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This is a question Heckles

Forget the drunk bloke at the back yelling incoherent nonsense. Sometimes a well placed heckle can raise a mediocre act to a brilliant night out.
Tell us your best heckles and, if you are brave, the retorts that put you back in your place like the maggot you are.

(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:13)
Pages: Latest, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, ... 1

This question is now closed.

Heckles
Be gentle, it's my first time.
2 stories, first was seeing Ginger on a solo date at Rugely Red Rose last year. Great gig, in front of me is a right twunt, pissed and getting a bit angry with everyone. As Ginger launches into "Nita Nitro", aforementioned twunt shouts (with impeccable timing) "Wank" (Not Wanker, just Wank). Ginger stops and for about 5 minutes harangues the guy, inquiring why he shouted Wank, why he came (turns out to hear 1 song that wasnt being done) and ends up offering him his money back as he isnt enjoying himself. Twunt shuts up, but for the rest of the song we all shouted "Wank" after "She's loco Tambien"("Wank")

One from Robim Williams - "Whats your names Neal and Bob ? Or is that what you do ?" - brilliant.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 20:55, Reply)
Attila The Stockbroker
I wasn't there; but this is on an old live album from the early 80s:

Attila is reading "Nigel Wants To Go To C&A's".
He reaches the line: "...but the toilets are full of Crass fans..."

In the audience, someone shouts contemptuously "Crass fans are wankers!"
Another replies "Oi, I'm a Crass fan!"
Another cheerfully yells "I'M A WANKER!!"
Audience are now pissing themselves, and Attila joins in, has to stop before he splutters out the next lines. And there's just a warm fluffy sound of people having a good laugh, nudging their mates and saying "fucking brilliant!"

Of course, not as hilarious as shouting "bumsexuals!" in a crowded cinema...
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 20:48, Reply)
Our Bev...
A few years ago I went to Moles club in Bath - a particularly dingy and cave like venue that normally hosted sweaty indie nights and 'rawkus' rock bands. I was out with a mate and being late on a Wednesday night, the only place to go was said club. To make matters worse the 'entertainment act' on that evening was the then unknown Beverley Craven sat at her piano.

Her dreary single 'Holding on' had just hit the charts a week or so ago and I'm pretty sure that she was playing this rather mis-matched venue out of contractual obligations - a warm up gig for her UK tour possibly.

Upon entering it would appear that the crowd consisted mainly of leery, footbally, boozed-up blokes and students completely unimpressed by this groany singer-songwriter.

As she puttered over the finish line of yet another laborious composition about love or loss or something and the crowd rather begrudgingly clapped she said:

‘Any requests guys?’

*silence*

Then, one punter piped up:

‘YEH, SHOW US YOU’RE FUCKIN BEAVER!!!’
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 20:48, Reply)
.
ive read all 2,000,000 pages, why has noone else?

sorry, i was busy posting that while i was waiting for the comedian to come on.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 19:44, Reply)
All the pies
A few years ago some of the chaps I work with went to a comedy club (before I started there unfortunately) for a night out.
The main act of the night was one Phil Jupitus and as he is a big lad some wag thought they'd sing "Who ate all the pies". After all the booing at the heckler subsided Phil simply put his hands in the fair do position (palms out halfway up)and said.
" No he's right I did eat all the pies. I had to you see, to take away the taste of his mothers CUNT."
Cue one heckler put in his place.

As for length, who do I expect to please with that thing?... MEEEEEE
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 19:17, Reply)
At a pub gig
The support band was a tuneless punk group who didn't know how to play their instruments. After a few songs someone shouted:

'Play one the drummer knows.'

They carried on regardless.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 19:01, Reply)
Possibly an urban myth...but...
There was once a theatre production of The Diary Of Anne Frank that was so bad, when the German stormtroopers raided the flat in the last act, a voice from the back shouted..

"She's in the attic!"

I'd have given a testicle to be present.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 18:50, Reply)
Not a heckle... more a gesture
Let me paint a picture into your mind (bear with me, it's going somewhere). I'm overweight. Now I'm not obese but overweight. Unfortunately all the weight is on my belly so I look about six months pregnant.

Anyway, I'm walking down the road eating a kebab when some girlies (those horrid 18 year olds who think they are funny) walked past and shouted, "Oi, giz a chip?"

I looked at them and said, "It's not a bag of chips, it's a kebab."

"Fat bastard," came the reply.

As they walked down the road I carefully placed my kebab on the floor, lifted up my shirt and shouted, "Oi". As they turned around I proceeded to wiggle my extra couple of stone of gut fat in their direction. They ran off, possibly crying.

Needless to say, any remains of heterosexuality in their minds was ripped out and vomited on the floor.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 18:09, Reply)
Sort of one
At Edguy/Dragonforce in Manchester
Between songs:

Edguy frontman Tobias Sammet: Alright, there are 3 ways you can support our band, you can either buy our albums, buy our merchandise or sleep with us.
Audience: YAAAY!
Sammet: We don't mean sleep with the guys though.
Males in audience: BOOO!
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 17:51, Reply)
Tumbleweed moment...

