What the FUCK does it all MEAN???
A woman in my office was told she could accessorize her laptop by the IT guy. She was overjoyed. She came in the next day and had painted flowers and bees and all types of girlie shit all over the fucker. The IT fella took one look at the machine, which looked like some kind of forgotten relic from Woodstock and stammered: “I meant you could add your own software if you liked...”

This is for the IT bods – how I, as your average computer illiterate fuckwit, view a few of the computer terms I’ve just found in one of the handbooks I found lying round the office:-

ACCESSORIES: Incudes earrings, bracelets, beads, baubiles, hand bags, and navel and clitoral piercings.
ACTIVE WINDOW: This term is used to discribe an open window, thus allowing the regular flow of fresh air to circulate round the office.
BAUD RATE: The time it takes to nod off when the IT expert person is attempting to impart their wisom (which in my office usually involves being told why Buffy the Vampire Slayer would kick the shit out of Superman in a bare knuckle fight).
BIOS: Fuck knows – something to do with chemical warfare?
BIT: You end up like this when you try and stroke a squirrel in Regents Park. Those little fuckers look cute but have got the mentality and voracity of a fucking rotweiler on PCP.
BOOT: An item of footware or the act of kicking something very hard.
BUG: A sort of insect.
BYTE: To eat something, as in ‘to have a’. If you pig out in a Rick Waller kind of way, this is called a Megabyte.
CACHE: Moola, spondoolicks, currency, cool-hard-orgasm-inducing MONEY.
CARD: Something you get your mum on mother’s day.
CASCADING MENU: When you go to one of those dead fancy restaurants (the sort where they don’t have the list of food on the wall), they give you one of these. Takes a degree in geometry to figure out how to unfold the fucker; worse than tackling an AA road map.
CLIENT: What prostitutes have, usually members of parliment, the clergy, or my Uncle Gino.
CLONE: Never to be mentioned, as in ‘Attack of the’, a shameful, terrible period in everyone’s life that needs to be purged from the soul, possibly by means of exorcism.
CONNECTION: What happens when you go out and meet someone and exchange telephone numbers which, with any luck, will lead to a frank and thorough exchange of bodily fluids at some later date.
CPU: Something about getting a kick out of watching other people urinate.
DEFAULT: This is how Ali G, or the entire population of London under the age of sixteen, would tell you that you are to blame for something.
DOS: To mess about or generally be a lazy cunt.
DRAG (as in mouse): Dressing a small rodent up to look like Shirley Bassey.
DRIVER: What rich people have so they can get smashing out of their faces on coke and booze and not have to get the tube home afterwards.
FIREWALL: Fuck knows... Sounds impressive, though. Probably the codename for the stealth fighter or something else butch and manly.
FREEWARE: Items of clothing you steal or have given to you, such as hand-me-downs (doesn’t work too well when you’ve got an older sister, that one). Routing through bags left outside charity shops also technically counts as freeware (but if you find some grundies I recommend you wash the crusty gussetmarks out first before slipping them on).
HARDWARE: What happens when you put too much starch in your wash, you need to pannel beat your pants with a hammer before you can put them on in the morning.
ICON: Usually gay, like George Michael or that fella on that Dr Who spin off thing who’s always getting arrested in Cardiff for being pissed off his tits.
LOSSY COMPRESSION: Dunno... got a mental picture of that famous dog from those old films being trapped in some kind of industrial crushing device.
NETWORK: Essential for fishermen.
POP-UP: Ho! Ho! Ho! nudge, nudge, wink, wink...
RAM: A male sheep. Or the act of engaging in very forceful sexual intercourse, ‘to RAM’ one’s cocker-spaniel in and out of the moneyslot vigorously.
SERVER: Something to do with tennis.
SPAM: A type of tinned meat popular with vagrants and people who watch daytime television.
SPYWARE: X-ray spectacles that allow you to see boobies and other interesting bits (Caution: not to be used in old peoples homes or primary schools).
TCP: Anticeptic – comes in cream or liquid form. Tastes better than most spirits currently available on the market.
UNZIP: Requirment just prior to having a piss or a wank. Note: Never attempt to piss and wank at the same time, just about fucking impossible and hurts like a muthafucka if you actually manage it.
WARM BOOT: Footware that has recently been removed and left to air.

Suppose what it boils down to is this: different people do different jobs. I'm apparently an expert at what I do, so I'll leave it to other people, the experts, to sort out my computer-related twattery...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 10:31, 6 replies)

Agreed
I don't why all IT support people 'assume' we are supposed to know how our computers work, considering they've had years of training.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 11:23, closed)

click
For the definition of drag alone
(Banjax, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 12:15, closed)

I liked the lassie
reference lots. click
(Jelly God, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 12:56, closed)

Your point
about Regent's Park squirrels is well made - one of those little fuckers mugged me on Tuesday.
(berk, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 13:41, closed)

This reminds me of my I.T. GCSE mock exam
I forgot what ROM stood for so I answered "The capital of Italy."
(Jimmy Savlon, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 0:53, closed)

Bobbies aren't that interesting
And you don't need special specs to see them.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 10:41, closed)