Crescent wank
I can still remember my first proper wank. I was about 10 years old and I'd found a photography magazine of my dads with a picture of a naked lady in it. Whilst closely studying this picture, my John Thomas started doing ‘that thing’ again, and I discovered that rubbing it felt rather nice. After a few minutes of this, it suddenly started feeling very nice indeed, so nice in fact, that I did a little wee. And so began a life long passion of rubbing my John Thomas whilst looking at naked ladies. You should try it sometime.

Fast forward 30 odd years and I’m on holiday in Cornwall with my girlfriend and her parents. We’ve rented a beach house for 2 weeks, well it’s more of a chalet really. It’s small, comfortable and pleasant enough, just like the girlfriend really. A good time is had by all, until towards the end of the first week when I come down with some hideous stomach bug, which causes me to spend 2 days sat on the toilet clutching a bucket. Not wishing to spoil the holiday for everyone else, I insist that they go out for their day trips and leave me alone in the house feeling sorry for myself.

By the morning of the third day of this, I’m starting to feel a little better. I had managed to sleep though the night without needing to rush off to the bathroom, and Id even managed a little breakfast. However, I still felt as weak as a gay kitten, so I opted to go back to bed while the others went out for the day again.

A few hours later, I woke up again, and this time I was feeling much better. I now had 5 or 6 hours to kill on my own before the family got back. It was a beautiful day, with a good strong breeze, so an afternoon of kite flying on the beach seemed like an ideal way to spend the day. But first, I think I’ll knock one out.

I tried a memory wank, but just couldn’t concentrate. Going to need some visual stimulation. There’s no internet access in the chalet, so I’m going to need to improvise. I could go down to the beach, which is bound to be thronging with bikini clad girlies, and maybe even some topless ones, but public masturbation tends to be frowned upon, so I rule that idea out. I briefly consider buying a magazine from the newsagents, but quickly rule that option out too, as I would need to hide it somewhere in the chalet, where it could be found by my girlfriend, or, worse still, her mother. There’s an internet cafe in town......oh yeah.......the public masturbation thing. Best not.

And then I spot it. On the breakfast table is a copy of The Sun, courtesy of the girlfriend’s father. I open it up to page 3, and Katy from Wolverhampton stands there smiling at me. I haven’t bashed one off to a page 3 girl since my early teens, but it could work. I go to the recycling box and pull out the papers from earlier in the week, and pretty soon a grand total of 6 page 3 stunners are accompanying me into the bedroom.

I kneel on the floor, and the girls arrange themselves into a crescent around me. Each girl takes their turn and after a truly herculean effort of fwappage, I finally manage to crash my yoghurt truck over Zoe from Bristol’s ample assets. She looks pleased.

Satisfied, the girls return from whence they came, and I bugger off to the beach.

So there you have it. In an age where muff diving, cum swapping, dildoing lesbians and anal creampies are but a few clicks away, I can still remember how to rub one off to a tabloid newspaper picture of a girl with her tits out.
(Lionel Tiger, Sat 2 Jul 2011, 14:54, 10 replies)

hahaha beautifully written
Marvellous.
( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Sat 2 Jul 2011, 14:57, closed)

Fuck me, a story.
Click!
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Sat 2 Jul 2011, 15:09, closed)

nicely written
did you ever consider the woman on the Special k cereal packet? the guy from the box of quaker oats looks slighly girly too depending how horny you are
( Clay hopes this bit is long enough to promote my websi, Sat 2 Jul 2011, 15:27, closed)

I think Id have slotted one to the kellogs cockerall!
(Lionel Tiger, Sat 2 Jul 2011, 16:08, closed)

Hahaha, brilliant
*click*
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Sat 2 Jul 2011, 15:48, closed)

Brilliant!
And not a cheat code in sight..

katy from Wolverhampton, we salute you haha! - and you get a double click for 'crescent wank'

Page 3 models, keeping oil-rig workers, serial killers, and holidaying beachgoers happy for generations.
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Sat 2 Jul 2011, 17:16, closed)

Closed-eye wanks only work
if you have built up a suitable wank-bank.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sat 2 Jul 2011, 18:24, closed)

Crash your yoghurt truck?
Proper drink-squirting-from-nostrils lols
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sat 2 Jul 2011, 19:05, closed)

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 2 Jul 2011, 20:09, closed)

You should put this
in Top Tips.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 3 Jul 2011, 4:28, closed)

Thank you sir
You are one of few shining knights this week.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sun 3 Jul 2011, 10:52, closed)