bearing my soul
so 90's I know, but if ever there was a community I thought could sympathise with me, it's b3ta.

Do you ever come home drunk and see the leaves on trees and think they look so sharp in detail, so sharp, and you've never noticed them before, not like that?

Everything seems sharper, all physical things, all metaphysical things.

Life. Why are we here? Doing the fucking same shit, no adventures. I feel like I was born in the wrong century. Sure I'm bad sighted and suffer from hay fever but I wish was born in the Wild West, or the Napoleonic period. I wish I could achieve something, wish I stood for something important.

Life is so boring. Aye it's fine saying do this, go rock climbing, but it's not living is it? Do we need war to live? Look at history - we've always fought, ARE always fighting. Do we need confrontation? Do I need confrontation?

Fuck knows. All I know if I feel like I couldn't care less if I died this day, week or month far too often.

Sorry, this is the most confessional I've ever got online or in RL, wouldn't/won't even share this with my great g/f.

I'm 23, I need something to live for.

I'll delete this in the morning/afternoon/when I wake, it just feels good to type it out, get it out of my system.

Thanks.
(Lannes, Sat 26 Jul 2008, 5:15, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Lannes
Don't delete this. Leave it here - you're bound to get some facetious responses, but you might get some interesting ones too.

You're not alone in feeling like this, you really aren't.

People do say things like, 'Go rock climbing,' but that's something very individual that benefits the climber only. Perhaps the key to feeling like there's a point is to do something that benfits others too. I don't mean that in a hippy way (bloody hippies) and I'm not suggesting you go out and volunteer to build houses in Asia or anything.

But one of the key elements to the existential wrangle is the feeling of being alone (not being lonely, but being alone). Understanding that we all wrestle with this feeling, either consciously or subconsciously, might help.

Of course, now it's a new day and you're completely sober, so you're reading this thinking, 'Yeh, whatever.' But I just felt I ought to respond to such a message!
( thealternativefact, Sat 26 Jul 2008, 9:08, Reply)

^
what she said.

I'm still working on it. I think being interested in our fellow beings is what it is.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Sat 26 Jul 2008, 10:09, Reply)

I've had nights
Where I'm driving home, or walking (if I've been drinking) where I notice the stars, or animals going about their nightly business, and think deeply such things.

As far as I am concerned, there is no "big answer", we are a species of animal who has conquered the planet due to taking the opportunities given to us, such as the omnivorous nature of our diet (basically our species will eat anything, its society that dictates otherwise) and the migration across land masses.

You're in the best age as far as I'm concerned, we are at the peak of civilisation, make the most of it. In the Napoleonic era, you and me would be sent off to foreign lands as cannon fodder, or made to work in mines, stuffy mills, or end up in prison for not paying taxes 4 times our annual wages.

We have always been competitive, mainly down to the survival instincts we all still possess, although sadly no longer need. War is just the result of an advancement of this.
It may sound sick, or wrong to some people, but we as a species need (for want of a better word) it, it is another way nature tries to keep our species in check, although this isn't going to happen, society has made sure of this.

I've been through many times where I've thought, sod this, I want out, but there has always been something I concentrate my efforts on, such as:

My job (i've had really shit ones, which haven't helped, so I've looked for others)

My cars, I have a toy I use rarely (mainly due to it's fuel consumption, but its a pet project to work on when all else fails)

My pets, I got these so I know if I don't come home one day, there will always be dependants, so spurs me away from the "end it all" thoughts.

My family, I'm lucky to have a family where I know they will always be there for me if I have a problem, I know some people don't have this, so I make the most of it.

I've realised that mundaneness (is that a word?) and boredom has spured my thoughts on, try doing something you've never done before, never had any interest in, grasp an opportunity and take it.

Always keep learning, never stop your brain from increasing it's knowledge, the more you know, the more you'll realise there is a big wide world of opportunity and options out there, regardless of what you may think.

You sound very much like me, you analyse and take too much of situations before realising that, hey, does this *really* affect me so much?

Sit down and make a list of things you'd like to fulfil, and things that upset you, it'll make you think about where you can improve your outlook on life, the universe and everything.

