ok are you sitting comfortably?
Once upon a time there was a strange land filled with strange people. The land was called B3topia and was ruled by a beautiful Queen called Darth Foxtrot, although he gained the position only by slaying a ginger haired dragon who had been terrorising nearby lands with it's terrible wink.

One night a small group of B3tonians were sat round a fire eating nommy nommy marshmallows when a terrible noise rolled across the land followed by a stench so vile it made the helpless B3tonians vomit all over the nommy nommy marshmallws. This is a disgrace said a sexy woman by the name of Crunchenstien, I wished to nom more marshmallows but now they are inedible.

OH LAWKS piped up another, a busty young lass by the name of Lampers "I've got vomit all over me cape and Montys Laundrette is now closed for the weekend as he travels to distand lands in his search for ye olde large drugges. "Here" said another buxom wench by the name Amberl, let me get you out of that dirty cloak *scene deleted*

Soon they heard a yapping sound and were greeted by Lord Jeff of Dogging and his army of poodles. "Ahoy young wentches" he called out "my trusty pooches are searching for the cause of the smell! Would you like to join me in my quest?"

To continue this adventure press 1
To return to normality mash the keyboard with your face
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 23:51, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

This made me laugh again :(
*presses 1*

Edit: can we round-robin this?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 23:53, Reply)

totally requesting the deleted scene here

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:10, Reply)

1
although I'm not sure how Crunchenstein could be a man
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 23:54, Reply)

shit I got you confused with someone else *ninjas*

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 23:55, Reply)

HAHAHAHA

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:03, Reply)

I feel bad :(

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:12, Reply)

Oh my god 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 23:54, Reply)

Presses 1 several times.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 23:56, Reply)

mhjnghuio0ytr5dfgvbhyuiytrwaeytx]i87ygfxchuiohu8y7tr5dfgth*
*my face did this
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:00, Reply)

The ladies gazed upon Jeffs golden mullet and his cheeky smile
and agreed to aid him in his quest and find out once what had terrorised the land.

They walked along the twisty streets of B3topia until they started to hear a loud bassline cutting through the thick night air. "Why that sounds like a band is playing in The Badgers Cavern" said Amberl "Shall we wet our whistles and see what shenanigans are occurring?" The group agreed, especially as Jeff was very old at 31 or 32 and needed to stop for regular toilet breaks.

The door to the tavern was surrounded in smoke as several of the regulars lounged against the wall, oblivious to the foul stench that had started our intrepid travellers quest. "Greetings oh fair maidens" said a limp wristed chap called Crow "can I take this moment to say you are all looking fabulous!" Please join me inside where I shall purchase you all drinks!"

Entering the tavern the source of the noise became apparent as The Smuggettes were playing their latest smash single I Like My Croissant With Jam, their bearded front man only having to pause occasionally to untangle his beard from his guitar. Heading over to the bar they met with Badger, the feisty landlady and most knowledgeable in all of B3topia. "Oh Badger" Lampers cried "We are on a quest to find the source of the terrible smell that has ruined our nomming of marshmallows can you help?" Badger looked sad at the loss of the nommy marshmallows but sadly could not think of anything that powerful enough to engulf the entire land "However" she added "why don't I treat you all to a meal so you won't be hungry on your way" pointing to the specials board they read

chese and onion keysh with asperagus and new potateoes
beef stoo with potatos doophinoise
spicy bolagnase with jellypenoes

"Ah" said Badger "That's the new chef Gonzo, he's a fabulous chef but I really shouldn't have let him write the menu"

After filling their faces with delicious food, badger advised they travelled to The Cocktail Lust bar to see if the renowed traveller Noel was there as he may have an idea.

There are two routes there, said badger

Press 1 to travel along the main road
Press 2 to travel through the mysterious wood
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:12, Reply)

2
It's been a while since I saw any mysterious "wood"
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:13, Reply)

Also, the Gonzo line is one of the best things EVER. Full stop.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:14, Reply)

Agreed.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:26, Reply)

2 (I can have a piss against a tree if I need a stop!)
(I'm laughing like a drain reading this)
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:14, Reply)

You're a classy man.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:28, Reply)

Better that than the main road surely?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:31, Reply)

I recounted the events of one of my favourite nights to someone recently
and the thing they were most bothered about is that it involves pissing in an alley.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:33, Reply)

If you've gotta go, you've gotta go.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:46, Reply)

This is brilliant
pure brilliance. Number 2 please
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:16, Reply)

The group agreed that the wood was a much shorter route
and set off along the path deep into the trees.

