when i'd been driving for a few months, we went over to yorkshire to see the family, and my dad decided the red wine was too good to pass up
so he gave me the keys to his week old company car. i was used to driving a 1970's beetle that shuddered like YM at the vinegars if it hit 50mph, so this was a dear diary moment.

on the way home, i was doing about 80-85mph in the outside lane* and wanted to be in the middle lane. i checked the mirror, flicked the indicator, and went for it. my dad, who was sitting in the passenger seat, yelled, NO!!!! there was a van that i hadn't seen, which was trying to move from the inside lane to the middle lane at exactly the same time.

i jumped and yanked the wheel back the other way. the car gave a horrible lurching screeching wobble and then i was completely out of control. you only realise how fast 80mph is when you're spinning and going sideways. unbelievably for rush hour traffic, we ended up facing the right way and totally unscathed on the hard shoulder, with not even a bruise amongst the 4 of us. i was hysterical, as i thought i'd hit lots of other cars and killed lots of people (i wouldn't wish those few minutes on anyone, no, not even you, AB or shambles), but it turned out to be where we'd bounced off the barriers.

the poor car was a total write-off. ripped to shreds. you could literally see the engineering that had held us all safe and saved all our lives. i kept crying about it, and in the end my dad said, "look, fuck the car." to which i sobbed, "i've already done that..."

people had stopped on the hard shoulder, and they had called the police/ambulance. they couldn't believe we all got out without even a scratch; one said eloquently, "i thought you'd all be pulp." they also pointed out that the van, which had been behind me and really should have seen me, had fucked off at a proper pace and had not hung around to see what happened.

still all's well that ends well, especially as the claim was on the company's insurance with just a small excess to pay (apparently it costs a fortune to repair motorway barriers as they often have to close the motorway or some of the lanes). but i woke up having nightmares about the sensation of slamming sideways across a busy motorway for about 3 years afterwards. shudder.


*why the fuck do they call it that? clearly it is the inside lane. it is INSIDE the motorway
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 21 May 2014, 17:49, 13 replies)

I only ever get namechecked in really dull stories these days
ヽ(´□｀。)ﾉ
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 21 May 2014, 17:57, closed)

you still had to read at least half of it to get that far
haha, you're never getting those minutes back.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 21 May 2014, 18:05, closed)

minutes? minutes? how remedial is the reading on here? minutes?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 21 May 2014, 18:07, closed)

you had your reading specs on and your finger moving slowly under each word

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 21 May 2014, 19:07, closed)

kinky bitch

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 21 May 2014, 19:14, closed)

My lips move as I read,
and my tongue pokes out the corner of my mouth as I type.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 22 May 2014, 0:32, closed)

sexy as

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 22 May 2014, 10:33, closed)

I like to call them:
1) The Slow-witted Dullards Lane
2) The Smugly-Refuse-To-Pull-Into-The-Correct-Lane Lane
3) The Impatient Bastards Lane

Then everyone knows exactly which lane you're talking about.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Wed 21 May 2014, 18:13, closed)

3) strongly determined lane who become impatient due to 2.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 22 May 2014, 10:34, closed)

2. The avoiding the foot deep ruts left by a million 40 tonne articulated lorries lane.

Amateur traffic cops can fuck off.
(username failed moderation, Thu 22 May 2014, 11:49, closed)

Look... I know you two want to justify your preferred lane occupancy...
But frankly I've been very fair to the occupants of all three lanes; you're all some variant of "arsehole who should get out of my way".
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 22 May 2014, 13:00, closed)

You are a fucking idiot.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 21 May 2014, 23:17, closed)

Similar story.
Cut up by a repmobile on a wet carriageway, leaving me spinning and slamming into the barriers whilst those around me skilfully avoid contact. Car written off, barriers buggered, rep nowhere to be seen.
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 22 May 2014, 13:48, closed)