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This is a question Heckles

Forget the drunk bloke at the back yelling incoherent nonsense. Sometimes a well placed heckle can raise a mediocre act to a brilliant night out.
Tell us your best heckles and, if you are brave, the retorts that put you back in your place like the maggot you are.

(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:13)
Pages: Latest, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, ... 1

This question is now closed.

Kent Custom Bike Show 1980something ... 5 or 6 ?
Ian Mutch, chief gobshite of MAG on stage quacking on about german type approval leading to the "elimination of all custom motorcycles within 20 years"

me: "BOLLOCKS" crowd: laughs ! Mutchie: "it's not bollocks, you wait and see"

well, I waited and 20+ years on Mutchie was wrong and I was right
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 11:20, Reply)
The might Bishop
Possible apocrypal but a story doing the rounds on Popbitch was that Neighbours actor Ian Smith (he plays Harold Bishop) was aksed at some PA or do
'hey Harold why are you so fat?'
To which the great man retorted:
'Cos every time I fuck your mum she gives me a biscuit'
genius (see also 'Why are yo so short?' 'cos evertime.......she pats me on the head'
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 11:16, Reply)
Not so much a hekkle as a retort
But i feel it was worth telling

A male friend of mine about 5 years ago was slowly coming the realisation that he was in fact a bona fide batty boi (i think thats the technical term these days....)

After months of agonising, he finally decided to tell his parents. The best way he figured he could do it was to get drunk and just come out with it, so after about 5 pints of falling down water, he went home and confessed all to his (somewhat bigotted) father.

After about two minutes of stunned silence, his dad turned to him and said " Right! Thats it - you're no son of mine - you have brought shame on this family - you can move out tomorrow morning" etc etc "and while you're at it, you can change your name as well!"

My friends reply :

"fine then - Dorothy it is"


I on the other hand had the opposite situation - I decided the best day to tell my parents that i also enjoy errr the company of other men would be on christmas day after a few drinks.

My dad replied that it was the best christmas day queens speech he'd ever heard.

We make no apologies as to the length (or indeed where we put it)
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 11:10, Reply)
'Your all gay'
La la la
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 11:05, Reply)
not so much a heckle more a retort

whilst working in a shoe shop on a very busy Saturday afternoon, I was serving a very obnoxious couple who shouted orders and tried to make everyone look incompetent.
Usual patter from me "how do those feel to you sir?"
his loud reply "like an orgasm!"
quick as a flash I replied "better let your wife try them on then"
needless to say I was sacked on the spot to a round of applause from the staff and other customers!
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 10:08, Reply)
Football Fun
I travelled away with Swansea up to Bristol Rovers a couple of years ago, first half comes and goes and at half time the standard 'entertainment' begins.

This was as normal, kids doing penalty shoot outs and the like. Well, the local radio dj or whoever who was commentating on all this pulls one kid out of the penalty takers and the following exchange occurs.

DJ Man "This here is little Jimmy and Jimmy is very special, how many brothers and sisters do you have Jimmy?"

Jimmy "Seven"

DJ Man "Seven! And what football team do they support?"

Jimmy "Bristol City"

(Loud Boos from Rovers fans)

DJ Man " And who do your mum and dad support?"

Jimmy "City"

(Again, loud boos)

DJ Man " and who do YOU support Jimmy?"

Jimmy "Rovers"

(Loud cheers from home support)

DJ Man "Well! Do you know what tells us all here at Bristol Rovers about you Jimmy?"

Jimmy "No"

And at this moment a Swansea fan yells from the away terrace.....

"You're f***ing adopted!"


Oh yeah, POP!
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 9:56, Reply)
Not A Heckle But,
Last night i went to see Placebo at Alexandra Palace.
There is a little known group of Placebo fans called the Rubber Duckie Brigade whose function it is to throw rubber ducks at said band. After getting there and queing in the piss poor weather I realise that I forgot my duck. I spent pretty much the entire gig stumbling around asking everyone if they knew how to do balloon modelling so they could make me my estranged duckie. No one did.