The MC set himself up beautifully. He dodged a bullet. Just.

At a comedy night at my local theatre, there were some young people (foolishly) in the front row and they were ripe for the piss-taking. The MC was pretty good actually, and he had been “using” these kids through the night. Between the 2nd and 3rd acts he thought he’d get a bit risqué with one of the young women. He must have been in his 40s and so asked her if she had trouble from older men in bars chatting her up and:
“You know, asking you to show them your minge?” Cue chuckles from audience. The young woman was mightily embarrassed, and the MC asked how old she was.
“16” was the reply.

Collective sharp intake of breath.

Tumbleweed.

His response?

“16? Me too!” And then while turning away “Phew, nearly had a Gary Glitter moment there….”
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 17:08, Reply)
Teh Mighty Boosh
Noel Fielding is in character as The Hitcher, and (slightly) mucks up one of his lines.

A witless heckler cries out "you've forgotten your lines!".

Noel's response? "Don't make me come down there and rape your eyes, boy. I'll fuck your pupils and destroy your vision with one almighty thrust!"

The man's a genius.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 16:44, Reply)
just remembered another one...
again, not me, but a parent.

In fact, both parents. Taking their 2-year old son off to his first panto, they thought they'd go for something a bit different. So off they toddled to the English National Ballet's performance of "The Tales of Beatrix Potter". A fun day out for all the family.

Until the mice appeared. They were being played by children from various schools, and were running and squeaking to their hearts' content.

So this horde of mice runs onto the stage, and my father turns to my mother, and audibly utters the immortal line:

"A good dose of Warfarin would get rid of that lot".

Cue furious looks from all the mothers in the auditorium, confused looks from the kids, tears from my brother, and giggles from the rest of the men.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 16:43, Reply)
Alas, the heckler won
Well, if heckling now extends to drunken people in the street

A long time ago, in a town far away...

Me and my gothy mates were walking through Bridgend, in South Wales. There weren't many of us goth types there back then so perhaps we can forgive the valley commando who shouted out,

'ooo-ooh, it's the Kl-eew Klux Klan' (imagine it's Ruth Madoc; that's kind of what she sounded like)

We were so stunned by her mistaking a bunch of giggling (yes, goths giggle, blame the cider), black wearing, cider drinking (see above), late teens for the pointy hatted, white robe wearing, cross burning, bile spouting fascists that none of us came up with even one witty retort.

Of course about seven minutes later, we all came up with some great comebacks - but alas the moment had gone. A lost opportunity, never to be refound as I now live a long long way away...

*sighs with relief*
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 16:41, Reply)
I was watching a stand up comedian a few months back...
It was a pretty good sized venue for a Stand up, about 500 people. The guy starts going into a bit when some twat on the very right side of the audience yells out "NICE ONE, FAGGOT!" The comic turned over to face his accusor and immediately retorts "If I was a faggot, I'd be fucking your father! How dare you heckle me during a bit. You have the timing of diarehha in the 9th inning and not quite as charming." The whole audience went"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!" and looked at the now dishelved bastard. The comedian continued on with his show.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 16:36, Reply)
bad booking
I was in a venue well known for putting on punk and metal gigs. This particular night there had been a mix up with the booking. A middle aged band were performing 50's and 60's covers. After the first song, the singer tried to introduce the next one, "this next song is by...." he was interupted by some young uninpressed punk kid, who shouted, "...another fuckin dead guy". After the next nervoulsy performed song, the singer tried to join in the fun and humour the crowd by announcing, " ok, this next song is by yet another dead guy". young punk shouts, "your fucking drummer"
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 16:34, Reply)
A heckle with no comeback...priceless
I wish I'd been at this show. I heard that Cork comedy audiences are notoriously hard to please. During one performance by London comic, a heckler stands up and says "I can't understand a fecking word this cont is saying!". Before the comic can come back with a witty retort, another punter stands up on the other side of the room and says "I saw him in London last week, he wasn't funny there either." Que a lead balloon of a perfomance.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 16:26, Reply)
Horror at Rocky horror
Ok, picture the scene, Rocky horror picture show, full house, actors in full swing.

any one who has been to see the show will know a certain amount of heckling is encouraged

however, at one point, some one is on stage with tinfoil covered water gun, to which some one shouts "Get your super soaker out!"

cue a few off looks and a red face as the person finds himself center of attention for what seemed like a life time but was possibly only a few seconds
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 16:21, Reply)
LOTR
Gandalf throws off his robe and is presented in glorious white. the other guy is stunned by his appearence

"*Gasp* Not new Daz!"
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 16:17, Reply)
Several seriously lardy pissed up women
wearing next to nowt were walking through newport town centre, singing 'Who let the dogs out?' I shouted over 'Obviously your husbands'.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 16:15, Reply)
Michelle McManus
I used to work for Rocksteady and, as anyone will tell you, it's a piss easy job which involves standing about and in spite of all the concert happenings can get fairly dull. I'd signed up to work at the Green Day concert last December which didn't really help matters much but after the show when we were directing people out, I saw Scotland's very own beached whale waddling stage-wards to try and meet the band. I could barely stop myself from shouting, "McManus, what's it like to see a sold out venue for a change!?" She stormed off in the other direction, whereas I got a bollocking from the 'supervisor'. Made me chuckle, though.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 16:13, Reply)
Predator
The guy looking after the girl is taken by the predator. The big chap lets rip with the minigun followed by all the others, then silence and the odd branch falling...

voice from the back...

