CHCB's guide to contraception
Don't want to have children? I've spent the past 15 years trying, for the most part, to avoid getting pregnant. Here is my helpful guide for your choice of child prevention:

The Pill - this little tablet of hormones works mostly by making you emotional, fat, devoid of self-esteem, and destroying your sex drive to such an extent that if your partner so much as looks at you, you burst into tears and flee from the bedroom. Therefore, 100% effective with proper use (see also Abstinence).

Condoms - the contraceptive du choix pour moi, stopping both babies and diseases, and also stopping the mood pretty quickly when you're at boiling point and realise you've got to crawl halfway across the room to try and find one. Also, everyone knows that if you buy any more than a pack of three at any one time you will fall foul of the Curse of the Condoms and will not get laid. This holds true even in a long term relationship, as I can repeatedly testify. Avoid the bumper "family pack" of 12.

The Coil - yeah, right, like anyone's getting near my mimsy with a pointy bit of copper.

The Cap - too much coochie-faffing and it looks even more stupid than a condom, if that's possible.

Contraceptive Injection - a) it's an injection and therefore, given last week's QOTW, it is probably not popular amongst b3tans; b) it's like the Pill but you can't stop taking it because it's been injected into you, so you're fucked, or rather you would be fucked if you could muster the libido. Same goes for those contraceptive implants. In mean, implant? What is this, some kind of dystopia? Why don't they just sterilise us with laser beams?

The Rhythm Method - requires precise timing. Have you seen British men dancing?

Abstinence - I have tried it both enforced and self-imposed. Highly effective but not quite as much fun as inserting flap A into slot B.


*goes back to self-loving*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 11:09, 24 replies)

the coil, we hates it
I don't have a vagina, thats probably why Jason Davies shoved one in my ear instead during a sex-ed class. Ever since I have had an aversion to the buggers.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 11:16, closed)

^
an attempt at aural sex?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 11:18, closed)

probably

( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 11:23, closed)

The best contraceptive in the World
An hour playing with the kids before bedtime.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 11:30, closed)

The pill is teh ebil.
After 6 months of 3am crying sessions for no good reason, I quit it (I wasn't having any sex anyway so there was no point). Condoms ftw!
( Maladicta, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 11:46, closed)

If you don't like the idea of the implant
I do have access to a large laser....
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 11:47, closed)

CONTRACEPTIVE INJECTIONS RULE!!!!
Seriously, I haven't had a period for 4 years now, I don't get mood swings, bloated or cry for no reason as I did on teh pill. All I need now is a penis.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 13:01, closed)

Just have bum sex
Or insist that the chap pops his gloopy payload on your feet, hair, eyes, back ... anywhere except inside your fertile ladyparts.
( chart cat has an itch, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 13:20, closed)

^ romantic though you make it sound...
"bum sex" also requires condoms. Be safe, not sorry dead of the bad AIDS.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 13:23, closed)

Ah!
I see microgynon hath been with you, and she comes in shape no bigger than an agate-stone. In this state she gallops night by night through lovers’ brains, and then they dream of not very much except trying to avoid sex.

Being married and trying for a baby is much much more fun. I'm six months gone at the moment, and not looking forward to having to use contraception for the first time in 3 years. The pill is definitely not an option!
(Cryptoprocta has abandoned the username of Voodoo Mary, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 17:14, closed)

^yes indeedy
Cilest = migraines, the sort where you see pink glowing auras around everything electrical or living, the sort where your head is a giant ball of pain and you need ultimate sensory deprivation or you'll vomit over everyone.

Microgynon = "don't touch me! Don't fucking touch me!", ad nauseam.

Loestrin = "I'm crying because Ronan Keating is so beautiful" (this is how I know it made me übercrazy - he is not).

Morning after pill (combined with the joy of a broken condom or - even more dreaded - a missing one that is stuck somewhere...) = disrupted cycle, vomiting, surge of weepy awfulness.

Overall result: hormonal birth control and I do not mix.

@Voodoo Mary - enjoy your pregnancy. You make it sound rather appealing, if mainly for the lack of need for contraception.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 17:46, closed)

And suddenly it all becomes clear
So this is the reason for the creation of a religion based around communal self abuse, avoid unexpected crying sessions and the last minute dash to the all night petrol station for emergency johnnie supplies. You just need to keep some tissues handy. Or a goat.
(Bazongaloid, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 18:05, closed)

I'm lucky on this one
You know people's bodies shut off the whole bleeding from the minge/reproduction cycle in cases of excessive thinness. My body is REALLY overzealous with this control so I'm immune unless I look like Kerry Katona after a pie binge. Which happens about every other christmas and involves me (i)looking like Kerry Katona after a pie binge and (ii) getting all two years of PMS at once and becoming actually psychotic,
and thus not likely to pull anyway.

