Is this normal?
Ok, so I've just got a message from my brother back home that one of our mutual friends was found under a train today.

My initial reaction to this news was disbelief since the lad in question always seemed to be rather resilient.

I ring my brother and it turns out that the lad split up with his fiancée a few days ago, went off to visit his Mum and then goes missing.

So I now believe the news, mainly because I could tell that my brother was getting pretty emotional (normally totally dispassionate) on the phone and that he's been called by a few people with the same news.

The thing is that I just don't seem to be feeling anything that I think I should feel. I've recently emigrated and don't really have anyone here to talk to about it, well no one who knew him anyway.

For reference, the guy was a good lad at heart but a bit socially awkward and competitive at times and some people found him hard to get on with after a while, me included. However, once I'd left to do my Ph.D. I'd have a good time with him during my infrequent visits back home.

I just don't know - anyone else received similar news and felt like it's just washing over you?
(Shippy likes linebreaks and doesn't care what you think, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 14:50, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Don't worry.
It's just shock.

After a while you might feel more emotional about it.

Sorry to hear about that though : (
( girlinthehole, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 14:58, Reply)

potential cliche but it holds true for me

I find my emotions can be delayed by days quite a lot of the time noticeably so over big things. So, erm, yes you could well be normal.
( djtrialprice, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 14:58, Reply)

Cheers
I remember feeling a bit like this when one of the lads in my year died but then I didn't really know him at all.

Cheers for the advice/wisdom.
(Shippy likes linebreaks and doesn't care what you think, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 14:59, Reply)

Hope this helps
One thing I've learned in situations like this is don't try to force or second-guess your feelings. The mind is a strange beast, and you'll likely confuse yourself further if you dwell too much on your reaction.
Make a note in your diary/Outlook/phone to revisit the subject in a couple of weeks. Try and spend some quiet time thinking about it then, and you might find things have a little more clarity after time.

Don't force it though :)

Good luck.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 15:27, Reply)

If you weren't that close to him
Chances are you won't feel anything beyond "oh, that's a bit shit." Perfectly normal. If you were close, it's probably just shock and you'll feel worse when it properly hits you. Again perfectly normal. Even if you were close and you never feel bad, that's not abnormal either. Some people aren't as badly affected by death as others. Just the way it is.
( Kroney, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 15:51, Reply)

it's hard dealing with death
especially when it's someone of a similar age I would say

a very good friend of mine died through misadventure about 10 years ago, and like you I kind of thought of it with disbelief to begin with. not the sort of thing to take in easily.

they played a song at his funeral that had particular significance for he and I and I bawled my eyes out.

don't worry if you never have more of a reaction to it than you are now though. there's not a rule book on how you should react.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 15:58, Reply)

^ all of this
and a *hug*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 16:27, Reply)

Sounds all quite normal
When I was doing my A levels a lad I knew from my Saturday job hanged himself because he'd failed his exams again. I was shocked for a short while but no more. Then a couple of weeks later I broke down in tears during an English Lit class - the thing that triggered it off was reading a death scene in a book.

As everyone has already said, it'll come or it won't - don't beat yourself up about it.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 16:49, Reply)

Thanks for all the replies
They're all very helpful.

As for not knowing him too well, I guess I knew him pretty well and you know, he was a mate. Just one who had the capacity rub people up the wrong way easily - he mellowed out massively in the last few years too.

I've been talking to some of my old uni mates and that's been pretty useful.

I'm going to take your advice and have a think about this later.

In the meantime I'm going to get shitfaced and see where that takes me.

I would offer you cake, but I seem to have run out.

P
(Shippy likes linebreaks and doesn't care what you think, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 21:07, Reply)

Ok,
So thanks for all the responses - they're really great.

I've gone and done the "get massively drunk" thing and everything sees well. (I didn't even end up taking to the police - yay.)

What's really wierd (and totally expected) is all the chats I'm now having with people from ages ago. It's nice that we're all talking again. One positive to come out of a shitty situation.

Again, thanks a lot. You're all lovely.

P
(Shippy likes linebreaks and doesn't care what you think, Sun 31 Aug 2008, 3:36, Reply)