Oh god .... Ive been trying to forget about this ........
I made the front page of the Watford Observer in Dec 1997. I happened to burn my house down AND almost kill the kid i was sharing it with at the same time ...

It all started At about 8am on a Sunday morning outside my digs that i shared with 2 other blokes (not gay!)and i had to be at a regular haunt for bikers in north London by midday. No problems! except i was having issues with my fuel getting to my carbs on my beast ... So ... there i was in the street outside my terraced house wresting with this sodding petrol tank. because i have an intellect the size of a small planet i decided it would be safer for all concerned if i took the tank away from the the roadside and into my back yard where it would be undisturbed. Great idea! Where this plan fell apart was when i went THROUGH the house with the tank and NOT through the alley!

Now (luckily for me in retrospect) its a straight line from my front door to my back door in my kitchen, so i strolled through holding the petrol tank safely in both hands. Got to the back door - LOCKED! Okay ... Put the tank down, unlocked and opened the door and then picked up the tank again. At this point all i recall is seeing an orange rainbow of flame arch from the kitchen corner towards the tank. There was a MASSIVE noise and rushing sound and then i was skidding across tarmac flat on my back. Yup .. Id been blown clean through the house into the street! ... Ouch!

Now normally this is where mu humorous tale would end ... But oh no ... i have more! Of these 2 mates i was sharing with one (the one i didnt see eye to eye with) has left early for sunday league footie but the other is tucked up snugly in bed! (not mine!) So im banging on doors getting ppl to call the polie/fire/ambulance/coastguard/boys brigade whilst shouting "wake the fuck up u cunt! The house is on fire!" ... But his room is at the back of the house above the kitchen so cant hear me.

Well .... he's upstairs and hes awake. And he can hear alot of banging and smashing (the windows and worktops cracking with the heat!) and thinks that myself and the other bloke are have a right old set too with our fists! (whats going on in his head!!??) After a coupla mins he starts thinking "jesus! they're killing each other!" and gets up ... Whereupon he starts jumping up and down because the floor (kitchen ceiling) is red-hot! "ooh" "ow!" "fucksocks!" he was shouting! then he notices the smoke .... And shits his jim-jams! So .... He throws a chair through his window causing a vacuum which sucks all the smoke in the house through his room ... In a coupla seconds hes flat out unconscious due to lack of oxygen .... Hes had better Sunday mornings im sure!

Outside 2 big red fire trucks have pulled up, a large crowd has formed and im being quizzed about the blaze ... like i have a clue! But i do manage to let them know there may someone in there ... And off they steam into the inferno. About a minute later they drag out my mate ... black as the ace of spades and stark bollock naked to boot! Hah! in front of the neighbours! The ambulance rushed us both to the hospital. Im fine - scorched eyebrows and a sore arse - and my mate was kept in a for a coupla days due to smoke inhalation.

What wasnt destroyed by fire was damaged by the water they chucked at it! the house was gutted and almost completely rebuilt ... And i had no household insurance so lost the lot! (let that be a lesson to the rest of you!)

The fire chief reckoned that there wasnt a 100% seal on the gas boiler and that had ignited the pertol fumes in the kitchen. (get em checked ppl!) The gas boiler exploded blowing me through the house which probably saved me before the petrol tank erupted dousing every thing in accellerant.

The police were very understanding ...

OB "So ... you must hate him then. To want to burn him alive.."

ME "ummm ... no..."

OB "behind in your payments were you....?"

ME "up to date actually....."

OB "Well its gotta be an insurance job ...."

ME"Ive lost the lot ... *sobs* "

And thats how i made front page of my local rag ...

(I also made the front page of the Daily Mail in 1993 too .... I have it somewhere .. I was out in Bosnia but i forget what the story was about ... it had a good pic of me tho! Very handsome i was!)
( Jaffacake, Fri 11 Feb 2005, 0:00, Reply)