Surely medical science could find something that does this to anyone but I'm not aware of such a product.
(Lotus Eater exposed herself on, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 18:10, closed)

The coil FTW!
It lasts for 5 years, doesn't make you put on weight, makes your periods lighter, shorter and less painful. In short, it's the perfect contraception.

Or it would be, if having the damn thing put in wasn't one of the single most excruciating experiences of my entire life. Eep. I've got a fairly high pain threshold, but this left me (to borrow a phrase from Legless and Stusut79) "shaking like a freshly-raped dog". They insert a speculum, crank your cervix open, smear some ineffectual anaesthetic gel on it, and then leave it cranked open for 5 whole minutes, until they decide to fit the damn coil. This 5 minutes stretches on for centuries, whilst you're left staring at the ceiling.

Then they insert the coil. It has to be pushed against the most sensitive parts of your cervix a few times, for good effect (the nurses obviously think that if it's not a painful procedure, it won't be any effective as contraception). Then they pull the speculum out in one violent movement, ignore your screams of pain and suggest that a glass of water might make up for the internal torture that you've just undergone, then thrust you out summarily into the street, telling you that unless you're in lots of pain and think it's got infected, come back in 5 years to get it replaced.

However, the benefits of it really do outweigh the pain.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 18:19, closed)

Mycrogynon
I swear, this is not something that should be given to anyone with any form of history of depression. It is evil, and wrong, and everyone who has taken it that I know, including myself, has had some of the blackest moments on it.

Serously CHCB, try the depo. It is all things that are good. And reduces the risk of cervical cancer by 50%, oh yes. And doesn't make you fat.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 18:31, closed)

^
I daren't risk it. I'm already all sorts of mental. The thought of possible adverse reactions and it being in my system for a long time with no way of stopping it terrifies me. I'll stick with my own fair hand for now.

Edit: and the only thing that'll be inserted between my legs has four letters, begins with c, and isn't the coil.

Further edit: the usual suspects can stop the spelling games. I meant 'cock'.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 18:35, closed)

I am also mental
but fair enough. I love not having to do the bleeding bit though. What with the past anorexia, I've had about 4 periods in my life and I hated it.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 18:39, closed)

You left
off Fertility Awareness Method, involved scrutinising your juices, if it looks like egg white don't do it.
( moogy boobles, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 22:18, closed)

Actually in my case it wasn't Microgynon.
At the advice of Stalker Girl, who has been on every pill going (for all the sex she wasn't having... oh sorry, she was polycystic one minute and had endometriosis the next), I was put on Dianette for acne. That pill is EVIL EVIL EVIL. I wanted to eat everything in sight, then there were the aforementioned late-night crying sessions, and it took me nine months to get over the end of a relationship that should have taken no more than a month to get past (this was twunt ex with child, I was well shot of him).

Oh, and the psychosomatic effects of reading the leaflet of all the side effects you can possibly have. Cue leg pains in the small hours along with the crying and mass hysteria, plus dismissive GP.
( Maladicta, Sat 19 Apr 2008, 23:18, closed)

The pill rocks!
Estelle-35 ED is what I use....best thing ever i swear. Made my boobs bigger, got rid of any skin problems and my libido is as good as everr.
(Holy Gabrielle is Holy, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 10:05, closed)

Morning after pill.
My sister was so sick after taking this that she speculated that any unwanted sperminated eggs were expelled orally.
(singingringingtree Living in the past., Sun 20 Apr 2008, 14:16, closed)

Inserting flap A into slot B
3 cheers for interlocking body parts!
And willies!
I like willies because they are rude and shiny.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 14:40, closed)

8 Cans of Tennants Extra
Imbibing enough alcohol to make the Natwest Tower limp is an effective means of contraception, however if you misjudge the dose you can end up having unwanted sex with all kinds of swamp-dwelling horrors.

Or so I'm told anyway.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 21 Apr 2008, 11:12, closed)

Thanks girls...
I was getting fed up of condoms, but now I'm having second thoughts about going on the pill. Fucksocks. Literally. :(
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Mon 21 Apr 2008, 17:00, closed)