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This is a question Heckles

Forget the drunk bloke at the back yelling incoherent nonsense. Sometimes a well placed heckle can raise a mediocre act to a brilliant night out.
Tell us your best heckles and, if you are brave, the retorts that put you back in your place like the maggot you are.

(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:13)
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This question is now closed.

The oddest visual heckle I ever saw was by a bloke dressed as a nun.

It was the Wednesday new act night at the Comedy Café in Rivington street, a female comedian was doing a routine about growing up in a convent school - then from off the street, a six foot plus guy, dressed as a nun glided in on roller skates, swept right up to the stage and then stared at her for the rest of her act. He wasn't part of her performance, he didn't say anything, just stood there staring at her. When she finished, he skated out.

How odd.
(, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 10:12, Reply)
Argh! Fucking stop with the 'Cue my second bolt of comedic inspiration..." and 'cue this cue that or cue the other ...' you sound like a bunch of fucking students.

Typical innit, eh?! The last few weeks of QOTW have been pretty good, and I've had a tale for each... but I didn't sign up til last week, then this shit started... TOSH.

cue my b3ta cherry poppage...
(, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 9:16, Reply)
Walking from pub to pub in an obligatory saturday night crawl. A bunch of lads were stood outside a bar shouting at birds to get their tits out and that.
After having their proposition declined multiple times, one of them decided to up the ante by shouting "Show us your piss flaps you dirty beaver". I never found out if this was a more acceptable form of banter
(, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 9:01, Reply)
similar to the one below...
I once heard someone shout at harold bishop 'Why are you such a biscuit?'

To which the comeback was

'Because your mum's so fat'

or something
(, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 8:39, Reply)
The best comeback of all time
We once had a rather rotund Computer Science teacher. Brilliant guy, but very long-winded and very pompous. One day, at the end of a quite long and tortuous lecture, he rested his hands on his stomach and asked "Are there any questions?"

A cry rang out from somewhere in the class- "Yes! Why are you so fat?".

A giggle ran around.

The professor stared at the heckler for a moment, then cut off his own penis and threw it at him.

Rather witty I thought
(, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 8:07, Reply)
There should be a 'this is shit' button
next to 'I like this!'
(, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 6:32, Reply)
While we are on the subject, plz no more schizophrenia jokes.

Not only have they been told before, but schizophrenia is completely different from multiple personality syndrome (a schizophrenic may hear voices but they don't have seperate personalities).

So not only would more jokes on the said subject be old, they would be unfunny as well. Sorry.
(, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 3:31, Reply)
Please please please
Stop with the Harold Bishop / biscuit jokes.

Not only has it been done at least 5 times for this QOTW but it turned up in a previous QOTW within the last year!
(, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 2:55, Reply)
Alien vs Predator again

Heard this from a board elsewhere; Philly audiences are hard to please at the best of times. In Alien v Predator, when the guy who plays Spud in Trainspotting starts talking about his wife and kids, some huge black woman in the audience just says in a very loud voice:

'Oh, you gon' die!'

Sure enough, he does.
(, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 2:39, Reply)
Charlotte Church
Amazing, if a little predictable:

Friend of a friend sees Charlotte Church walking through London, shouts some drunken slur along the lines of 'Get yer tits ahht!'

CC: 'Fuck off you cunt!'
FOF: 'That's not the voice of an angel!'

[ed] And also more of a comeback. Apologies.
(, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 2:04, Reply)
Bill Bailey...
...talked about one he was a witness to. He was at a Whitney Houston gig in New York - no idea when in years but it was in late winter and the gig was both outdoor and bloody freezing. And freeze they did, until Whitney swanned on stage a full hour late in a massive fur coat. She sashayed up to the mic and said,

"I'd just like to say, that I love each. and. every. one of you'"

And then a huge black guy behind him shouted up "SING, bitch!'

I just love it when insincere luvvie bullshit gets some buckshot in the arse :)

...I've just realised that I'm posting at 1 in the morning. That's sad, but in my defence I can't sleep. You don't want to know why.
(, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 0:58, Reply)
the best i've ever encountered was at abou two in the morning, driving to beckton. at the (fucking vast) branch of tescos there, there's one of those petrol signs up by the turnoff to the gallion's reach centre. replacing the numbers on said sign, the person that was last in control of it had changed them to read as 'rob is a cunt'.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 22:50, Reply)
Wrestling Whore
I was at a wrestling match and the fights had been anything but exciting. I finally got fed up with this one fat bugger that got knocked on his ass and then proceded to lie there with his feet up in the air, waving his opponent to come get him on the floor. I yelled "Just because your mother lies on the floor with her legs open begging for fat asses to fuck her up doesn't make it a proffesion" at which point many cheers of agreement arose and the ref stood him up...
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 22:28, Reply)
Chelsea are a load of ....
When I was a nipper (3 - 4 years old) my Dad had a season ticket for Watford (who were top of the top division back then!) and I had a ticket too as it got us both out of mum's hair for Saturday afternoons.

