You know those events in your life that cause pride and shame in equal measure?
This is one of those.

Upon learning that I was being dumped it is safe to say that I was a little emotional. Hearing it on Boxing Day felt like a particularly expertly applied cockpunch in additional to the overall kick to the balls that the end of this relationship felt like.*

On the other hand, as it was Boxing Day it meant that all of my mates were available to go to the pub to commeriserate. Or at least, pretend to whilst getting festively pissed.

So I drove direct from the house that I would very soon have to move out of, to the pub. Had me a couple of small glasses of wine as a warm up and thought "Hmm. Before I get pissed, I really should drive to my parents' place and drop the car off. It's only a couple of miles, and I can walk back here."

Hm? Why yes. Yes, I was a thunderously stupid prick in thinking that.

Into the car I got, off I drove. Less than a mile later, the blue flashing lights appeared in my rear view mirror. I pulled over into a street.

Now I should say, I didn't think I was remotely drunk at this point. So I hopped out of the car beaming with the confidence of the slightly pissed. "Afternoon officers. Documents check is it?" I politely enquired.

"Eh, yeah mate." replied a policeman who, to my eye, looked slightly thrown off balance by this.

"Okay, hang on a sec..."

I rummaged in the glovebox and brought out the necessary documentation. Handed it over. Engaged in pleasant chat as I did so. Was the literal essence of easy charm and casual bonhomie throughout. In no way slurred or stumbled over words. Realised over the course of the minute or so that it took that it was Xmas. And they probably wanted to breathalyse me, not pore over my certificate of insurance.

Bugger.

I took back the various bits of paper. And as I did so I said "Oh, by the way do you want me to do a breathalyser while I'm here?"

This time the other officer replied. "Actually, yeah if you could mate that'd be great. Shouldn't take too long."

I genuinely cannot think of another time that I have ever been so perfectly sanguine in the presence of the law. But I digress.

I blew into the black box and handed it back. We carried on our earlier pleasant chit chat. 30 seconds later, his face fell.

"Oh. Erm...right. Right. You've failed it." I felt the colour drain from my face. Dumped and banned for drink driving. MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS YOU CUNT!

"Okay...will your car be okay here dyou think?"

"I...yeah, I would've thought so." I replied with more than a hint of dejection in my voice.

"Do you live nearby?"

"Yeah I..."

"Jump in; we'll give you a lift home. Leave your car, don't go near it again until tomorrow. Promise?"

There was a pause whilst I took this in. I got in the car. They took me back to the ex's house. She wasn't in (to my knowledge, she still doesn't know this happened). I waved a cheery goodbye to the two policemen (who are my personal heroes by the way), went into the house, called a taxi, and went back to the pub to recount this exact story.

They thought it was shit too.



* - I saw her recently. She's the size of a fucking house. My joyful reaction to this is another source of pride and shame in equal measure.
(Light, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 18:50, 10 replies)

Some policemen can be really understanding.I had 3 pints and drove a little "enthusiastically" (fast) home.

I was stopped by a plain clothes car and subjected to 15 minutes of ritual humiliation and verbal torture.

"Well Sir, IF you have had a drink it is better to stick to the speed limit, do you understand what I am saying to you sir??!" etc etc

A fair cop, message understood and I have never driven after a drink since. The cop could have had me fined and banned, but gave me a warning that I will never forget. Don't drink and drive people it is just stupid like I was.
( Vambo, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 20:31, closed)

what did she give you
for a Christmas present?
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 22:40, closed)

Books and dvds I believe. Which sounds a bit shit but it's my standard requirement from a present.
(Light, Fri 27 Jan 2012, 17:01, closed)

you lucky cunt

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 22:48, closed)

Damn right. Although from what I hear from others, when confronted with a policeman one should remain polite and friendly at all times in order to give them the incentive to not have to do the paperwork associated with an arrest.
(Light, Fri 27 Jan 2012, 17:03, closed)

So rather than killing or injuring yourself or others
whilst drink-driving you got let off by some coppers.
Bet the people you didn't kill weren't on their consciences.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 26 Jan 2012, 23:29, closed)

Easy tiger.
I nearly kill people every day on my drive to work and I'm always* sober.


*Usually
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 27 Jan 2012, 10:48, closed)

I'm puzzled; are you trolling or are you genuinely trying to get me to feel bad about some hypothetical victims who have never and will never exist?
(Light, Fri 27 Jan 2012, 17:01, closed)

Do you actually carry your documentation around in the car?
If so, you're the only person I've ever come across who does.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 27 Jan 2012, 12:27, closed)

Yep. Any bit of paper in my house is invariably lost in a maelstrom of detritus.
(Light, Fri 27 Jan 2012, 17:02, closed)