Chris
I lived in halls with Chris, and then, after a year living apart, we ended up in the same house during my finals year.

Chris was miserable - hilariously miserable - and, if there was misfortune to be had, it was his for the taking. But it was never a straightforward misfortune. He claimed once to have been run over and knocked unconscious - but the car that hit him was a Rolls-Royce, and when he regained consciousness, he was holding a full, but open, bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale that he had not owned before.

Another of his burdens was the fact that he could never get laid. Apparently his penis was just too big - "it'd rip anyone in half" - and he couldn't find condoms to fit. "I have to use a pint glass," he complained.

He also had a talent for saying exactly the wrong thing. On learning that one of the people living nearby was from Niger, his first question was, "Does that mean you're a Nigger, then?" (We all winced and bit hard into our fists at that...)

But, just occasionally, he said exactly the right thing. When we first moved into halls, the warden spent the first couple of weeks holding little "getting-to-know-you" parties. These were perfectly pleasant, but perhaps a little patronising.

The warden was making small-talk, and happened to ask Chris what his father did for a living.
"He's a hill farmer," said Chris.
"Oh, really? That's interesting. What does he farm?"
Chris looked at his inquisitor witheringly and spat out a one-word answer.
"Hills."
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:32, 16 replies)

I like this...

...and before Bert (or Mrs Bert) say anything, I am NOT trying to get into your pants, Enzyme...

unless you're offering...*wink*

*clicks suggestively*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:40, closed)

Well...
... if it'd break the drought...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:45, closed)

You'll click anything, won't you?
If you don't click my posts, and gently flick my perineum with your tongue, I might get upset.

Or I might just fill your bath with used tampons and guillemots.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:50, closed)

What do you call someone
from Niger. Are they Nigeran? or Nigerese?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:46, closed)

Good question
Nigerois? Nigeran?

Anything but nigger, I'd guess...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:50, closed)

Poor

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:50, closed)

You're a really bad man.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:51, closed)

and a massive racist to boot

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:51, closed)

You're not that big.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 16:05, closed)

I do a LOL every time I see this reply...
*click*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sun 1 Mar 2009, 20:35, closed)

it depends
what their name is.
(Pat_Gash, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:52, closed)

Poor people don't have names
They can't afford them, so they just call each other 'mate'.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:56, closed)

according to Wikipedia
it is either Nigerien or Nigerois, so Enzyme was half-correct
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:55, closed)

Don't tell him that!
He'll get a massive stonk on and no-one at manchester university will be able to use the toilets for hours while he's cracking one off.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:59, closed)

How did you know?
You can see it from Brighton?
Wow.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 16:01, closed)

Don't be ridiculous
London gets in the way.

I can see it from Stevenage though.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 16:05, closed)