As far as I'm aware at the end of the night the stage was duck free.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 9:56, Reply)
How to terrify a bunch of children...
Years ago when the film "Caravan Of Courage - An Ewok Adventure" was first in the theatres, I was given a couple of free passes and after too many drinks decided it could actually be worth seeing.
Dragging an equally pissed mate with me, we sat down and within seconds he started to snore. Loudly.
By about halfway through, the giggles over his loud gurgling had given way to outright complaints, so I gave him an elbow in the ribs.
He wakes up right at the point one of the Ewoks has just taken a tumble and finishes up bum first to the camera and yells:
"Fuck me! That Ewok's got no arsehole! How the hell does it shit?"
To say this delighted the kiddies in the cinema is an understatement. They damn near wet themselves laughing.
Oh and by the way, the same guy was elected as our local MP last month.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 7:52, Reply)
Best night ever...
...in an Adelaide (South Australia... turn left at purgatory and go straight past anything interesting) nightclub where some drunken mates and I were watching an open mike comedy night.
After heckling some absolute gimp who was doing Frank Spencer impersonations, he finally cracked and said in his best Frank voice:
"If you think you can do better, then show us what you're made of! Hmmmm. Betty!"
Drunk enough not to care, one friend said "Right then!" staggered up on stage and proceeded to bring the house down with a series of observations about the "comic", a few hideously dirty jokes and finally a singalong with words he made up on the spot that had all 2-300 people in the place joining in the chorus.
Mr Spencer was last seen sitting in the corner with the same look on his face children get when they're told Santa doesn;t exist.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 7:37, Reply)
not even proper hecklinng
I once had the pleasure of seeing Simon Munnery driven from the stage by a rising hubbub of impatience from the audience which completely obscured his weak voice and thin jokes. He'd turned up at one of those Late & Live things in Edinburgh and was utterly shite. Couldn't see his eyes behind his large comedy glasses from where I was sitting but I think he was crying as he walked off.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 6:34, Reply)
Crap local band
Weird lo-fi-emo-symphonica quartet called Osama Bin SARS (ffs). Didn't want to see them, but they were on the bill in front of the legendary Minibosses. There were two girls and two guys on stage, and they played this godawful stuff that sounded, I shit you not, like a cross between a music box blowing its spring and Robert Plant with his testicles caught in a bear trap; they would start off every song with a musical quote from some well-known classical piece, and then in would come the tuneless power chords and the incoherent screaming by the one girl who still had intact vocal cords.

And they would only stop for like ten seconds at a time, I guess to stop anyone from shouting out things like I heard halfway through, from the back of the room: "I'VE HEARD RABID DONKEYS WITH MORE MELODY THAN YOU PRICKS!"
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 6:05, Reply)
More Knives
Woppas knives story reminds me of this one.

I was watching the show at the Bristol juggling festival, the Audience was made up of jugglers, a lot of whom are performers so the heckles were flying. As part of one act the juggler got three kids out and stood them at the back of the stage, he told them he was going to juggle and throw each object for them to catch, he then turned his back and picked up three knives. We all had a laugh at the little urchins faces when he turned around.

After a bit of banter and tension building (and having a go at the parents for not stopping him) he said it was only fair that he used normal clubs.
He passed the clubs to them and then announced that he now wanted them to throw them back,

Somebody shouted 'Give them the knives'. This got a good laugh, then with perfect timing the performer responded with
'Oh very funny... I got the same heckle last week at Butlins, shows the level of intelligence of this audience!'

I've not been heckled that much, most often its been good natured and fairly obvious stuff. The one that kind of threw me was an obsessive ex screaming 'I love you!', when I came on stage. All I could think of to say was 'Any other offers?' got a bit of a laugh.

Length? She must be obsessive for some reason.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 5:25, Reply)
Can graffiti be considered heckling?
For many years in the 80's and early 90's there was some very large prominent graffiti on the side of the National Theatre in StKilda, Melbourne Australia. It simply read "Stop Animal Experiments. One day in the mid 90's I noticed it had been painted over with an extremely busy, colourful mural. It was very ugly. I was dissapointed as that graffiti had been there so long it was practically historical.

