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This is a question Heckles

Forget the drunk bloke at the back yelling incoherent nonsense. Sometimes a well placed heckle can raise a mediocre act to a brilliant night out.
Tell us your best heckles and, if you are brave, the retorts that put you back in your place like the maggot you are.

(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:13)
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This question is now closed.

Was watchin a U2 tribute band
Heckled them because they got shot down and gary powers was arrested by some nasty russian people.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:07, Reply)
Here's my heckle...
WhoElse... just not as funny as drdavej.

(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:02, Reply)
I went to see Evanescence once,
and the rather beautiful Ami Lee was wearing a rather stunning white corsetted dress, much to the approval of the male proportion of the crowd.
In between two songs a drunk near the back shouts "TAKE IT OFF!", to which she laughs and replies "this dress doesn't come off".
There was a moments pause, before "TRY HARDER!".

Fond memories.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 15:00, Reply)
Not mine sadly.

First one is probably a bit famous, recounted by the Scottish comedian Stu Who. He'd seen Kirk Douglas' son (Not Welsh-lass marrying Michael, but another one) trying and failing at stand-up in a London gig.
He's getting heckled, and just trying to ignore them, which just makes it worse, until finally he cracks.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?" he yells.
To which some wit in the audience replies, standing up, "No! I am Kirk Douglas' son!". Quickly followed by another audience member claiming the same, and another...

And a quicky - Ross Noble recounting the only heckle to bring himto a full and complete stop. Shouted out of the crowd in a low and mournful voice:
"You're all alone...."

MINDPISS! What're the odds?
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 14:57, Reply)
Allow me to be the first to post the famous Eric Douglas heckle story.
Kirk Douglas's lesser-known son Eric was in the UK a few years ago, trying to make his mark in stand-up comedy. He was going down badly, so grabbed the mic and said: 'What's wrong with you? Don't you know who I am? I'm the son of Kirk Douglas!' There was absolute silence, then someone at the back stood up and said: 'No - _I'm_ the son of Kirk Douglas!' Within seconds, the whole audience was doing it.

EDIT: beat you by 3 minutes Mr WhoElse!
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 14:54, Reply)
Russian Irish old man
I was watching Arsenal vs Middlesborough in the pub (Carling Cup semi-final since you ask) with some mates, and it was my time to buy the round. Up I went, waving my twenty pound note, leaning non-chalantly against the bar, when an mid-60s Irish man started chatting to me.

"Enjoying the match"
"Yep so far"
"Football is a fucking joke these days, too many blacks"
[Puma advert comes on]
"SEE! Bloody blacks... I'm not racist I just think there are too many of them in the game"

And then I left, many a pint in hand
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 14:46, Reply)
We were watching "julliet and the licks", (can't sing for sh1t but looked good in a catsuit), at leeds festival last year when my mate chose a quiet moment to yell out the, perhaps, over hopeful request: "suck my cock julliet".

cue small laugh, followed by julliet's response: "aw, thats nice, they've let some twelve year olds in".
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 14:43, Reply)
I have never heard a funny heckler,
but a year ago I went to Jongleurs (Battersea) a lot. There was a particular comedianne, Maggie someone (?) who joked that she was very middle class and dressed like she was in "The Mikado". If someone tried to heckle her, especially if they were drunk, she would repeat it with tongue stuck behind lower lip in best belming fashion and then with a broad grin say "I'm sorry, I don't speak pissed cunt."
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 14:41, Reply)
an absolute classic
was watching stand-up comedian Adam Bloom in Manchester, performing to a knackered crowd in the middle of the night, asking them various questions to which no response was given.

he rejectedly murmured 'does anyone here believe in audience participation', to which i immediately sprung to my feet and shouted 'NO!'. I suspect, however, that he was expecting this.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 14:29, Reply)
Sometimes heckling's good, sometimes it's bad...
Once we watching this Kiwi comedian down in Bournemouth. He was really good but not quite as upfront as the preceding acts, and this one girl in the corner who had been getting more and more drunk as the night went on kept heckling relentlessly. It would have been ok if she was funny, but she was about as funny as AIDS and not the good kind.

Anyway, there she was chatting away and the guy actually lost his train of thought, turned, looked at her, and everyone was quiet.

"Y'know, if you were my girlfriend, I'd shove my dick in yer mouth just to shut you up."

