Stu Francis humiliated for my pleasure
Playing in a band I have heard many heckles but my favourite ever heckle wasn’t aimed at me but at Stu Francis (of 80’s Crackerjack fame).

When I was 18 my friends and I went to Devon for a week and stayed at a Pontins in Brixham (all my other friends went to Amsterdam and in hindsight I now kind of wish I had joined them). We went out every evening and got wankered, tried to meet girls and had fun, one evening we thought we’d see what the camp clubhouse had to offer before moving on to the town and discovered that Stu Francis was providing the entertainment for the evening.

Being children of the 80’s we thought we’d hang around, have a few drinks and see what the Stu Pot was up to. He went through his dull routine and unbelievably kept using his Crackerjack catchphrase “ohhh I could crush a grape” in between puns, the evening was off to a bad start and we started making plans for a night on the town when just after Stu yet again repeated his famous catchphrase “ohhh I could grape” someone from the crowd yelled “yeah but you can’t tell a fucking joke you prick”. Stu didn’t take this too well and being a family themed venue he couldn’t (or simply didn’t have the ability to) belittle and humiliate the heckler to shut him up.

His set continued and so did the heckler, we left after security started making their way over to the heckler after he screamed “if you say ohhh I could crush a grape one more time I’ll break your fucking legs Francis”.

As I laid in bed much, much later after many drinks and various substances I fell asleep to the sound of one of my friends vomit hitting the other side of the door to my room …again I wish I’d gone to Amsterdam.
(Sub-Lingual Hates You, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 3:40, Reply)