a few years ago
i lived in a big house with 4 other girls in west london. from time to time, housemates would move in and out, and we would advertise in loot. and that is how we found ellie.

oh, ellie.

ellie was a very naive 28 year old girl from the remotest part of canada. she was very sweet, but the kind of girl who immediately volunteered to run the local brownie group, and who was always cooking something for someone. one occasion when i was fighting furiously with the bedshitter, she emailed me and said:

"how do you fancy a little foursome tonight - just you, me, ben and jerry?"

no, actually, i fancy a shitload of vodka and fantasies about killing the cunt. but that sums her up.

so one night shortly after she moved in, the bedshitter and i arrived home to find her lying on the sofa crying and vomiting. my other housemate rachel said, "thank god you're here," and promptly fucked off and left us with her.

we established quickly that the vomit was alcohol induced. the crying, however, seemed to be because she had pulled some guy from the office. we could not see the problem. eventually, she sat up, mascara, hair and snot smeared everywhere, and howled:

"no, you don't understand. it was my FIRST TIME..."

like i said. she was 28.

anyway, the next day, she was desperately ashamed. i couldn't give a fuck about cleaning up the vomit; we've all been there, but i hardly knew the girl, and i did not want to find myself discussing whether she had enjoyed oral as much as she thought she would.

eventually, however, she asked me whether she should take the morning after pill. i blushed and asked whether he had used a condom. and she said.......

"well, he didn't put it in. he just - you know - on my tummy."

ffs. ffs. ffs. how did she think that was going to impregnate her? did she think spunk went in through the belly button? or that it swam down the stomach, over the pubis, trickled over the lips, and then dragged itself inside and upwards?

i nearly dislocated my jaw gaping at her. poor naive ellie.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 14:50, 29 replies)

*hilarious comment about nearly dislocating your jaw with the implied reference of it being due to performing the act of fellatio*

(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 14:53, closed)

I like this...

So I'm clicking 'I Like This'.

Excellently told!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 27 Feb 2009, 14:53, closed)

Stop trying to get into her pants
they'll never fit both of you.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:03, closed)

I have to say
the idea of rachelswipe in a lesbian ice cream encounter is really quire appealing.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:10, closed)

A-ha!
Took me a sec!

You sexy bitch.

EDIT It was the Ben and Jerrys thing, I didn't click that swipey was talking about ice cream. I was distracted by the vagina tongues and back tits.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:11, closed)

I'll need three pairs...

One for each leg, and one for...well...that's none of your business.

Anyway, Mrs Bert, are you going to write a post this week? I suppose 'zoomates' could apply?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:14, closed)

I have LOADS
of stories for this week, but I can rarely be arsed to type anything up for B3ta any more.

What would you like?

1. Beadlehands blowjob in the pantry
2. Hippie Ski-diving girl sex with Shrek
3. French teacher girl and the thirteen broken condoms of doom?
4. Black housemate who introduced me to B3ta put fucking bread in my hot chocolate.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:17, closed)

All of them...

Now get cracking!

...and I don't mean 'cracking', as in 'cracking one off' although if you could get a housemate to watch it would make a great post...
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:20, closed)

I live alone now
but I used to live with some right proper weirdos.

I'll have several stories ready to post JUST FOR YOU on Monday.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:22, closed)

erm...

\is scared.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:26, closed)

Don't be scared about that little queerloch.
What you should be scared about is that two days ago I did a really nice, big poo, wiped and flushed, only to find a tiny pooflake remained in the bowl.

I took a picture of it with my phone, and I was going to post it here, but I thought that some things are best left sacred, and deleted it.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:30, closed)

Ooh, did it look like me?...

*brushes hair*

*smiles*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 27 Feb 2009, 16:05, closed)

What about me?
Are any of them for me? I don't want that lesbian puddle getting all the good stuff from you.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:27, closed)

I'll write one especially for you
I'll even make it up and everything.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:28, closed)

.
"crying and vomitting". I wonder if I was her first?
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:51, closed)

You must have found the only virgin left in the world.
Apart from my sister.
( girlinthehole, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 17:17, closed)

errm your sister?
I've had her
(flipper is going to die in a bizarre gardenning accident, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 20:31, closed)

Hang on a moment!
You go out with people who have a poo in bed? Well I do that all the time! Am I in with a shot here?

*contemplates strategic soiling*
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 17:28, closed)

from memory
i seem to remember ... it didn't exactly go down well.
(flipper is going to die in a bizarre gardenning accident, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 20:31, closed)

Well that's
just lovely!

Have a click!
( SpankyHanky, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 17:29, closed)

More naivete
My friend was convinced by his then-girlfriend that she was pregnant, despite the fact that she had recently had her period, and that they hadn't made love, sweet or otherwise, since. When i tried to cure him of this belief, he turned his worried eyes to me and said "yeah, but her mum got pregnant with her like that, so it doesn't mean anything.."
(searlichek, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 7:10, closed)

v unlikely
but she still could have been... my friend went to the doctors with a kidney problem that turned out to be 7 months' pregnancy. she'd still been having periods and still fitted into her size 10 jeans!

makes you shudder.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 12:57, closed)

AAAAARGH.
The thought of this scares the everloving shit out of me... that you can be pregnant, with an actual CHILD, and not know... ><
( Maladicta, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 19:47, closed)

!!!
Ok, pre-cum contains sperm!
It really does, and there is a chance of getting pregnant albeit quite unlikely.

The withdrawal method is unreliable!
(little fawn, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 22:38, closed)

???
"well, he didn't put it in. he just - you know - on my tummy."

The 'not putting it in in-the-first-place' method is fairly reliable.
(Sloppy Giuseppe, Sun 1 Mar 2009, 0:08, closed)

^ this ^
has made me laugh a lot!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 1 Mar 2009, 11:23, closed)

Good grief
people like that hurt my head. Perhaps I'm a bit naive because i'm having trouble imagining what he was doing to her tummy...or why he was doing it...
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 14:38, closed)

I believe
it's called "going off on a hair trigger". Maybe it was his first time too.

I did expect this tale to be heading elsewhere when there was mention of cleaning up vomit and "discussing whether she enjoyed oral as much as she thought she would". Obviously not, if she barfed.
(Rsoles, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 15:44, closed)

erm
i don't think he was doing anything to her tummy. it was just the convenient recipient shelf...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 18:30, closed)