After the loudest cheer of the night and a round of applause no one heard the daft bint again.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 14:28, Reply)
I used to go to this Penty church
and there was a guy who always used to fall asleep during the sermons, and when he woke up he'd shout "amen!" so as to look like he was getting into it.

He was know as Tony and the mis-placed Amen, 'cause they were always in the wrong place..

Preacher:"I used to think that Christians were stupid" Tony:"AMEN!" etc.

He was with it once though. Visiting another church, some girl got up to speak and introduced herself as Eve. He chipped in "well I'm Adam". They ended up married.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 14:20, Reply)
A very long time ago..
in a small comedy club far, far away, a semi-famous old comic was doing rather badly and not getting many laughs. My brother, a regular at the club, heckled him the whole way through, and was getting bigger laughs. Finally the old comic turned and said "if you think you can do any better, you get up here"...so my brother did. He told a few jokes (obviously robbed from other people) but got lots of laughs and applause. The next week in the paper it was announced that sadly, said comic had retired.

Another time I was at Up the Creek with a few people including my dad and his wife (both very, very drunk). Toward the end of the night there was a very bad comic with a guitar (the worst kind). He was shit. My Dad's wife decided to heckle, but unfortunately the best one her alcohol riddled mind could come up with was "Are you from Australia?" at the top of her lungs. Stunned, the comic asked her to repeat what she said, which she did. It was completely random. The comic just stood there for a few seconds in silence, then flipped his guitar round to show the back which in big letters said "Fuck off". My Dad's wife was then kindly asked to leave by the doorman.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 14:11, Reply)
The Mighty Boosh
At the Reading Hexagon the other night the Mighty Boosh was on. Vince came on wearing a cape, and said "I'm bringing the cape back in man," at which point some girl got annoied and shouted "THAT'S MY LINE!"

Vince quickly responded with "what, you part of the show now are ya?" and the lass explained that she was bringing the cape back in, not him, so Howard suggested they have a twirl off in their capes, but she's left her cape at home. Vince then said "everyone's got capes at home, this guy has 9, but he didnt bring 'em tonight!" While pointing at a random member of the audience, oh how we laughed as the girl sat down defeated by Vince Noir.

Someone else also heckled by saying one of the lines of the show a full 20 minutes before it was due to come up in the show, so when they got to the line, he cheered and Vince called him "Nostradamus of the hecklers: It will all become clear soon!"

(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 14:05, Reply)
Reginald D. Hunter
Some punk at the reading festival (mohawk n all) was obviously a bit tipsy and decided that he'd walk to the front of the stage and get Reginald D. Hunter to say some of his jokes out loud.

Reg responded by just saying "hey man, you just stand right there and if I need you, I'll signal ya!" The punk proceeded to try and shout out jokes and cheer drunkenly and was then wrestled to the ground and frog marched out of the tent by 2 of the big Glasweigan security guards.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 14:01, Reply)
I do recall one dire evening playing old cliff Richard and beatles songs to a dribbling audience with an average age of 80 at the Southborough Working mens club. It wasn't going too well through the second set so being the flexible three piece we were we asked if there were any requests.
A rousing "Fuck Off" was not the response we expected from the piss and murray mint smelling crowd. That we did, £60 richer each though!
Never did get asked back..

(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 14:01, Reply)
Jo Brand
Punter: You're shit!
Jo Brand: Oh we have a comedian in the house.
Punter: We fucking wish.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:57, Reply)
Was in a small marquee at the much missed Phoenix Festival a few years ago, watching with delight as These Animal Men (a Buzzcocks/Clash wanabee tribute act) struggled with their failing equipment. The guitarist threw a bit of a strop as the amps packed in and in the ensuing silence, a voice from the back was clearly heard to say 'Taxi for These Animal Men?' How we laughed. Fair play to the band as that's what they called their next e.p.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:53, Reply)
On the radio
A few years back Radio 1 did a whole load of live shows from Cardiff - and they were free. My mate and I fancied the pop-punk stylings of Helen Love, who were coming on after Mclusky, who I found extremely boring.

Full of beer, in between songs, and (as it turned out) next to a microphone for crowd noise I screamed out "You're too boring to heckle". Everyone looked in my direction, so I did what any good coward would do, and look over my shoulder as well.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:51, Reply)
Brendon Burns
Great aussie stand-up. Was being persistently heckled by a drunk girl in the front row. To finally shut her up he said "Congratulations love, you're now the star of my next ten wanks".

