And that's the thanks he got
I spent most of my university years as a devout muslim, so spent a good deal of time playing scrabble while my livelier chums were out clubbing.

In my final semester I tearfully realized that I didn't have faith any more, and my excellent friends, in their efforts to get me out of the blues, were quick to cotton on to the fact that I could now 1) Eat pork, 2) Dance with (and perhaps even shake hands with) women and 3) Drink. When my good friend Joe heard the news that I was a filthy apostate he immediately handed over the sausage sandwich he was eating. Bless him. A group of buddies including Joe decided that a night out was essential, partly out of their innate philanthropy and partly because they were awfully curious to see what I was like when under the influence.

The plan was to go to a night of cheesy dance music- I think it was called "Buttoned Down Disco", a place in London famous for its easy going clientele. Before heading to the club, my friends gave me a wonderful introduction to alcohol:

"This is a "beer". It's fizzy, like lemonade. Try it while eating peanuts. Good boy, no need to drink it all at once. This is a "gin and tonic". It's posh. That's it, down the hatch. This is a "tequila". It's utter rat poison, but traditional for students to drink on a night out. Good lad, the tears will go away soon."

After this introduction to the world of drinking, I was feeling very good and pretty gregarious, despite the world shifting nauseatingly beneath me (thankfully Joe had warned me beforehand to stay close to supporting masonry, so that I could choose to have a refreshing lean against the wall should the need arise). When we got to the club I warmed up the dancefloor with a few alcohol lubricated moves (which felt amazing! Dancing while drunk is simply splendid). With the ladies at the club suitably impressed with my flailing it was time to start schmoozing. MY memory of it is a little hazy, but according to Joe I walked up to a girl, shouted at her "I'm the cleverest man in the whole world, bleaargh!", lost interest and proceeded to look at something on the floor.

Shortly after this I pushed my friend Tom down a flight of stairs, and didn't particularly care when he was rushed off to A&E (he needed stitches and does not hesitate to show me the scar today). Of course I didn't care, I was a combination of the Jameses Bond and Brown. Joe, however, decided that was a good opportunity to call it a night, and he dragged me homewards. He tells me that my chat-up technique had improved tremendously on the journey, and I was well on the way to scoring with a woman at a bus stop. The lady in question was a homeless sixty year old who was visibly trying to run away.

I actually rather enjoyed myself, but I guess my friends didn't appreciate the evening much, which is my tenuous excuse for posting this under "nights out gone wrong". They've steadfastly refused to buy me a drink since.
(I grew it myself, Sun 27 Mar 2011, 13:22, 15 replies)

I doff my cap in your direction!
Splendid stuff.
Simply splendid!
Gets a click x
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 27 Mar 2011, 14:10, closed)

Out of interest.
Did you want to eat pork after you lost your faith. All my Muslim friends maintain that pork is disgusting, if they ever tried it they would hate the flavour and if they weren't Muslims they wouldn't eat it. This includes my Muslim friends who drink alcohol.

So I was wondering, when you were handed that sausage sandwich, were you thinking 'yeah baby, pig meat, or hhmmmmmmm not sure about this.'
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sun 27 Mar 2011, 14:14, closed)

I wondered this
but surely, everybody can be converted to bacon.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 27 Mar 2011, 14:22, closed)

Try it with onion rings
In fact now I'm such a pork fan I was planning on having Weebl's excellent PORK song played at our wedding. Wifey was up for it too, but it was probably a bit too insensitive to our parents so we nixed that plan. Alas.
(I grew it myself, Sun 27 Mar 2011, 15:04, closed)

I think my one fundamental objection to Islam and Judaism
is that they rarely serve scotch eggs at wedding receptions.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 27 Mar 2011, 18:59, closed)

no sossies or bacon for the hangover breakfast, either

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 27 Mar 2011, 19:03, closed)

I think we've reached an interesting and constructive conclusion about world politics and theology here.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 27 Mar 2011, 21:46, closed)

i concur

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 27 Mar 2011, 21:52, closed)

Sounds like they were good enough to break you in fairly gently to the evils of drink.
Top work, though!
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sun 27 Mar 2011, 14:35, closed)

Good for you.
No good can come from pork abstinence, whatever the reason. Nice to hear that you slotted in to the rigours of 'normal' student behaviour with such wonderful insouciance. Top, have a click, although I insist that you give half to your mates.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Sun 27 Mar 2011, 16:36, closed)

This clearly belongs in the Nights Out Gone Dead Right section
but I very much like the story and will demonstrate this by clicking on it.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 27 Mar 2011, 18:58, closed)

ha ha!
Brilliant stuff... "Combination of the Jameses"!
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Sun 27 Mar 2011, 20:44, closed)

^
and a click
( 4Q just lurking, Mon 28 Mar 2011, 0:08, closed)

excellent
and well written.

I give you a click
( nivoser tangos with the devil, Sun 27 Mar 2011, 22:33, closed)

Absolutely marvelous

( rofl harris, Mon 28 Mar 2011, 10:15, closed)