The bright moonlight kept their way well lit, and they noticed a strange shiny object lying on the leaves. Bending over (a position she was well used to) Lampers picked up the object. "It's a paperclip" she exclaimed, "how odd!" Amberl, Jeff and Crunchy soon noticed there were more leading down the path. Giving the scent to his trusty Poodles they followed the trail to a small cottage built out of stationery supplies. "I think I've heard of this place" Crunchy said nervously "I think it's the lair of the Chomp, I don't think we should stay here and make haste to The Cocktail Lust Bar"

Suddenly the forest fell dark and it felt to our travellers that the trees were moving in and spinning around them trapping them, forcing them to run into the little cottage and slamming the door shut.

"Ah, welcome" said a silky voice "can I interest you in some water from the cooler?" The group peered at the strange little man sat on a throne of staplers with a crown of pencils (standard issue HB with rubbers on the end) "What is this place?" asked Amberl nervously. The Chomp laughed, a cold cruel sound "Why it's your new home!"

Suddenly two figures dressed in long robes burst through the door "Stop!" one of them cried "I have just gained a +1 rapist sword and my friend here has +2 rohypol immunity"
"The fabeled LARPers!" Jeff cried, they once saved one of my poodles!

"And now we are here to save you" said the taller, lowering his hood to reveal a rather fetching mohawk. "We just need to get the 45 sided dice out Slaying Related Incident, do you have the game cards on you?" Incident patted her pockets "I think I have them somewhere" she turned them out revealing several dice, a get out of jail free card, a small plastic mouse and a domino, "in here somewhere she muttered"

"We don't have time for this" cried Lampers and turned punching The Chomp square in the jaw. "But we are on a quest to find out what terrible smell is blighting all of B3topia, will you join us?"

To nominate a B3tan to feature in the next instalment press one and then say the name of the b3tan clearly
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:34, Reply)

1 Blousie and Berk

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:37, Reply)

1
WOOKIEE
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:39, Reply)

I hurt from laughing :(
I nominate Monty to join the quest
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:39, Reply)

1 Edmund and Bert

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:41, Reply)

they will have to feature later they're barred from the cocktail place

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:42, Reply)

Okay Cavern Master.
Understood.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:44, Reply)

The bright neon sign of The Cocktail Lust Lounge (yeah I'm changing the name)
was clearly visible as the group came to the end of the forest.

Oh thank goodness! Exclaimed Jeff, my bladder is near bursting point! Running into the Lounge they were greeted by the sensual tones of Clendrix singing on stage and a packed audience listening.

Lusty smiled at the tired group "Hello Sexy people!" she cried "and welcome to my Cocktail lounge, drinks are on the house and you look like you need one" Sitting at the bar was Monty, returned from his trip and arguing loudly with an empty bottle that the problem with modern society was the fact everyone was a cunt.

"Oh don't mind him" Blousie smiled, "He's on large drugges"
"LOOK OUT" cried Jeff "You appear to be on fire! and my tank is empty dammit" grabbing a pitched of water off the nearest table he threw it over blousie, her tight white shirt soon becoming see through "oh Jeff! My hero!" she cooed "I apologise for getting you all wet there" he mumbled. "that's ok I have a change of clothes out back, why don't you join me"

Back at the bar the group were blissfully unaware of the events unfolding behind them as Berk the scientist and Wooks the alcoholic had been catching up with the events that had led them to the bar "this is most interesting" said Berk scribbling notes in her lab diary "a smell that covered the entire land and appears to be mildly toxic"

Indeed said Amberl, "we are currently looking for the great traveller Noel in hope he will have seen something to help us"
"You haven't heard?" said Wooks sadly "he was recently given a widescreen TV and hasn't moved from his sofa in three weeks. He has more chins than Lab nowadays"

The group fell silent and drank to the loss of one of the tripod members. "We must keep moving" said Crunchy finally "it's what... it's what he would have wanted"

Berk suddenly started frantically calculating, "I think it may originate from one of two places she said"

