of testicles, cricket, and comical misunderstandings.
as a much younger and more innocent peteloaf, i was once engaged in a cricket match, as batstop. i was not dressed for the occasion, and, finding myself devoid of a box, i was taken somewhat by surprise when an errant backswing caught me right in my newly descended testicles, causing one of them, the poor long-suffering 'lefty' to do some kind of backflip and get a kink in his little hose, AKA a 'torsion of the testicle'

so a few hours later, in hospital, screaming with pain, i was given a nice dose of something painkillery, and popped in a bed. i was told i would go to theatre at midnight. in my 9yr old mind i was envisaging a play, so i did my utmost to stay awake..imagine my chagrin upon realising 'theatre' was the name given to the room in which a doctor would tear my poor scrotum asunder and manipulate my love eggs like a pair of those chinese stress balls.

now at this point, i feel it relevant to mention me, and my dad are both VERY resistant to anaesthetic. so much so that i counted to twenty, instead of ten, then they redosed me, i got to sixteen, THEN went out.

it's somewhat blurry after this apart form a clear memory of seeing a very concerned top half of a masked face restraining me from sitting up in a very brightly lit room... apparently even a full adult dose of anaesthetic wasn't enough to keep me down for the count.

the worst was yet to come however. i awoke in the following mid-morning, bewildered, alone, and scared in a strange room, and immediately sat up, and swung a leg across with a view to getting out of bed.
i then screamed, and blacked out.
when i came to later that afternoon, it transpired that the REASON for this scream was that i'd been a little too enthusiastic in the post=operative bleeding stakes, and my dressing, along with my poor beleaguered nutsack, was firmly glued to the sheet. this resulted in the tearing open of both by sack, and the stitches the doctor had kindly put in place to hold my boy-eggs in place against the abdominal wall.

i now have two one-inch scars on my nutsack, and may be unable to father kids.
thank god for that.
i HATE kids.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 14:06, 5 replies)

I hate to panic you
but Captain V had that and managed to impregnate me despite me forking out for family-sized packs of Durex.
Beware.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 15:09, closed)

but did he then go on to get the mumps in adulthood
and have a nut (again, poor poor lefty) the size of a generously proportioned lemon?
i also work the odds by wearing restrictive undergarment, scycling a lot, smoking pot, and wrapping everything i eat in PVC whilst talking on handsfree with my phone down my pants and a laptop on my lap top/
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 15:25, closed)

No to the mumps and the weed and the restrictive underwear
so, yeah, you're probably safe.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 15:29, closed)

Clicky
For the last line.
Caught me completely unawares.
(Le Grenouille, Sat 13 Mar 2010, 2:12, closed)

Bloody hell....
My balls hurt just thinking about this. You are a brave brave soldier!
(ohnonotagain It's worse than you thought. I'm Canadian., Wed 17 Mar 2010, 6:52, closed)