*Always* seek advice whenever you are not quite sure of something. There is no such thing as a stupid question.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Sat 26 Jul 2008, 10:21, Reply)

Ethel's really hit it there.
I'm not for one second suggesting you need counselling! But many existential counsellors will concur that there is no answer and that learning to live with that fact is a major step towards enjoying life for what it is.
( thealternativefact, Sat 26 Jul 2008, 10:29, Reply)

Yup! life is a struggle to find meaning and happiness for most of us.
Your not the only person to ever feel like this and what is more important is that you will not always feel like this. I suspect that you may be suffering with depression, which causes you to feel like you have lack of direction or worth. Go to the doctor and get help. I speak from experience when I say that the person you are now will not be the person you are in 10 or 20 years time.

Hope I've made sense.
( girlinthehole, Sat 26 Jul 2008, 10:43, Reply)

Ethelred's brill
and BGB is right. Your comments are very consistent with the depression. Please see someone-if you don't click with the first practitioner, find another. I am proof you won't always feel like this. It can get better.

As a nurse and a woman, I urge you to share it with your great g/f. Don't be alone in this. When you feel better, find something to stand for. Fighting for someone/thing is exhilarating.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 5:47, Reply)

@Lannes
Thankyou for sharing this with us.


"Now the Field of Battle is a land of standing corpses; Those determined to die will live; Those who hope to escape with their lives will die."
-- Wu Chi's commentary to Sun Tzu's art of war

Life is what you make if it. It is up to you to grab the bull by the horns and take life in the direction you want it to go, rather than just giving in and accepting you'll be stuck in this state forever. Finding solutions to your problem of lack of excitement in your era is one of the many modern day 'era-excitements'. See my "I quit" post for details.

This is the Information Age. We have websites such as Wikipedia, XKCD and of course b3ta. The real world may have been tamed to the point of boredom (although if you go travelling, you may realise that this isn't quite yet the case), but out there in the virtual world, we're constantly exploring new paradigms, making it a virtual Wild-West.

QOTW is such a paradigm. Instead of presenting yourself at your best, you present yourself at your worst. You get to share your darkest and most embarrassing secrets with others. It's still pretty much uncharted territory, but one development is that our sense of solidarity is bringing us together. This pioneering social paradigm can make QOTW the metaphorical Wild-West of open-mindedness.

As for me, one thing I like to do in my spare time is Internet counselling - for me, this is an adventure into not only other people's minds, but my own mind too. That is, I offer advice, and hugs where needed, and just generally helping make others feel good about themselves. I've been doing this on another forum for some time now and have only recently started doing this on QOTW too.

Re your thought on deleting it: DON'T. You'll find that we've been helpful in this thread. There are people out there who not only care, but are willing to offer advice. Not deleting your post will be a permanent testament to this.

And finally, remember, your perception of the world is shaped by your thoughts. If you believe this, you will start thinking more positively and adopt a more positive attitude to life.

And yes, you've found a community that can sympathise (and in some cases, also empathise) with you.

Good luck.


@Ethelred: good reply. Learning something new goes far beyond learning and applying what you learned - it can open up whole new ways of thinking and it keeps your brain oiled.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 15:40, Reply)

thank you
for your replies, it was nice to read them. Initially I was embarrassed when I woke up and haven't been back until tonight.

I am currently been treated for depression yes (with fluoxetine), have chronic back pain for 6 years which affects my daily life to a large extent is the main reason, though I was diagnosed when younger but I thought it was just hormones. Runs in the family too, thankfully not the immediate family.

I need a project, my mind is not active enough and it causes me to overthink things, which doesn't help my depression. But I've no idea what kind of thing to do - I best found an blank slate for my ideas just after I hurt my back and designed a MMORPG, huge aspects of it. My mind was busy all the time and it felt good, felt like I was good at something. Of course despite my best efforts it came to nothing as I'm not in the gaming industry. What I would give to be in such a position again, to get paid for it. Just need a big project to pour my heart and soul into, I've worked my bollocks off before for stuff I've believed in and will do it again.

Perhaps it's just no idea where I'm going with life. Will be 6 years to get History honours degree by the time I'm finished (another two years due to part time), and while it's fine swimming along I wonder if I just need to break free and get a proper job, 40hr a week job. I've done it once and really enjoyed it, but had to go back to uni because it wasn't paying enough.

I need structure.

I need a change.

Thanks for being somewhere I can just type this out, I'm very aware of how I come across and am almost always good natured and very rarely get this personal/talk about myself. It's nice to have somewhere to vent my spleen and see how it reads.

Again, thanks for the replies, a couple in particular were great, not very good expressing myself but just, thanks.
(Lannes, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 3:58, Reply)