Anyway, I had no interest in the game and spent my time kicking the back of the seat in front of me and taking in the "atmosphere"...

At a crucial season point Watford played Chelsea and the heckling was rife. Until it was a crucial point, the whole stadium was silent... and a 4 year old voice piped up with "Chelsea are a load of fucking rubbish!" which reverberated around the silent covered stand.

The laughter exploded in the home terrace and every player on the field stopped to wonder what the hell all the supporters were laughing at. My claim to fame, I heckled the whole Chelsea football team, stopped them in their tracks and got a laughing ovation from thousands of home fans. All before school age :-)
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 21:43, Reply)
Not exactely a heckle...
But there is a story about my great gran being taken to a boxing match in Blackpool by her son. She took a dislike to the person who won the match so marched into the ring and whacked him with her handbag.

Err not a heckle, more of a random attack by and old lady.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 21:40, Reply)
My gran had this godawful knitted bunny rabbit that had been around for what looked like 100 years.

Anyway the stitches had parted around her nether regions and her stuffing was hanging out between her legs. Unforturnately for the rabbit, she was stuffed with what looked like a cut up red blanket.

I came out with my first amusing comment of the evening and said "Look Gran, Hermione's had a prolapse". She chuckled 'cause she's really cool.

My older, dimwitted brother said "What's a prolapse?".

Cue inspiration for my second bolt of comedic genius. "Don't worry, the vacuum in your head will ensure you never have to worry about it".

He looked puzzled for a while and decided perhaps wisely to drop it or further expose his stupidity.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 21:19, Reply)
Not a heckle as such but...
In my oh-so-hated GCSE years I found myself with a total cow of a Food Technology teacher (it seemed easier than 'Resistant Materials' - i.e. wood/plastic/metalwork - and less gay that doing Textiles) she was called Mrs. Cook (what are the odds, huh?). Total bitch-soup with croutons, trust me.

And so after doing no coursework and revision we got to the mock exam... I asked if I could be excused doing it as I knew I'd already failed and didn't care even slightly so it was all a waste of my time. This just annoyed my teacher even more...

So I sat the exam... I refused to compare various types of food on political grounds ("I cannot answer this question. I am a communist and believe all breads are equal!" etc etc).

I answered questions on various methods of ready-meal production with various equations half-remembered from maths and physics lessons and filled a whole page with "I am a fish, I am a fish, I am a fish" in tribute to Rimmer's speed-fuelled attempt at an officer's exam in Red Dwarf...

I very quickly got further aquainted with my head-of-year and my headmaster.

In my college years I was so proud to be told by some passing kids, from years below me at the same school, about 'this guy' who filled an exampaper with 'I am a Fish'. I'm glad I had friends with me or they'd have never believed *I* was that legend...

If anyone lives in or near Scunthorpe - may (a) god have mercy on your soul... And do NOT send your kids to St. Bedes. You have been warned...
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 21:16, Reply)
squealing hot wench fun
My town holds an annual ye olde fayre where all of the local gentlefolk dress up in medeval garb, attempt to offload "authentic northumbrian craftwork" on to gullible tourists, get blind drunk, and, amongst other wholesome family entertainments, tie nubile young wenches clad in the flimsiest of material to a chair fixed to the end of a large beam then get several strapping local lads to "duck" her hard and repeatedly into a pool of freezing cold water, usually as penalty for some fabricated misdemeanour concocted for the howling crowd's fetid amusement.

All well and good. Anyway, one year i was standing in the market square watching such a "ducking" and the "Judge", having denounced some nervous vision of buxom glory as a witch, asked the crowd, as is custom, "shall we duck her?", "yeeeeeeeeessssss!" yells the crowd - again he asks, "shall we duck her??", "YEEEEESSSSSS!!!!" they bawled.

At which point I took it upon myself, in my defence oiled by two pints of Old Minge's Mind Wounder, to deliver what I thought at the time was a keenly observed yet universally interpellating riposte - in my best "bawling peasant #32c" I screamed, "BUUUURN HERRR ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVEE!!!!".

I was drunk enough to think this would at least get a good humoured titter, forgetting that this was the middle of a glorious summer's day, the majority of the market square thronged with the merry frolics of daytripping families - went appreciably quieter and, accompanied by the sound of children being suddenly held close to their mothers, turned their eyes toward me with a mixture of fear and suspicion...

...I stumbled off in silence and hid myself for a month.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 20:00, Reply)
At the Rocky Horror show last night...
...always a classic for heckles, they've become part of the show. At the Mayflower in Southampton, Russ Abbot (the baldy twat) narrating.

He spouts the line, "It's true also that the spare tyre they were carrying was badly in need of some air."

Two girls shout back, "SO'S YOUR FUCKING HEAD!"

Everyone laughs at him, he looks seriously pissed off. Dunno what he expects doing this gig - he didn't even wear suspenders, the boring bastard.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 19:28, Reply)

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