Never talk back to a man holding a swab
Last year I decided (or, more accurately, was told) to get myself a full-blown sexual health check for the first time ever. Yes I know it's a bit shit waiting 30 years to ensure that your bollocks aren't a breeding ground for horrific parasites capable of causing untold agony to those they are inflicted upon - imagine finding out that you've been housing Piers Morgan in your jangly danglers - but I've hardly been distributing the Foxtrot mojo far and wide during my time on this earth. And I've heard what goes on in those sex check-ups, and frankly I was scared.

I swear the waiting room at the hospital is designed to be like a mental chamber of horrors for anyone waiting to discover if they'll ever go bareback again. Everywhere you look there's an "educational" pamphlet about one of the many horrific diseases you've probably got, you disgusting boy. The only other reading material available was Men's Health, as if I didn't feel insecure enough already.

Eventually the Doctor beckons me through and we start compiling a sexual history for me. Because what I'm about to have done isn't humiliating enough. I'm doing OK - this appears to be the only situation where it's alright to tell another bloke that not many women have seen fit to fuck you - when he drops an unexpected bombshell, although by definition I think most bombshells are unexpected, otherwise they're just... bombs? Shells? Answers on a postcard. Or in the replies. That makes more sense.

"Have you ever had a sexual experience with a man?"

Ah. Well, yes. When I was 22 I may have indulged eversoslightly in what could politely be termed a great big drug-fuelled seven-person orgy. And this being part of my experimental phase, there was a bit of man-on-man action going on. I mention this and the medical professional looks at me like I've just ritually slaughtered his firstborn. This upsets me.

My doctor was late 50's/early 60's and of Indian origin, judging by his accent. He may have personal, moral or religious objections to homosexuality. Frankly, I don't give a shit, homophobia is completely unacceptable in my opinion and he's a bloody doctor - he's not supposed to judge me unless I've strolled into A&E with cocaine falling out of my nostrils, clutching a plastic bag full of severed heads and complaining of a nosebleed, accelerated heartbeat and hallucinations.

He asks if I'm bisexual, visibly disgusted by the concept. Bridling, I reply that I don't count myself as such because I haven't had any sexual contact with a man in several years, and I would have thought that was obvious from the sexual history we've just been compiling.

I am slightly worried by the glint in his eye as he beckons me into the next room and invites me to sit down.

First of all, he explains, he needs to swab my throat. This wouldn't be necessary if I wasn't a filthy bumboy, he fails to add but is obviously thinking. Next comes the part I was dreading until my righteous indignation diverted my mind from the horrific prospect of having a swab rammed down my jap's eye - namely, the horrific prospect of having a swab rammed down my jap's eye.

At this point, I am regretting giving the doctor any lip. As it were.

Thankfully, homophobic or otherwise he is professional enough not to force my cock to deep throat a swab. It was a bit rubbish, as I'm sure many of you know, but at least it was over quickly. Job done. Let's go home and drink beer and eat meat and watch Top Gear until I feel masculated again.

"If you could roll over onto your side Mr Foxtrot, I just need to get an anal swab"

I ask you, is there a worse sentence in the English language? That even beats out "Oasis have reformed" for sheer, unbridled horror. I begin to protest that I've never had anal sex (I actually haven't, well, not as a receiver anyway) but from his point of view I'm already a disgusting pervert, "compulsive liar" isn't a huge assumptive leap and he's just doing his job... Resigned to my fate I await the first ever invasion of my trademan's entrance by another man. Trying to alleviate my tension far enough to get the damn thing into my understandably puckered chutney chute, he jokes that I ought to enjoy this.

Hubris aside, with hindsight my response was a phenomenally dumb thing to say to prejudiced doctor with a swab in his hand.

"You'll need three fingers for me to enjoy it, darling"

Length? Really?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 14:24, 8 replies)

Please tell me you really said this.
I can never think of funny things to say when I'm going for a smear.
( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 14:31, closed)

Really did
Homophobia annoys me and I tend to engage those who practice it by being a big flouncey twat. Unless said practioners are several skinheaded Millwall fans.

Oh, and try "I sat on a golf ball the other day, I hope you have good reflexes"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 14:38, closed)

I'll try and remember that.
The nurse who does them has a cracking sense of humour. She actually screamed when she saw my peircing.
( girlinthehole, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 14:40, closed)

Surely you can make a joke based on that
Or replace it with a UV one
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 14:46, closed)

Truley
a superb response
(Obi wanker nobi Its not a bug, its an unexpected feature, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 14:53, closed)

click
it amused me very much
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 14:54, closed)

I would have been tempted to counter his low key bigotry with some low key racism
"As long as you dont have curry powder on your fingers" might have been apt.

Racism is wrong kids etc etc etc
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 15:15, closed)

I know, in the light of my stance on homophobia, I ought to disapprove of that
but I'm too busy laughing to care
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 15:27, closed)

Been there
know how nasty it is, a bigoted tit of a doctor though, that surprised me! The Lady Nurse who did me was as gay as field of Daffs!

Clicky for three fingers!
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 15:19, closed)

You're a better man than I.
I would have told the fucker to piss off and demended a doctor whose brain wasn't infected by stone-age hypocrisy.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 17:52, closed)

Must remember that one
but remember kids, fist can be a verb...
(Spud Diechmann joined in!, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 19:47, closed)