A month in the life...
Being a real GMC registered sawbone, I've seen a few 'interesting' things in my time. The 'foreign body in rectum' stories sound like the stuff of urban myths, but unfortunately are incredibly common. We often see people who've driven miles and miles in the hope that no-one will recognise them in our ED! Equally, we have a few frequent fliers who've just given up on explaining why there's fishing line in their jap's eye and a hoover attachment in their rectum... On the A&E computer, they come up as 'Personal Problem', so everyone medical and in-the-know can snigger...

Favourite patients from the last month or so:

1. The man who was brought in by police with acute psychosis. Plod's reasoning: "Well, we found him at the beach claiming he was Jesus and trying to walk on water". He did have wet ankles.

2. The elderly chap who stabbed himself in the stomach with a 10" bread knife, apparently his wife was annoying him. Managed to miss every organ of value in his abdomen. His CT scan is still doing the rounds in various hospitals.

3. The 3 year old who filled up both ears with plasticine because "Mum's music is horrible". Took about 2 hours and a trip to theatre to get it all out.

4. The chap who got confused overnight and drank his and two other patients' full urine bottles. He didn't remember in the morning and we didn't have the heart to tell him. He was concerned about the 'funny taste' in his mouth though.

5. Obligatory foreign body story: elderly lady with vaginal prolapse (things can get a wee bit loose down there as you age) - used to keep an (empty) miniature of whisky up there to stop her internal ladybits falling out...

6. Two or three 'things' lost up bottoms.

PS We don't have a collection of things found in bottoms, that would be just wrong - they're either thrown away or given back to the patient.
(suxamethonium, Wed 17 Mar 2010, 11:40, 4 replies)

Its more the stories for the UTBs (up the bum) that I think have potential milage
"I was, er ... cleaning my windows, er ... in my dressing gown, when the cat came in, and, er ... I slipped ... "
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 17 Mar 2010, 11:46, closed)

If you do get something stuck up your arse,
Do try to be proud about it.

Reasons to have a Ketchup bottle up your arse are:

A. Being bored.
B. It's not taxed.
C. Most of the drugs I could be on are illegal (see A.).
D. Have you seen the cost of a pint these days (see B.).

So if you do stick stuff up your arse, blame the government!
(waxdart hello., Wed 17 Mar 2010, 13:21, closed)

Why can't people with things up their bottoms just shit them out?
My bottom is pretty good at that sort of thing...almost as if that was its purpose...
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 17 Mar 2010, 14:13, closed)

Try shitting a lightbulb without cutting your ringpiece to shreds...!
When I was a surgical junior doc at a hospital on the south coast of England, we used to see a regular in A&E quite often.

Carrot man was his nickname.
Every few weeks he'd walk gingerly into A&E, lean against the desk and in a shameless and rather booming voice inform the receptionist:

"I've shoved a big carrot up me arse again while having a wank and I can't get it out. Could somebody pull it out for me please?"

(lots of open-mouthed looks of incredulity from the punters waiting their turn in the waiting room)

He'd be seen, the root vegetable would be duly extracted and chucked in the bin, and he'd turn round, pull up his trousers, say "Thanks very much doc, see you in a few weeks" and wander out.

He'd be true to his word as well.
( sm.pl.crt.rs I don't fucking know, do I?, Wed 17 Mar 2010, 16:43, closed)