Silence from her from then on...
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:45, Reply)
The League
Went to see the League of Gentlemen in Cambridge last year. They did it in a panto style for xmas and when failing vet Mr Chinnery asked where you take animals when they are ill someone shouted out abattoir. Sadly that made me laugh more that the actual joke.

Guess you had to be there really
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:43, Reply)
There used to be a comedy club
called Screaming Blue Murder in a smallish pub in Wimbledon.

One night the comedian wasn't doing too well and got a random heckle (I don't remember what). He replied with something like, "And I suppose you think you are funny?" To which the entire audience pissed themselves laughing because they knew who was heckling him. The crap stand-up's face was a picture when he also squinted out into the audience and saw who it was.

It was Jack Dee.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:41, Reply)
devestating cumback!
at the comedy club at Fox Studios in Sydney, a horrible woman heckling the MC at open mic night. She shouts "you are shit!" he says calmly back, " if I want come back from you, I'll walk over there and wipe it off your chin with a kleenex!"
Absolute class, and I wish I'd said it myself!
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:36, Reply)
The Llama Farmers supporting 3 colours red 1998 wolverhampton wulfron
I was (still am) a huge 3 Colours Red Fan in '98 they were on the way up starting to play big(gish) size headline gigs.
For some reason they had a very poor band called the Llama Farmers supporting them.
I in my infinite wisdom thought they might need telling how poor they are so I shouted at the top of my voice between songs
"you are FUCKING SHIT"

The lead singer fixed me with a cold stare and asked If I wanted to come onstage and have a go to see if I was better.

I cant play guitar for shit so I sort of mumble
"no your alright"
he heard me I know he knew what I said but he asked me to repeat it so I did.

He laughed and said "I thought so twat"
And I felt like one as well, I have never heckled a live act again, I did loudly Boo during Hannibal in the cinema and was asked to leave.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:33, Reply)
Doesn't count as a heckle, but awesome all the same.
At the CKY gig in Bristol, amongst other items hurled onto the stage, was a bra. It happens that the singer picked this up and tried it on for size.

Swaggering back to the microphone and testing the capacity of his new garment, he utters the immortal words: "Oooh, look at my tits! Do you think they're big enough for me to join My Chemical Romance?"

Mhhmm, I guess you had to be there...
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:32, Reply)
The Gong Show
Beginner standup tries to make an example out of an audience member:

Comic: Stand up.
Heckler: That's your job!

Poor newbie.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:27, Reply)
Not mine. A friend of mine went to a Comedy club in Birmingham somewhere.
A drunk bloke at the front kept interrupting the stand-up turn who was apparently rather good, but the constant stream of interruption was obviously riling the comic. Eventually he stops in the middle of a joke and makes a big announcement.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the average penis is 6 inches long. The average vagina can take up to 7.5 inches. So, for every woman in the world, there is 1.5 extra inches of capacity. Now, let's say that half of the world's population is women. Combined, that means that there is spare cunt of over one and a half million miles."

Pointing to the heckler, he finishes "and there's 5 foot 2 of it sitting over there".

There is a modest laugh, and then the heckler comes back with his riposte -"I'm 5 foot 8 actually".

To which the comic delivers the coup de grace - "Well, you're an even bigger cunt than I thought then".
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:27, Reply)
Boo hiss boo!!!

Longness, girthage, bollocks.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:24, Reply)
A stand up comedian asked "So what phrase would you use to describe Uxbridge?"
someone shouted "Where Dreams come to Die"
Got a bigger laugh than any of the comics material

Guess you had to be there
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:22, Reply)

Edit: Might as well post something shit and unrelated.

Went to see Stigmata at the cinema whenever that came out. Near the end me and my mate decided to fuck off early as the film sucked and still does suck salty bulb. Anyway, as we were leaving the packed cinema and near the point of the films conclusion my mate shouted "Fucking bollocks" then we left.

Waiting outside the cinema for our lift to arrive, we were met with the now departing cinema-goers. A group of older males confronted my friend telling him he was "a fucking twat" and gave him a few shoves and the like. nothing came of it but he felt like a bit of a dick.

/insert recycled girth/lenght joke here for profit.
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:20, Reply)

This question is now closed.

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