Police Warning
Simon was, by his own admission, a gobshite. He wasn't without conscience, but if he did or said something which amused himself enough to override any offence that he might have caused others, then it was fair game.

Which is why we weren't particularly surprised when he decided it would be a good idea, after a particularly heavy session, that he should relieve himself against a tree, right outside the bar that we had just left. Only the bar that we had just left was on a high street in central London. And the tree was less a tree, in fact, it was a sapling. At best. Planted in the middle of the pavement.

Inevitably, a police car pulled up in traffic right next to him mid-flow. Beer overrode common sense, and instead of trying in any way to disguise what was happening, he started waving at the policemen. The policemen didn't wave back.

A brief chase ensued. I probably don't need to paint a picture of what a fully-grown man, attempting to sprint, with his trousers and pants pulled down to his thighs looks like. The fact that he was still pissing, and pissing himself laughing, will stay with me for a while, though.

When the rest of us had caught up with the chase, we found the two officers giving him a severe bollocking as he pulled up his kecks. The younger of the two officers took it upon himself to lecture the rest of the group.

"Your mate, right? Your mate is a fucking gobshite. He's lucky we're not going to take him in - mainly because he's covered in piss. Now go home, you fucking idiots."

The officers let Simon go. The other officer reasserted that we should go straight home, and started heading back to their car. At which point Jeff, ever level-headed in these situations, replied, "Yep, see you later, you wankers."

I closed my eyes, pinched the bridge of my nose, and wished I wasn't there. It was the first time in months that I had been out with these guys, and I couldn't believe how stupid they'd become.

The senior officer stormed straight back, and issued Jeff with a public order caution for abusive language. We all thought he was going straight in the back of the squad car. Instead, Jeff calmly asked, "You're covered by the same laws as I am, aren't you? I mean, you're not allowed to do anything I can't, can you?"

"Well, no..." came the confused reply.

"In that case," Jeff swung round and pointed straight at the other officer, "I'm officially cautioning you for a public order violation for calling my friend a gobshite, and me a fucking idiot. If you do it again, I'll citizen's arrest you."

The senior officer's jaw dropped. "Did you say that?!" he grimaced.

"Um, yeah," said junior cop.

They then left without saying another word.


(I do not go to the pub with these people any more.)
(Sloppy Giuseppe, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 1:54, 5 replies)

brilliant story
have to remember that...
(ewe, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 6:34, closed)

You were very lucky not to all get arrested
You must have scored lucky with some alright coppers...

They are allowed to swear at you, because they are the police and they can do what they want. This isn't actually the law as written down but it's pretty much how it operates.

BTW - a citizen's arrest can only be performed for a crime which would carry a custodial sentence, and I'd expect the old bill to point this out.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 9:07, closed)

Unacceptable in the 80s.
Christ. I remember what the Met were like in the 80s; If you'd done that then you'd have been lucky to keep your teeth.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 9:57, closed)

Go Jeff !
:)
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 13:53, closed)

Digital recorders...
I have a lot of interaction with the cops in my job and as much as I respect many of them, I can't help but think about the few unprofessional tossers who parade as police.
A doctor friend uses a digital notetaker for work (as do I and, incidentally, so do many cops) and when pulled up for speeding he recorded the tirade of bad language from the young cop booking him.
He had the (much publisised) case dismissed when he played the tape in court.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 14:59, closed)