The following week I nearly crashed the car when I saw some new graffiti in very large letters below the mural. It read "Stop Mural Experiments."
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 4:53, Reply)
I was called on stage to help a guy juggle knives. My job was to throw them to him and he would juggle. Dead easy. Cept for the beer. I figured that if I could chuck it and spin it (not end over end), it would be easier to catch. However, I got hold of it a little better than I thought and nearly stabbed him in the legs.
Respect though, he asked me to try again, and did manage to juggle when I chucked him the knife the second time.

The reason I submit this under "heckling", is that there was a guy called Grant who sometimes came to these comedy nights at Warwick Uni, and he heckled everyone. He was tall, long haired and a cunt. I was hoping someone would be able to tell me that he's still a cunt.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 3:47, Reply)
a little poem.

I was heckled through the entirity
of my speech to the Tourettes Society.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 2:41, Reply)
A man heckling himself...

(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 2:28, Reply)

The band Dry County claim that they used to deal with 'wits' yelling "Freebird!", by playing it every time it was requested, even if that meant they played it three times in a night. Apparently the crowd soon learned to police itself.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 2:19, Reply)
Well, at least i thought she was deaf..
a couple of years ago when i was in merry year 8, we had a form tutor called mrs. refinewood. It was (at the time) circulating around that she was completely deaf and simply lip-read.

now me and a bunch of rowdy boys in my year came back in from lunch and had the wonderful idea of testing the 'deafness theory' out:

As she is writing messages on teh board, 10 boys suddenly stand up and simultaneously shout "Fuck off you deaf cunt!"

A moments silence..

are we safe?

Suddenly the fat cow (god knows how she got married) turned around and screamed "DO YOU THINK I'M DEAF?? GET INTO MR. MAHONEYS OFFICE RIGHT NOW"

my god, i got an arse kicking when i got home from school.

woo, a b3ta first post!
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 1:43, Reply)
Drag Queen
A drag queen (6'2" plus high heels) was running a trivia night at the local pub (long story...). Gets heckled by a drunken backpacker on the way back from the bar with some really imaginative line such as "you faggot". S/he puts him right in his place with:

"I am more of a woman than you'll ever get, and more of a man than you'll ever be!".
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 0:18, Reply)
Not mine, but...
Saw the Tears at Reading last year. As the frontman is introducing the next song, which is about his father who died recently, a voice rings out "Who ate all the pies?" Think I was the only one who laughed.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 0:17, Reply)
Crocodile Club
I was once at the above-named comedy club in Brighton, watching a comedian so unfunny (eg 'have you ever noticed how in the Tom and Jerry cartoons, when they laugh it's just violins going 'eee eee eee'? Imagine what it would be like if that really happened!') that everyone was talking amongst themselves, waiting for the next act. The comedian, sensing he was losing his appeal pleaded
"Oh come on, I've travelled all the way from London to be here"
To which I had to reply
"I hope you got a return ticket!"
Everyone laughed, at which point he went all red-faced and teary-eyed and the compére led him off stage.

Not especially witty of me, but it was funnier than his act.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 0:02, Reply)
Yet more Freebird
Right, the only personal heckle I've come up with of any originality was when watching Joy Divison wannabes The Editors. Having enjoyed thoroughly a far too short set by The Rakes, and impatient to see the main draw of Franz Ferdinand, I was a bit bored with the whining voice of the lead singer spastically thrashing his guitar about on stage. Cue repeated requests for him to play Love Will Tear Us Apart. No such luck.

To add to the Bill Hicks Freebird heckle, there's a brilliant one on Modest Mouse's EP, Baron Von Bullshit Rides again, which goes as follows:

Guy in Crowd: Play Freebird!
MM Lead Singer (Isaac Brock): I know I have said this before, but the odds of us actually playing Freebird?

There are no odds. It is not going to happen.

I will start off with the first reason. We have no idea how to play Freebird.

The second reason is. In the Love Bug's natural habitat, that would fucking kill him and you wouldn't want that. He is fucking adorable. He is cute.

Thirdly, even if, pick your deity, came down from the heavens or wherever or the hills or wherever the deity lives and blessed us with this vast knowledge of Freebird. And we could play it backwards and sing it backwards.

We still just wouldn't do it.


If this were the Make A Wish Foundation and you were going to die in 20 minutes just long enough to play Freebird, we still wouldn't play it.

