The accidental spy
or stalker, I guess. It was a pleasant calm day at the seaside the other week, the winds were only forcing us to walk at 45 degree angles to make slow forward progress and the spray of the sea was getting battered over the seawall to sprinkle salty snowflake-a-likes into the red-cheeked faces of those stupid enough to be out doing some post Christmas shopping. That would be me and some visiting relatives then.

We took a detour into an arcade to cut through to the main shopping area and I held the door open for a man getting blown in the same direction. He had a moustache, a stupid hat and zero fucking manners. He half turned when I mumbled "ignorant cunt" a bit too loudly when he failed to say thanks for holding the door open and then carried on his way. From then on it seemed everywhere we were going he was too, just a few steps ahead, and I think he noticed as he kept giving furtive glances behind him. We even popped into McDonalds and there he was coming out of the toilets as I went in. In one shop we passed on escalators going in opposite directions and I swear he did a comedy double-take.

As we headed home along the less blustery but now pissing it down promenade I spotted him again a good block ahead of us. Not wishing to put the shits up the old fella again I bundled my cohorts into the nearest newsagents/cheap tat shops to give him time to reach minimum safe distance. Can you guess who was in there buying The Sun and some baccy? I gave out some kind of maniacal short shriek of laughter followed by giggles that wouldn't stop as hat guy fled in terror, now condemned to a lifetime of checking over his shoulder for the deranged seaside stalker woman.
( Ms Shenanigans put something interesting here later, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 9:32, 19 replies)

To those who don't say Thank You
I say very loudly "You're Welcome!"
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 11:14, closed)

I also hold doors for people who are still a little distance from the door in order to make them run a bit.

( Fray Brentos *mega-belms*, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 11:20, closed)

I like to say . . .
"Don't mention it . . . . . oh . . . you didn't"
(Stig2k, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 11:26, closed)

I get annoyed by people who haven't grasped that you have to let people OFF a train before attempting to get ON it
The train stopped. I was right by the doors, which swished open. A bloke immediately tried to get on, forcing me (and others to squeeze past him. "Twat!" I muttered, loudly. He didn't like this, and turned to ask "Wot did you call me?" in an agressive, testosterone-fuelled gorilla voice. At which moment the doors swished shut in his face and he was whisked away in vein-throbbing frustration.

Fair made my day, that did.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 11:43, closed)

They need to set up separate enter and exit doors on the tube that sterilise anyone using the wrong ones
I had some of my (pretty regular) supermarket rage at the weekend. I'd just passed an aisle and realised I needed something from it but my way back was blocked by a woman with a trolley. So I did the whole Basically-hugging-the-aisle-end-display thing to let her get past so I could backtrack. The fucker would not deviate an inch! I'm basically getting impregnated by by a part baked baguette,but she thinks I just totally want to be gently steered around into the next aisle, nose-to-whatever with the indian spices before finally going around me. Having momentarily contemplated a one-two combo followed by a swift roundhouse kick to the bitches face I chose instead to meekly scuttle off and finish shopping, what with me being a total spazzive-aggressive.
( Ms Shenanigans put something interesting here later, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 12:21, closed)

protip: nobody cares

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 13:17, closed)

When I want tips from a prostitute I'll just give your mum a call

( Ms Shenanigans put something interesting here later, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 13:22, closed)

*Fetches popcorn*

( Muns, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 13:37, closed)

*retches popcorn*

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 16:54, closed)

*lols*

( Infidel , shit and wrong, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 16:43, closed)

this

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 17:07, closed)

Here, you might find this a useful riposte for future use.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Q4l6o2fuDs
( Ghoti Fingers, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 19:47, closed)

I like this.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 14:46, closed)

Yer, decent story.
We used to get loads of these.
Not sure what has changed?
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 6 Jan 2014, 18:33, closed)

the trolls took over and scared away the fantasists

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 19:27, closed)

I have also been outdoors.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 6 Jan 2014, 16:54, closed)

not in the last ten years
Without a carer
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Tue 7 Jan 2014, 9:32, closed)

I like this,
and the cut of your jib.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 7 Jan 2014, 1:26, closed)

have a click

(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Tue 7 Jan 2014, 9:32, closed)