This is well timed
As my story only happened two months ago.

My cash had completely dried up, so six months prior I was forced to take a menial data entry job to make ends meet. It was monstrously simple work, which I did my best to liven up by writing a series of dirty limericks in the "other" field of each entry. I was doing okay, except the only thing that was spoiling my calm was Brad, the occupant of the next cubicle over.

The one thing that really sets me off is people with no self-awareness. I truly cannot understand how you can move through the world with no conception of your impact upon it, especially when so much of that world is asking you to please, please, keep your voice down. Brad was one of these people. No really, he was the full list: he showered once a month tops, talked at the top of his voice, and ate like a particularly dim-witted pig. He would often fart loudly and then giggle, or loudly congratulate himself.

To make matters worse, the people that ran the place had, in a misplaced attempt to boost morale, permitted music to be played, but had failed to require the use of headphones. Brad liked Capital FM, and played it all day, frequently turning it up and declaring, "Awww, TUNE!!!!!!" and often singing along. Adding insult to injury, Brad was one of those witless, unbearable fucks who had no desire to learn the proper lyrics and would just belt out whatever sounded about right and ignore all attempts to at least put him straight.

All this was seriously damaging my calm, but having been written up in the past for yelling at colleagues, I did my best to keep my dealings with Brad measured, and my complaints civil. But when challenged, all he would do is give this excrutiating, bovine look of contrition and then go right back to doing whatever it was that was disturbing the peace. The supervisors didn't care. They were clean on the other side of the office. Why should they lift a finger?

One day it all got too much. His radio was way too loud, he had mooed out "Hopping Gangrene Style!!!" once too often, he was farting like a dying steam engine, and I had a truly rotten hangover. But I kept my cool, leant over and said "Brad, could you keep it down please? And maybe use the toilet? That doesn't sound healthy." He made the fucking face, that appalling fucking "sorry" face, and my innards tightened in frustration. It was getting too much. But I was going to stay in control. I leaned over the partition and reached for his radio.

"Come on mate, let's just turn this down, eh? Some people are trying to woOOOORHHHHHUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I wailed as I inhaled the full force of his latest backside benefaction, causing my full English breakfast to come back for an encore and me to chunder copiously all over Brad and his work area.

"YOU RANCID BASTARD! YOU APPALLING, STINK SOAKED FUOARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHH!" I continued, emptying myself further over the poor young lady in the corner cubicle.

And that's how I ended up being summarily dismissed for screaming at a vomit drenched moron.

On the way home a man punched me in a ball for making a pun about a shelf.
(Frank Snow, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 22:15, 12 replies)

have a click for "farting like a dying steam engine"

( zulu eh?, Tue 4 Dec 2012, 10:12, closed)

Winner.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 4 Dec 2012, 10:28, closed)

This is excellent
Wankers take note: it genuinely is possible to post an entertaining, non self-aggrandising, non-lie-filled yarn on here.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 4 Dec 2012, 11:25, closed)

Frank Snow
is a veritable bastion of truthiness.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 4 Dec 2012, 11:37, closed)

Monty pronouncing on other people's wankiness, lying and self aggrandising has brightened my morning.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Wed 5 Dec 2012, 7:01, closed)

Carry on like this young man and he'll have his brother decapitate you.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 5 Dec 2012, 7:10, closed)

If his brother showed up at my gaff I'd probably shoot him and feed him to my chickens. You won't believe what 4 hungry chickens can do to a human body.

How's the wife?
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Wed 5 Dec 2012, 7:26, closed)

Fat.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 5 Dec 2012, 8:07, closed)

*lol*
Terrible bullying of AB's missus, here.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 5 Dec 2012, 10:38, closed)

i like this

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 4 Dec 2012, 14:04, closed)

YES.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 4 Dec 2012, 21:00, closed)

You're ruining this place with your grasp of anecdote.
You awful ruiner.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 4 Dec 2012, 21:34, closed)