To go to the Castle press 1
To go to the Cock Shaped Mansion of the B3topia Mayor press 2
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:03, Reply)

Are you an idiot 2
also the Monty thing is a little too close to home. He spent half an hour ranting about smackheads and then tried to tap my veins.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:05, Reply)

I'm sorry for making you relive the fact you had to spend half an hour with Monty
I also apologise for my shocking use of speech marks
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:09, Reply)

Being locked in a kitchen with Lusty more than made up for things.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:10, Reply)

I'm sad I missed the door kicking in incident
I as having fun on night buses though!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:11, Reply)

It was hilarious
I'm sure we can practice in Oxford
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:13, Reply)

I got out and was sad I didn't say goodbye

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:20, Reply)

Haha I'm sure it did
you poor thing, surrounded by drunks
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:12, Reply)

Damn my greed :(

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:19, Reply)

2 please Cavern Master.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:08, Reply)

2 please of course

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:11, Reply)

oh good
I was in no way at all hoping you all picked that option
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:12, Reply)

Oh. In that case....
*Goes to edit*

I'm pulling your leg.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:19, Reply)

"I think however that the most likely option is the great Cock Shaped Mansion of the B3topia Mayor"
The group agreed that as this was just round the corner this was probably the best option and bidding farewell to Lusty they once again set off.

A deep rumbling shook the land and again the nauseous smell washed over them. "Monty is going to have a lot of custom tomorrow" said Wooks removing a chunk from his pocket

As they rounded the corner the majestic magenta building rose up out of the land, it's top glistening in the rising sun. The path to the mansion was lined with great daleks, which towered over the group, Lampers noticed one of Jeff's poodles reliving itself on one but decided not to mention it.

Knocking at the door, it slowly opened to reveal a long corridor with rooms leading off on both sides and at the end of the corridor was a spiral staircase which disappeared up into the heights of the building.

"Hello?" called Lab, his chins quivering with excitement and fear as he caught a whiff of another smell, a tasty rich inviting smell.

"Come on up!" said a voice that drifted down from one of the upper floors. The group ascended the staircase, looking at the pictures that hung on the wall showing some of the most memorable moments in B3topian history.

Al winning the pie eating contest, BK buying non alcoholic beer, Light in Chains with a cock on his neck, Bert being arrested, the fabled Honda Civic, hundreds of B3toians and their model girlfriends and Edmund proudly standing next to his fighter jet at the North Pole.

"So much history" mused Amberl "it's really quite a fantastic place to be"
"And you haven't even seen the Nork Gallery yet" laughed the Mayor, his splendid velvet coat billowing out behind him as he came to meet his guests. "What brings you to my humble abode?"

They group relayed the tale of ruined marshmallows, rapey monsters and fat b3tans, and how their search for the cause of the terrible smell had led them there.

"ah" said the Mayor embarrassed. "That'll be the wife. I knew we shouldn't have had Mexican last night"

THE END
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:32, Reply)

FANTASTIC.
Your finest hour.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:34, Reply)

I love this
especially the pictures. I also love how your sig tallies with the end
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:37, Reply)

hah I just noticed that
Thanks :) it was a surprising amount of fun and a big round of applause to my fine b3tan muses
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:38, Reply)

I hope you'll be avoiding work tomorrow and thinking about how you can exend the story.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:40, Reply)

haha
I shall be sleeping at work I think
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:41, Reply)

You got all the best in

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:40, Reply)

Have you see WR yet?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:49, Reply)

I have
The new pastoral care woman is a cow. What is wrong with her?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:50, Reply)

Ambition is my guess.
Also, I can see the Spanish teacher getting it on what what's-his-name the pupil.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:56, Reply)

Yeah
but surely they've already played the pupil/teacher scenario this season.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 2:08, Reply)

Maybe it'll be him not wanting to know
And her wanting to get it on?

We'll find out over the next few weeks! :))
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 2:14, Reply)

Sadly yes I am looking forward to it haha

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 2:25, Reply)

-riotous applause-
I saw the end coming, must admit, but there's no finer tribute to the woman.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:49, Reply)

Obvious ending is obvious
In all fairness I didn't expect it to turn into five instalments but I'm glad you all enjoyed :)
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:51, Reply)

I'm still laughing.
EDIT: and I've 'liked' every bit of it.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:57, Reply)