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This is a question I'm going to Hell...

...because I said the Lord's Prayer backwards at a funeral to summon up the Goat of Mendes, Freddie Woo tells us. Tell us why you're doomed.

Thanks to Kaol for the suggestion

(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 13:09)
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Time for another cathartic post from me I'm afraid.
My eldest brother Derek was born with severe cerebral palsy. He was confined to a wheelchair and lived in a care home for the majority of his life.

According to his regularly updated medical reports, Derek was partially sighted, partially deaf and his mental development was severely curtailed.

I only ever saw him a few times a year. It might sound awful, but it's difficult to interact with someone who can't respond to you in a way you can easily understand. However, despite his severe disability Derek was reputed amongst his carers to have a somewhat less than PC sense of humour. It wasn't really elaborated upon, but there were knowing looks and the occasional wink when the subject of Derek's hysterical belly laughs came up.

In May 2001 I returned from my honeymoon to discover that Derek had passed away suddenly. He'd reached the age of forty one and to be honest I assumed that the old bugger would keep going on forever. However, I was quite surprised at the scale of his funeral, two of his old carers had come out of retirement to see him off with a final goodbye. A lot of his carers seemed genuinely saddened by his passing, he'd made an impression on people.

I discovered quite how many later on that evening at the wake. One of his carers came over to me, a young woman of about nineteen or twenty, generously padded up front.

"Hi, I'm Rachel. You must be Derek's youngest brother. You have the same face as him" she said.

"Yes I am. Did you know him well?" I replied.

"I've been caring for him for six months"

A young man interjected.

"Actually Derek was rather fond of Rachel" he said, smiling.

Knowing looks were exchanged.

"Oh yes?"

"Well, Derek used to kick up a fuss if I was around and tending to someone else" replied his carer.

"Go on, tell him more" said the young man, who I correctly guessed was another care worker.

Guiltily she told me the rest.

"Well, I went through a bit of a phase with him. Every time I used to feed him in the morning he'd fit. I had to reach over and hit the panic alarm" she started to smile now.

"I couldn't figure it out, what did I do to cause these fits? He never fitted when anyone else was attending to him. Sometimes he'd stop fitting and start raucously laughing" she continued.

It transpired that the fits were faked. The cunning bugger had the hots for Rachel and was treated to a full in the face closeup of her large round norks each time she reached over and slapped the panic alarm button.

Here's to you brother.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 15:46, 15 replies)
That raised a smile, beautifully written!
(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 15:49, closed)
I'm having a proper office grin over that story!

(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 15:52, closed)

*Clicks like a frenzy*

And now I'm at home I will raise a glass to you and your brother.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 15:58, closed)
I'd be so proud to have a brother like that
(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 16:09, closed)

(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 16:13, closed)
ya cant beat a good ruse.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 16:17, closed)
Raising a glass to your departed little bruv and clicking!
(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 16:52, closed)
Men! *shakes head*
Even severe disabilities doesn't stop them.

(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 19:17, closed)
Great....but what's this got to to with the QOTW?

(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 20:14, closed)
Are you fucking stupid or what?

I'll spell it out for you...

His brother should be going to hell for pretending to have fits.

His brother was working on sympathy.

His brother had CP therefore everyone considered him a mong.

Everyone was entirely taken in by his act.

The fact of the matter is that plenty of 'mongs' are far, far more aware of what utter fuckwits the rest of us 'normal' folks happen to be, especially when the PC brigade is involved.

You however are simply thick as shit.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 22:44, closed)
*clicks hard*

(, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 8:15, closed)
Don't be too hard on him...
Just reread the post and ask who is going to hell for getting a facefull of nork by deception.
(, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 11:00, closed)
Fantastic write up! Your brother is an utter legend for doing that. I know exactly what you mean about finding it hard to communicate with someone who can't easily do so back, my older brother is severely autistic and I only get to see him a handful of times a year, and its incredibly hard to talk to him. That said, the dirty bugger has a clear liking towards his key worker, a beautiful blond girl with legs up to her armpits.
(, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 12:04, closed)
Truly awesome
I love your brother! One of the mongs (sorry HAD to say it) in my old job loved to motorboat me and called me "Big Mama".

I'll be thinking of both of you today.
(, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 19:18, closed)
Any excuse for a faceful :)
(, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 8:18, closed)

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