OK
Here is the first (very) rough draft of the first chapter of the book I've had in my head for ages.

Enjoy!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 15:59, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Chapter One
In the beginning, there came the word.

And the word was ‘Bugger!’

After some muffled swearing and several thuds, there came the sentence:

‘Let there be light.’

And yea there was light, pouring out from an anglepoise lamp, washing over a large desk covered with paper, pencils and a ruler. An old man sits at the desk, dressed in a shabby dressing gown, his long grey hair flowing behind him, his beard, similarly long and grey, rising up against the paunch of his belly.

Stop.

Let’s take a look at this chap before we go any further. Forget the hair and the beard and the shabby dressing gown – look at his eyes. The iris is a brilliant, crystal blue that seems to sparkle with golden light. The pupil is deep and black, look at it for too long and you can feel yourself being dragged in; weighed, measured and found wanting...

This, for all of his flaws, is God.

And he’s designing the Universe.

~~

So far, it had not been going well. 7 days is a tight timeline, even when it is self imposed, and it’d taken a couple of days just for Him to work out the mechanics of tectonic plate movement. Sure, the majority of space hadn’t been much of a problem being as it was, well, space, but the life-supporting planets were a whole different kettle of... whatever kind of marine animal you put in to a kettle. But he’d get to that later.

So, the last few hours had been dedicated to creating the animals. There were the Slow Moving Grey Ones With Big Noses, the Small Furry Ones, the Wet Ones, the Ones With Long Necks (even at this early stage, He realised that he’d have to invent Marketing to come up with appropriate names, this was not his strong suit), and Rover, the Intergalactic Spaniel, who lay curled up at His feet.

He sat down again at his desk, breathing out heavily as He did so. In the time he was looking at the paper, galaxies burst in to life, flickered briefly, and died away again. He picked up a pencil and, with a flourish, began scribbling emphatically upon the paper before him.

Seconds pass. A cloud comes across His face and he screws up the paper and throws it towards the bin. He misses. No matter, because he is already scribbling again, his tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth in concentration. No sooner has he started, though, than another ball of paper is hurled with poor accuracy at the bin. This sad pattern continues until, with bad grace, he grabs a mug (emblazoned with I Love and nothing else, presumably as he had not created anything for Him to love, yet), and stamps off in to the darkness.

He returns a few minutes later, a steaming coffee in hand and a look of determination on His face. He sits quickly and draws, discards, draws and discards. Hours pass. With a final look of resignation, he drinks the remainder of his coffee, and a look of disgust crams itself in to His features. Cold!
He slams the mug down. Lifting it up, He stops. An ugly coffee stain from the bottom of the mug has created a perfect circle on the paper. His hands reach for the edges, and He’s just about to screw it up when...

He sits down. He takes a pencil in his hand, and draws seven further shapes on the paper. He labels each one, and titles the sheet with heavy underlines. Then, he picks up the mug and a pantbrush, and carefully paints something on it. He rises, leaves the room, and seconds later we can hear the strains of bad singing over the sound of a roaring shower.

We can move, oh so slowly, to the desk. The sheet of paper has eight circles on it, labelled Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune. It is titled: The Galaxy.

And that, dear friends, is where our story begins.

Oh, the mug. The mug is now emblazoned with the words I Love Uranus, which not only proves that God is a man, but that He is also directly responsible for Clacton.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 15:59, Reply)

*goes off in a strop*
I'm not staying here with all this talent.

I'm off to sulk : (
( girlinthehole, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 16:03, Reply)

heheheh.
Very Pratchett. I like.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 21 Aug 2008, 16:04, Reply)

^Agreed Pratchett-esq
Which of course is fabulous :) Love the style of writing - flows fantastically. Very easy to read in the sense nothing is confusing and your narrative is smooth and structured.

is it supposed to say yea there was light?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 16:08, Reply)

DiT
Excellent. I've never read Pratchett, but it's somewhat reminiscent of Hitchhikers Guide.

It's written with affectionate wit and there's a well deserved comparison of Clacton-On-Sea to an anus. What's not to like?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 21 Aug 2008, 16:09, Reply)

It has long been my opinion
that Douglas Adams was essentially ripping off Pratchett, only not doing it as well.

The thing about Pratchett is that you have to be fairly familiar with England and English culture to fully appreciate him- so to the average American, he's a bit confusing. But to those of us who've learned something of Old Blighty, he's hilarious.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 21 Aug 2008, 16:17, Reply)

Agree with Pratchett comments
But I was expecting him to be designing a knob and bollocks for some reason!!

[has the question changed yet?]
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 16:18, Reply)

really good
look forward to reading more!

anyone read a book called a history of the world in 10 and half chapters (or something)

can't remember much of it, but the first story is told from the point of view of a stowaway on (one of) Noah's Ark(s).

great story
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 16:18, Reply)

great opening!
*clicks* (not really, but if I could, I would).
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 16:23, Reply)

Very impressive
by god, there's some talented people on this board.

Which is why I don't compete .... and spare myself the red face.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 21 Aug 2008, 16:41, Reply)

Very good DiT
*stares at screen until more story appears*




It's preferable the Last Post nonsense that's risen its ugly head again.


EDIT: Just re-read that... I mean staring at the screen waiting for more is preferable to the last post nonsense.

I wouldn't offend you by comparing your story to it, or was that much obvious?

Am I just waffling now?

*decides to be quiet and hope no one noticed*
( Moey, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 17:00, Reply)

^High praise indeed! ;)
Thanks!

"LALA LOOK AT ME TRYING TO GET THE LAST POST WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE VALIDATE MY SAD VACUOUS POINTLESS EXISTENCE"

Shower of bastards.

EDIT: And thank you, everyone, for the nice words! Part two will follow... Soon!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 17:08, Reply)

*taps foot*
so where's part two Mr DiT?

Loving what I'm reading so far
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 23:19, Reply)

Very funny
I love the flow of this.
And yes; in the vein of Pratchett, but nothing wrong with influences.
Very, very well written. Quirky, irreverent.
I like this very much.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 23:35, Reply)

@TRL
Adams ripping off Pratchett? Not unless you are trapped in a Pan-Galactic Temporal Anomaly...

(Adams had the first 4 Hitchhiker books out by 1984, El Tel didn't start to be successful until 1987ish)

As for DiT, me like it.

(Have you been reading any Tom Holt, BTW?)
(osok Rebel without a clue, Sat 23 Aug 2008, 10:01, Reply)