Here is the end reason. The end reason is that life is just too fucking short to hear or play Freebird.

And one final contribution, again not my own. I just have to mention sledging, the practice of heckling a batsman in cricket. Now I'll go back to my lurkhole.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 23:19, Reply)
Beer and ballet .....
A long time ago, circa mid 80's, I went with some mates to see the Xmas panto "for a laugh". It was Cinderella. We'd been in the theatre bar for some pre-performance drinks as we'd got there a bit early and had got a tad merry.

Things were going well and we were joining in with all the kiddie stuff such as shouting "it's behind you" in the right places. And at some point I remember a couple of us had tried to make a run for the stage to join in with the sing-a-long but some pesky kids beat us there.

Then it got to a behind the curtain scene change for turning the pumpkin into a carriage etc. So they bring out two girls and five guys to perform some ballet, presumably to represent the fairy godmothers efforts in changing the mice into 'footmen'.

Bearing in mind it was around the same time Paul Hogan was on TV advertising Fosters. I, in a rather too loud voice, pipe up with " strewth there's bloke down there with no strides on".

I've never seen such a butch glare from a ballet dancer since ....
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 23:09, Reply)
The late, great Willie Rushton
was apearing on one of the 1980s kids' Saturday morning shows - TISWAS or Swapshop - when one of those bendy female teenage acrobatic dancers was doing a turn.

She was executing an extremely supple 'crab' manoeuvre when Rushton turned to his companion and remarked, 'A sitting duck for a deviant!'

I saw that show and I feel sure that I heard Rushton say it, but perhaps that's just wishful thinking.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 23:05, Reply)
oh well then
if we're doing scottish football heckles

then once upon a time, the gay brother of john fashanu (justin, highly talented, much troubled) played in scotland for a bit ... he ended up a airdrie which we might describe as a "meat and potatoes" club in central scotland (lower league) ... the fans decided they had to be a bit pre-emptive about this so launched the chant ... er, pre-emptive heckle

"he's black
he's gay
he plays for air-d-rie

(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 22:47, Reply)
Old joke
Years ago, when the Comedy Store actually was in Leicester square (it's in a road off the square now), I went there with my then girlfriend.

We saw many funny comedians (including a pre-fame Lee Evans), and a couple of not so funny ones. One was an irishman whose only joke appeared to be that he went into Marks and Spencers and shouted at his son for losing his tank,

The other one was mostly unfunny, but when some bloke shouted "You're crap" at him, he just replied "Well, when you sober up, you can get your friends to explain my jokes to you".

Then, there was a comedian at my local comedy club who just started his act with "Oh shit, there's Aussies in the audience".
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 22:05, Reply)
Some random comedian...
at a comedy club in South London

Comedian: "I bet you all remember what you were doing on September 11th"

Heckler: "Yeah, wanking!"

Comedian: "So why was that different from any other day then?"

Made me chuckle anyway
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 22:05, Reply)
Heckles: Andy Goram
OK, going on from the much posted one about the comic complaining he was schrizophrenic, and got told "you can both fuck off".

Well what about the Rangers goalkeeper Andy Goram who admitted to being in that mental state. Next home match, cue Kilmarnock fans chanting: "Two Andy Gorams. There's only two Andy Gorams. Two Andy Gorams!".

(I'll try to avoid mentioning that he could see both sides of the agrument. To the point that he was in two minds about the whole thing).
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 21:31, Reply)
Put down: Jo Brand years ago
Have been checking through and didn't seem to find this one:

Jo Brand walks on stage (I think at The Tunnel Club). Before she has chance to say a word the heckle is: "DON'T get your tits out!".
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 21:19, Reply)
put down
Whilst at university we would occasionally go to a comedy night at the stage bar off Sauchiehall street.

One night a bunch of kids out for an 18th birthday sat at the front of the crowd, not knowing what that this would make them a target for all the comedians.

They of course thought it was great to heckle whoever came on stage and were getting a little annoying.

The compere came on and asked the birthday boy if this was his pint to which he answered in the affirmative. The compere picked it up unzipped his fly and waggled his cock around in it.

They behaved after that....
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 21:06, Reply)

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