I'm a lover, not a fighter
Coming back on the tube from a New Year's party with the missus a couple of years back, we found ourselves seated opposite four gangstas of indeterminate ethnicity; all puffa jackets, baseball caps and some sort of fighting dog on a chain. All was fine until one of the scrawnier guys decided that he was going to entertain his fellows and thought it would be hilarious to wave his arse, clearly visible above his low-slung jeans, in Mrs Emvee's face. Now I'd usually go out of my way to avoid a physical confrontation because I'm not especially big or intimidating or threatening, but there are certain times that you can't avoid getting into a situation and I was fucked if I was going to let this scrote mock my woman in front of me. So I stood up.

He was still laughing at his clever joke - "Hur hur, I just waved my arse in a girl's face!", you know, the sort of thing that would impress Monty with its sophistication - so I took a step closer into his personal space and asked in my deepest voice: "Is there something funny?"

All of a sudden the laughs stopped and he squared up to me, saying "Yeah, you and your girlfriend, monobrow*." So, burying every instinct I had that was screaming at me to run and get the fuck out of there, I suggested that he might like to apologise to her. Time stopped for a second and the tension in the carriage was palpable. I looked from him to the bigger guy who was sitting with the dog, and shrugged "Well?"

Thankfully that guy had a little more sense than the both of us and he put out a hand, guiding his buddy back into his seat with a "Leave it, bruv." One muttered apology later and I sat back down again, relief at not having been stabbed flowing through my every vein.

They got off at the next stop, after which an older guy from a little further down the carriage, who appeared to have been built out of brick shithouses, came up to me and said: "Well done for standing up to those pricks. I've been itching to smack the fuck out of them all journey, and if it had kicked off I'd have killed the cunts."

*My eyebrows don't meet in the middle. Again, this is the sort of humour that Monty would no doubt appreciate.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 14:52, 26 replies)

Now I wouldnt normally comment but
In this post you say you avoid confrontation normally etc etc.
However down there you are claiming to be some sort of part time bouncer come Bar enforcer... So one of these must be fibs...



I hereby call you FIBBY FIBINGTON TO ALL INSUNDRY
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 14:57, closed)

I avoid confrontation like the plague
but you seem to have missed the bit where I said I was dating the bar manager, and when someone threatens your girlfriend you have to step in, it's the law. So I did what I had to while inside I wanted to run away and "weep like a blubber-titted bitch".

Apologies for answering the actual question instead of acting the cunt.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 15:09, closed)

i think you've done both :D

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 15:13, closed)

Good

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 15:14, closed)

:D

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 15:15, closed)

Oh, and it's "all and sundry"
you thick twat
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 15:15, closed)

Ah starting with the insults early
Fair point and I accept the correction...

However in your previous post you at no point say that you dislike confrontation and positively revel in saying you are throwing people out of the bar. This is at odds with the above post ergo you are a fibby fibington

Now you can say sorry for the insult
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 15:21, closed)

I said I was dating the bar manager and because of that I was expected to step in.
At the end I expressed relief that they were usually to drunk to fight properly. Any suggestion of "positively revelling" in throwing people out of the bar is entirely your inference, because most of the time I was shitting myself. Which was the entire point of the question, wasn't it?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 15:31, closed)

I once dated a solicitor which meant that sometimes I had to act as a bailiff or court clerk
because that's how jobs work in fruitloop lala imaginary land.
(alright alright, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 16:25, closed)

Only in fruitloop lala imaginary land would you be dating anyone

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 16:57, closed)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SHIT NO YOU DIDN'T!!!!
(TheManHimself Beer Drinkin', Breath Stinkin', Sniffing Glue, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 18:53, closed)

IT'S 'TOO DRUNK TO FIGHT PROPERLY'
You thick twat.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 19:32, closed)

*slow hand clap*

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 20:53, closed)

if you have that, you should get Yoda Mask to wank you off faster.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 22:43, closed)

Well to be fair I've asked her to be a bit more brisk
but she says she prefers to hang out around our place, because your dad knocks her around if she's late with his dinner
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Sat 3 Aug 2013, 0:11, closed)

WAY INSTAIN

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 3 Aug 2013, 14:44, closed)

did you threaten to insert lego up his bum?

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 14:59, closed)

A similar thing happened to me, once.
Only it was a crackhead that said he'd have stabbed them for me. And I didn't do anything to initiate it. And it wasn't on a train.

So not really like your story at all, but hey. Crackhead.
( gone, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 15:01, closed)

This is lovely.
I particularly like how you've made such a big deal about how you're ignoring people that rather than respond in the previous thread you've started this brand new Marshmallow. Splendid stuff.
(alright alright, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 15:10, closed)

Oh hey Shambo
nice sock
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 15:12, closed)

alright, ringo

(alright alright, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 15:17, closed)

Howdy cowfoot!

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 3 Aug 2013, 1:51, closed)

Surely this is trolling?

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 16:28, closed)

Is it?
Excellent
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 16:42, closed)

Monty Neil Petark
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 2 Aug 2013, 23:51, closed)

Had he a figurine in his arse, things would have turned out even more in your favour.
(Bum Bag Fashion Boy Burned a home made pizza on, Sat 3 Aug 2013, 7:27, closed)