DNA?
The recent Tesco horse-burger bullshit reminded me of this...

A few years back I spent some time on a French farm. Great days. Apart from the work - I was assigned full-time to the dairy, a huge, industrial-sized factory that pumped out over 10m litres of milk a year.

Anyway, the dairy duties weren't that bad, the worst thing was the hours. The cows needed milking at all times, and it was many a 3am that I found myself rigging up the machines, often with only the 60yr old dairy manager for company. The system was so automated that the two of us could rinse 1000's of gallons by ourselves.

He was a strange man the dairy manager. He lived onsite, literally behind the cowshed and had dedicated his entire life to the dairy. To keep the things fresh, cows were inseminated regularly, as new calves were required to replace the oldies when their milk turned sour or something. Trouble was, half of the newborns were males and therefore no use to a dairy farm. These poor calves were housed and fed for a short period before being sent of the local abattoir, where they were slaughtered and ground up for all sorts meat-based products.

But before they were sent on their fateful journey, the old dairy manager would bottle-feed them and chat with them for a while. One night he asked me to try something, he asked me to try putting my fingers into a newborn calves-mouth. So I did. The toothless baby-cow took my fingers and sucked and sucked and sucked, it's surprisingly smooth tongue rolling around my digits. Unsure what to make of this, I removed my fingers and looked questionably at the old man.

'C'est bon, eh?' He asked.

'Er, I guess so.' I said.

Then, without flinching, he pulled down his kecks, pulled out his rather greasy looking cock and balls and popped his todger in the calf's mouth. He stood there, arms behind his head, hummed a little tune and quickly came to a shuddering climax as the little cowlet sucked him dry.

Grinning, he ambled off to feed the others, all the time looking back at me. 'C'est naturel!' he'd shout over his shoulder, 'Essayer!'

I caught him in the act a few more times before I made my excuses and begged to work in the bottling plant. I'm sure he's still at it. I'm sure a lot of them are. So I was wondering recently, that if examined closely, will the meat from those calves show traces of human DNA?

Cos I'm pretty damn sure the local slaughterhouse packaged 'Prime French Beef' for Waitrose and the like...
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 1 Feb 2013, 21:48, 15 replies)

!
Pull the udder one.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 1 Feb 2013, 22:08, closed)

This made me laugh rather a lot, thanks

( 4Q just lurking, Fri 1 Feb 2013, 22:11, closed)

C'est bon!
EDIT: In all seriousness tho - don't ever use the machines. The don't switch off till they've got a gallon.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 1 Feb 2013, 22:18, closed)

A complete cock and bull story.

( Ken Oath, Fri 1 Feb 2013, 23:26, closed)

Sounds like bullocks to me.

(sarcastic fringehead feet of clay, buns of steel, head of lettuce, Fri 1 Feb 2013, 23:36, closed)

No, it's probably true, I think I saw this in a moooovie once.
(Amberleaf, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 0:24, closed)

Don't have a cow, man.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 2 Feb 2013, 0:58, closed)

Albert FTW!
I wouldn't have believed a single word until you mentioned the French but I know this kind of thing to be true of the awful frogs.

I aslo forgive you that possessive its with an apostrophe ( it's surprisingly smooth tongue) because this is the spirit of QOTW and you may have a click.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 1:52, closed)

Not just the frogs
but farm workers in general. I know a few who claim that all their uncles were locked in the shed with a goat at the age of 14. Also if you have ever been on holiday to Colombia you will have noticed all the nudge nudge wink wink souvenirs of men standing behind donkeys. The people on the coast claim it's all the inland folk while those inland claim its their coastal brothers who are guilty but it seems to be a national passtime. Google it if you don't believe me.
A Vice documentary gives a bit of insight.

www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=_VKWLC87Uzw
(Wagane, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 20:16, closed)

Herd it all before...

(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sat 2 Feb 2013, 1:53, closed)

C'mon we've had our fun
moooove along now.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 2 Feb 2013, 3:41, closed)

Yes, how dairy drag it out like that.

( 4Q just lurking, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 19:09, closed)

Now your just milking it for all its worth.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 2 Feb 2013, 21:33, closed)

This gave me the horns

(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Sun 3 Feb 2013, 12:29, closed)

Flock off the lot of you.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Tue 5 Feb 2013, 11:31, closed)