Not everything on the internet is good
I live in a house with three boys, and as the token girl, you can imagine that a lot of the arguments come down to cleaning. I think it should be done before mould grows, some disagree. I can't understand how you get pubic hair on the ceiling, but it gets there, and it's something I have to accept. That's the joy of shared living, though, and I can live with that. Unfortunately, our arguments mostly centre around Housemate 3, whom I shall refer to as The Twat, because that is what we call him.

Now, The Twat is not an easy man to live with at the best of times. He would charitably be described as arrogant; he knows more than anybody else on any given subject, since apparently a degree in Sociology confers upon you omniscience. Believe me, when he's just torn the cover off an out-of-print edition of a book by my late Uncle, it was good to know that 'It's not a good book anyway'. He once spent an hour lecturing one of my housemates on the difficulties facing families with a parent in prison. When housemate 2 tried to point out that he knew about it, having spent most of his childhood with his father in prison for smuggling? 'Yeah, but I did a course on it, so I think I know more about it'. He also makes terrible racist jokes all the time, with such frequency and fervour that the 'Just kidding, I have great respect for the Muslim community ever since I did an essay on Halal mortgages' bullshit sounds like, well, bullshit. In fact, several of my friends have been offended so badly they won't come to my house anymore. Though naturally when I told Twat this, and other housemates agreed that it was offensive, we were totally wrong to think this, and in fact we were victimising him.

So far, yes, he's a twat. Add his inability to understand the concept of cleaning as something that involves him, and his tendency to help himself to anything he wants in any of the cupboards (cheese, bread, wine, vodka) and you could see why he'd be annoying to live with.

The real problems however, only surfaced after housemate 2, the ex-army fella, and a mate of mine from school went into Twat's room unannounced, to borrow his printer. This day proved to be the end of any attempts to befriend Twat.

The smell was the first thing to tip off Army. We'd noticed a certain 'unwashed' sort of fragrance in the landing, but mostly ignored it. The smell was coming from Twat's bed. Army's braver than I am, and he flipped back the covers, and as you may have guessed, they are not only obviously piss stained, but they're caked in shit. He has actually been sleeping in a bed full of his own excrement.

So, Army decides to grab the printer and run; discretion being occasionally the better part of valour. To do this, he had to see what was on the screen. Please read this bearing in mind that I'm b3tan, and my tolerance is pretty high for most things. Tubgirl? Two girls, one cup? Pterodactyls? I've seen and laughed at most of them. And who doesn't love porn? Porn is great.

He likes rape porn.

Rape. Porn.

Not because he heard of it, was curious, went 'Heh heh ew' and logged off. No, he wanks to videos with taglines like 'All she can do is cry' 'Features three chloroformings' and 'Watch her bleed'. I've asked the advice of the most hardened perverts I know, and consensus is the same; this is severely fucked up. If we were in an episode of CSI, this would be a clue pointing to the fact that he did it.

I can't stand it, and the only reason I'm still living there is I love the two other guys. Sorry for the turn toward unfunny, but he genuinely creeps me out. An important sidenote to the story would be that two weeks later, Army went back in there... and Twat hadn't changed the bed.

Length? Well, if he can't get a girl to consent to it...
(That's Just Not Funny, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:35, 8 replies)

Urgh
Shit stained sheets, illegal porno and general arseholeness.... Sounds like fun. By the way, he didn't study at christchurch Uni did he? I only ask because there where some right fucking odd people in my sociology class.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:50, closed)

sounds like he's a freak...
Your story sickened me and made me want to punch him.... urrrrg

If you don't mind i'm going to look at some kittens :)
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 18:05, closed)

Is the porn not an excuse to call the Rozzers?
(kitescreech still here, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 18:42, closed)

Alas, no.
Much as we'd like to, so far no snuff sites (all 'staged'), so it's gross, and couldn't get released on DVD, but not illegal.

The lock on my door is fucking massive.

I don't know. It's the worst, I'm tied into a contract here, and can't leave without forfeiting a hefty London-sized deposit, but I can't stand him, either.
(That's Just Not Funny, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 23:07, closed)

Pterodactyls?
I must have missed that one. Could someone please enlighten me? Bear in mind that I'm (technically) at work, so no screenshots please. :P
(Helixdaunting, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 1:14, closed)

Pterodactyls?
here.

May contain traces of fib.

(Edit. What the FUCK?!)
(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 18:17, closed)

i'd have to kick him out
can you not change the door locks and just explain to the landlord.
(phe, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 16:03, closed)

The horror
I am ‘Housemate 2’ or ‘Army’ and thought I should add my tuppence and support to this
post. All that is said it true, I took his printer and his laptop came out of sleep-mode and there it was for all to see, some quite frankly wrong porn (it would have even disgusted my squaddies and they have high tolerance levels for this sort of stuff, one of my mates squaddies nailed his scrotum to a windowsill for a dare).
Porn aside, this fella has some serious problems, running down the hallway to make himself sick at 0300 most mornings is a prime example. Breaking things, promising to buy replacements and then never mentioning said item again, ect, ect, ect, all this coupled with his blatant and unremitting hypocrisy and arrogance makes this chap one of the most difficult and irritating persons I have had the displeasure of meeting, let alone living with.

As for length, I wish I could slap him around the head with a lead one
(Castlefield One cannot eat raw sparklebunny, Wed 4 Mar 2009, 1:07, closed)