggers tell stories to make us laugh! If you don't like that, you are on the wrong website my friend.

Now i think about it, must be dissent. I'd laugh if it was dysentry, and so far you have not made me laugh.
(General_Manchego, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 10:12, closed)

fuck off piston

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 11:01, closed)

Honda Accord

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 8:28, closed)

Is your vehicle of choice to the dole office

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 9:31, closed)

There was a dull cunt named Rory,
tossed his toys out the pram for a story.
For his sad dearth of wit
the interminable shit
has been put right on my 'ignore'..y


(Actually, I dunnno... the thickos with delusions of magnifience are generally excellent fun.)
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 17:17, closed)

LOOK AT ME EVERYBODY I'M PUTTING ANOTHER FORUM USER ON IGNORE
I'M IN NO WAY UPSET OR PRONE TO WOBBLES
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 17:47, closed)

I don't actually have anyone on ignore - and I decided against making you the first. Not because I have any expectation of you producing anything worthwhile - you're clearly thicker than a donkey's cock, and not even half as useful - but because it amuses me to mock your cliched, derivative 'little man on the internet' tantrums.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 17:57, closed)

I HATE YOU AND I WISH YOU WERE DEAD

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 18:08, closed)

shout louder, little fella - you can be as big as you want on the Internet ;)
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 18:13, closed)

This is where you're wrong,
Happo Phantomo. Cano you noto see thato heo cano puto the lettero "O" ono the endo of wordos to createo someo illusiono ofo intelligenceo?
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 19:22, closed)

I don't think putting someone on ignore is a sign of being upset,
just that you don't want to see someones posts, for whatever reason, surely?
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 19:18, closed)

Yay, Rory's back
I've missed you
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 12:15, closed)

This made me think of Simon Callow in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' all the way through.

( .Yeti., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 14:43, closed)

I'll take that as a compliment!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Jul 2010, 15:11, closed)

'Tis meant as such!
Having sat through far too many crashingly boring church services in my time (and the odd truly inspirational one, to give credit where credit's due), I can fully understand the temptation to pull silly faces at anyone liable to return the favour.
( .Yeti., Wed 28 Jul 2010, 16:08, closed)

I agree with Rory Lyons
you're all pricks
(PsychoChomp, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 10:08, closed)

I know I am.
I'm just severely bored.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 29 Jul 2010, 11:16, closed)