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This is a question I'm going to Hell...

...because I said the Lord's Prayer backwards at a funeral to summon up the Goat of Mendes, Freddie Woo tells us. Tell us why you're doomed.

Thanks to Kaol for the suggestion

(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 13:09)
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Bloody Morphine
I greeted my girlfriend's parents in the sterile lobby area at University Collage Hospital London. They looked tired. I looked tired. We'd had a hard day.

I received a call from them at lunchtime to advise they were getting the next coach from Cardiff to London and that they would be at the hospital a.s.a.p.

My girlfriend had had major surgery earlier that day to sort out the constant, agonizing pain she has suffered from for the last eighteen months; a gynacological condition that meant she could hardly walk and was hurting so much that once she actually cracked one of her teeth cuz she was clenching her teeth so hard through the pain. Painkillers just didnt work.

What was supposed to be an hour long operation turned into two hours, then three - eventually stretching out to six hours in surgery. And all this time I was mulling about the hospital, trying to find out information with no luck, stepping outside to chain smoke, then returning to be sent to another department to speak to somebody else in a white coat or nurses uniform who didnt seem to have a clue what was going on with my girlfriend.

"Liz is on the thirteenth floor," I said in my best Tom Waits chain smoking all day gravel voice. "She's ok."

We filed into the lift, not even talking. We were all so tired.

Then we shuffled into the ward - the nurses there had got used to my face by now and we were allowed straight in.

My girlfriend, Liz, opened her angelic blue eyes and sort of focused on me as we approached her bed - she was on so much morphine she didn't appear to notice her parents were with me.

Liz then told me that the surgeon had just been to visit and had told her her fertility was fine and that if we wanted to try for a baby we should start as soon as she'd recovered from the surgery.

I was just happy she was ok, but this news made me feel so incredible inside. I never wanted kids before, but when you meet the one you just want to give them everything, to hopefully bring a new life into this world who's part you and part the person you love.

And so, in this moment of serenity, of absolute love, with her parents standing on the other side of the bed looking relieved that their baby daughter was still alive and ok, Liz fixes me with a sly look and says:

"So no more bum sex for you, Spanky."

Bloody morphine.

Her parents are dyed in the wool Catholics. Yep, I'm probably gonna burn for converting their daughter to the ways of the dark side.
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 9:59, 13 replies)
That's ace!
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 10:10, closed)
Funny, and well told!
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 10:12, closed)
So what happened when you explained to her what she had said when she was mentally aware again?
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 10:13, closed)
Funny thing that...
I havent actually told her what she said. I think she would be mortified. Thankfully her mum was a theatre nurse for thirty-odd years and knows that people say some weird shit when they're on morphine. And when I escorted her parents back down to the tube after the visit, we didnt mention it and never have since. Lets face it, its not really a topic of conversation to have with your partners parents: 'Yes, we really enjoy a spot of sodomy if its raining outside and there's nothing on the tv.' Just hope her old man doesnt get pissed over Christmas dinner and ask me to elaborate on what I get up to with his only daughter.
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 10:18, closed)
This story is so good
that someone should have it tattooed on their back.
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 10:19, closed)
Love it.
Have a smirking click from me.
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 10:23, closed)
This story...

would have been equally at home on the 'cringe' QotW...

and equally clickworthy
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 10:25, closed)
I would like this to win
it's good
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 10:28, closed)
Made my Thursday morning!
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 11:00, closed)
Nicely told :)
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 11:06, closed)
Painkillers just didnt work?
Water based lubricants are more apt for bum sex.

(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 11:59, closed)
have 2 clicks
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 13:46, closed)
Oh that's good.
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 14:21, closed)

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