My terrible evening.
Tonight I went to the cinema with a couple of my friends.
All good and well, you might think. You'd be very wrong.

In the car on the way back, I had the window open, and we went through a puddle, splashing filthy, stinking road-water into my mouth.
The problem is that this was far from the worst thing that happened to me tonight.
That's right, I saw Hellboy II at the cinema.

Whilst this heap of shite is slightly preferable to being forcibly violated in the mouth by a dog, it's still worse than getting dirty mud-water in your mouth.

In short, I give this film 2/10.

My spoiler free-ish rant follows:

Point 1: Guillermo del Toro, I understand that Pan's Labyrinth was a big film for you. You don't need to shoe-horn all of the reject monster-ideas from it into another, unrelated film.

Point 2: Giving away how to kill the main bad-guy in the first ten minutes of the the film is fuckin' stupid. What's more stupid is that none of the characters realised this. Fuckin' 'tards.

Point 3: Young Hellboy... Seriously, kill it with hammers.

Point 4: Elves? Goblins? Trolls? Come on... Just because Lord Of The Rings did well, doesn't mean you need to include them in this.

Point 5: Dialogue... Just because George Lucas has made a lot of money, doesn't mean that he's good at writing dialogue. So don't copy him. Ever.

So, 2/10. One point for half-decent CG. One point for Hellboy being cool-ish.

Minus two points for the singing. Yes, seriously. Singing.

So, if I was offered a chance to see this film again, I'd cram as much cooked fish as I could into my mouth.
The fact that I'm powerfully allergic to it would mean that I'd spend the next hour and a half puking myself inside-out, instead of watching this pile of monkey-wank again.
( Cawl, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 0:50, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So
You wouldn't recommend it then.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 0:58, Reply)

No
I wouldn't.
If I'd have paid to see it, I'd have left early and demanded my money back.
( Cawl, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 0:59, Reply)

So, let me get this straight...
...you didn't enjoy it then?
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 4:20, Reply)

Oh bugger!
I was really looking forward to this film : (
( girlinthehole, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 9:06, Reply)

Beautiful review...
But a huge kick in the balls for this Hellboy fan.

I suspect that the Elves, Goblins and Trolls have a lot to do with the fact that Guillermo del Toro is going to be directing the 'Hobbit' films. Getting a bit o' practice in, like. He'll be in New Zealand, as we speak, writing the script with Peter Jackson.

*hopes that turns out ok*
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 10:09, Reply)

But...but...but...
But it was sooo pretty.

I loved it.

Sure, the main bad guy looks just like Elric from Michael Moorcock's Eternal Champion books, his weakness is revealed immediately, the plot is ropy and the soundtrack sucks. I don't care. All the creatures are beautifully done, there are things made of cogs and I loved every minute.

I know who I want making films from China Mieville's novels.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 10:36, Reply)

I saw it last night too, and couldn't disagree more!
Point 1: the monsters, as ever, were pieces of beautiful design from one of the most vivid imaginations in the film industry. I mean, take a look at de Toro's diaries (some are online). He sketches them all himself. They're incredible. Horrifyingly beautiful in some cases.

Point 2: well, yes, I could see exactly how it was going to end. Mr BobFossil said it never occured to him though, so perhaps thee and I are just especially clever to have spotted it.

Point 3: yes, it's a child. Yes, it's slightly irritating. However, no more so than every other child committed to screen.

Point 4: See point 1. Loved them.

Point 5: Some parts were slightly wobbly, I agree. Mostly the Princess. But then, some parts were pure brilliance. Hellboy and Abe Sapien both got a hell of a lot more character development than in the first film.

So: 9/10. And I loved the singing.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 10:41, Reply)

hmm, still gonna watch it
oh, and Zatoichi, possibly my favourite samurai film ever has a tap dancing sequence in it that is sheer genius so point 5 might be moot depending on tastes.
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 11:19, Reply)

Oh noes!
Despite finding the first one to be questionably entertaining, I was really looking forward to the second one.

(albeit mostly because Rammstein were on the soundtrack of the trailer....)
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 16:56, Reply)