"ITS BEHIND YOU"
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 16:07, Reply)
...
Chubby Brown threatened to come at me like a bag of cocks when I asked if Harold Bishop gave him a biscuit everytime they fucked.

I cried myself to sleep that night.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 15:52, Reply)
Rude things in Thailand
After a big family Christmas lunch we all settled down in front of the box to watch a movie. During the break an HSBC ad came on; the one about respecting local customs.

The voiceover said “In Thailand showing the soles of your feet is one of the rudest things you can do” to which my cousins boyfriend responded “it bloody well isn’t!”

Even my 85 year old Grandpa got that one.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 15:42, Reply)
Roy Chubby Brown - Bradford
Sometime around 1986/7 ish (probably the same gig that got him banned from Bradford). Mates brother shouts from the front just as he comes on

"you fat twat".
The response (far funnier than the heckle):
"did you watch playschool as a lad"
"yes"
"Which fucking window do you want to go through?"
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 15:24, Reply)
alien Vs Predator
cinema heckles now seem to be legit so i shall indulge my own...

alien Vs predator had been released... a shit cross-over designed to scare your girlfriend into your arms, to which she expected the favour to be returned later.
anywho halfway throught the film people have finally started to die (about fucking time) and the group has split up. one mexican guy (hollywood seems to have a vengetta against foreigners) is all alone in a temple with moving walls armed only with a pistol and a flare.
silence in both the room and screen 8 of southend's odeon... suddenly a shadow darts across the screen. the camera then returns to the paranoid face of our soon to be devoured hero.
i turn to the girl next to me a scream a short sharp "AAhhh!"
she shit herself. people in the back row could smell it. the tension and myself had caused a bowl movement. didnt take long for everyone to leave.
screen 8 was shut for 3 days.
teh lolz !!1!
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 15:24, Reply)
Shit Radio Heckle
Walking around on a thursday morning (i think) at Glasto '05, not altogether with it since i've been up doing the usual hedonistic glastonbury stuff for too long. I come across a throng of people, walking alongside a lanky haired dude and a fat bastard with a microphone. After about a minute of them walking my way i deduce (rather brilliantly) that this is chris moyles and he is interviewing this man live on radio.

Its on now.

My brain is firing on all fucking cylinders, usually im quite quick witted but the festivals taking its toll and before i know it i've been pushed off the gangway by moyles and his crowd and am now royally pissed off.

What do i come out with?

"Moyles....shows....wank.....fat bastard"

Please tell me someone was listening and heard that, or at least the "cheers mate" retort. I've never been on radio before.

I was so disappointed in myself that i stood there looking despondent for the next 10 minutes.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 14:58, Reply)
Verbal timebomb
As everybody posts their cinema heckles, I shall take the liberty to interprete this topic a little freely as well:

Went to see "The sixth sense" with a couple of friends.

Whoever hasn't watched it but plans to do so shouldn't read on.

So right before it started this guy next to me wanted to annoy me and revealed the catch of the film, the fact that Bruce Willis is dead. Now I did understand that was a spoiler. So i decided to share with everyone, stood up, asked the entire audience for a minute of attention and announced the newly learned fact: "Bruce Willis is dead."

What I didn't know then and only learned gradually during the film is that this particular piece of information really really really spoils the fun, because you're supposed to find out for yourself. (I warned you!)

For the next two hours I heard more and more people threatening the little bastard who made the announcement. Was interesting to see the different fuse lengths... The ones who got it the latest were the most pissed off.

Still feel bad for doing that, but it's a lot better now...
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 14:54, Reply)
cast your mind back
if you will to when jurrasic park was released, being only a nipper i went to the cinema with my dad, sat through the usual pre movie trailers and adverts then you got a little odeon buffer, "odeon, the first choice"

to this my father piped up (in a cinema full of kids)

"only fucking choice in colchester"
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 14:51, Reply)
Football
I was once at a football match. It was one of these semi-professional (they get about £5 per game) teams and the score was something along the lines of 14 - 0.

As the 15th goal hit the net the dejected goalkeeper collected the ball at which point a fan shouted, "Don't put your head in your hands goalie. You'll drop it."
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 14:44, Reply)
Paint-a fence-a
At Jongleurs the compere picked on one table for a few minutes, then another table for a few minutes, then it was our table's turn.

"Are you all together?" he asked.
"Yes." we replied.
"Are you work colleagues?" he continued.

To which the answer "No, we're a karate club." stopped him in his tracks for a moment before he said "Well you all look very nice!" and moved on to the next table.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 14:29, Reply)

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