I used to sell my jokes to comedians...
So if you hear someone tell the following jokes, yell out "Tom sold you that one!":

People think I'm worried about getting a haircut. "Get a haircut, what are you, scared?" They say to me.
"Fucking hell I'm scared, last time I went there I asked for a number one all over and she pissed on me!" (Zak McFlimby and DTH had already done the joke before I posted it on the board - original thought is dead)

"I drunk a cup of brazilian coffee the other day - all my pubes fell out!"

"People say I'd look good as a skinhead, but they're scared enough of a scrawny long-haired hippy, why take it any further?"(it's a visual gag, I guess).

I went along the night after I'd sold the jokes to this guy (I might divulge his name in the future, but he seems to have given up on his hacky ways, so I'll give him a break until he proves otherwise), and I heckled the fuck out of him. I'd shown him bash.org the night before, and the only jokes that weren't mine were from there.

Unfortunately, he made it look like part of the show, which drove me to be more offensive, which drove him to make it look like part of the show etc. By the end of the night I was trying to get him to start new stories to see where he'd go. "Tell them about the time you drank shampoo and got a third arse as a result" et al.

He made it to the Melbourne comedy festival, and I never want to do comedy again. I keep telling myself that I made over a grand off the night (an absolutely astronomical amount of money to make as an unknown comedian in Australia), but the other voice in my head keeps reminding me of how much he's probably earned by now.

God I wish I could be genuinely unpleasant rather than what I call 'football coach unpleasant' - the angry cunt that makes you want to prove them wrong. Either that or I wish I could do it to myself.
( gronkpan @vomitinglarry.bsky.social, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 14:01, Reply)