Book titles
I wish Enid Blyton had written Five Go Mad With A Chainsaw.

Or else Hemmingway had done his own cookery book - Pass the Whiskey and Slap the Wife - a Simple Guide to Pasta Cooking for Single Men

What books do you think should have been written?


Oh dear god, I'm bored.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 18:09, 39 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Fly Fishing
By Huggy Bear?

Stephen King's Everything is good, everybody's happy and nothing bad ever happens, not even shit-your-pants-scary clowns?

Robert Ludlum's The Bourne Children's Party?

How about Quite a good book that's actually worth reading, and not a pile of pretentious shite by J.D. Salinger?

Quantum Physics - How to make your Cat go 'Boing!' By Jade Goody

nmjxdfm nnzshs asjk By that bird with the stumps for arms and legs.

I'll stop now.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 18:16, Reply)

not quite on the same theme
But I'm waiting for the audio version of The House at Pooh Corner, with Clement Freud as the voice of Eeyore.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 18:18, Reply)

How about
This Story Has A Beginning, A Middle and An End and Is Not a Self-Indulgent Pile of Pseudo-Stream-of-Consciousness Wank and Things Actually Happen In It by Virginia Woolf?

I Like Grown-Up Ladies by Vladimir Nabokov

Rabbit Pie by John Updike

Mr ADHD by Roger Hargreaves

Don't Buy This, It's Shite by Jordan

The Rude Bits are on Pages 14, 38, 45-53 and 108 by Jilly Cooper

He Fancies Her, She Thinks He's a Twat, He Changes A Bit, She Sees His House, They Fall in Love and Marry but His In-Laws Are Just Ghastly by Jane Austen
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 18:21, Reply)

Hmmmmm...
"How to Win Allies and Influence Economies" by George W. Bush.

It would only require one sheet of paper.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 30 Oct 2008, 18:23, Reply)

Lovely!
How about It was all simple really - a silly mix up, kids, Jewish thieves and a tart by Charles Dickens.

Or It happened in my head by Arthur C Clarke
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 18:34, Reply)

Arthur Conan Doyle's
It was the Butler what done it, you simpleton

How to cope with arthritic hands, by Ira Wanchor.

Actual Trainspotting - Irvine Welsh

You can't stop me now - Pope Benedict
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 18:40, Reply)

Another:
Lots of Verbose Elaboration Upon Anything Without Advancing The Already Implausible and Laughably Pathetic Plot by Nathaniel Hawthorne.

Or perhaps Long Winded Blatherings by Charles Dickens?

I'm So Clever And Cute That I Can't Stand It by Stephen King.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 30 Oct 2008, 18:42, Reply)

Charlie Touches Lola (and Marvin gets extremely very in on the action too) By Lauren Child.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 18:44, Reply)

How about..
Horsefuckers by Dick Francis

Wanking over Diana by Andrew Motion

Cider with George Best by Phil Lynott

Survival in Ikea on a Saturday by Ray Mears

How to cook up heroin by Delia Smith
(lost, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 18:45, Reply)

Hmmmm...
When We Were Very Young And Still Almost Pretty by Queen Elizabeth.

I'm The Funniest Person Here And You're All Fat by Jam Rag Geordie.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 30 Oct 2008, 18:49, Reply)

How about
A Straightforward Linear Plot Packed with Actual Incident by James Joyce.

Actually, Communism Works For Me by George Orwell.

My Mate Chiam by Adolf Hitler

My Fabulous Teenhood by Syliva Plath

Actually, People are Quite Nice by Michel Houllebecq.

Pooh Corner Gets Bulldozed for a Bypass by AA Milne.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 18:50, Reply)

And there definitely should be
Why Sex Is Unimportant And You Should All Be Shot And Go To Hell by Ann Widdicombe.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 30 Oct 2008, 18:52, Reply)

The Ray Mears one
had me in bloody stitches :)
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 18:53, Reply)

Or..
I know my name is mildly amusing by Neil Gaiman

Confessions of an American shit eater by Sarah Palin

My family and other anal conquests by Gerald Durrel

The stoned moony by Wilkie Collins

How to play the git by Prince
(lost, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 18:54, Reply)

Yeah, I'm Ginger. So what, you wanna fight about it?
By Rob Manuel.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 18:55, Reply)

And
Singing Is For Putzes by Tony Bennett.

How To Annoy As Many People As Possible At The Same Time by Tracy Emin.

The Very Tall, Handsome, Sexy Man With The Huge Cock That Everyone Wants To Have Sex With by Prince. (Beware- the pages tend to be stuck together.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 30 Oct 2008, 19:00, Reply)

Or
It Wasn't A Moon, It Was a SpaceStation by Neil Armstrong and Darth Vader
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 19:05, Reply)

Definitely need
Mmmwwaaarrgghh Mrrruurrrrgghh Graarrgh by Peter Mayhew.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 30 Oct 2008, 19:09, Reply)

@No3l
Cheers! First time someone's said I make them laugh (in a good way..) on b3ta.

@chickenlady.. watchu got against Hemmingway? One of my literary idols.. tough and macho and all that sure but did he really hit women?
(lost, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 19:12, Reply)

Hemingway didn't hit women.
He beat them into submission with his cock. In the rain.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 30 Oct 2008, 19:14, Reply)

Keeping stick insects
by David Beckham
(lost, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 19:14, Reply)

I shouldn't still be at work at this time
but since I am, how about these...

My struggle with hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia by Will Self

A cup of tea and a nice sit down in Las Vegas by Hunter S Thompson

Or an audio book version of the Jabberwocky, read by Stephen Hawking.
( Moey, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 19:15, Reply)

The Penguin book of Ancient Persian religious texts
by Pingu.
(lost, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 19:18, Reply)

Advanced French vocabulary
By Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin
(lost, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 19:24, Reply)

Exploring the vineyards of Bordeaux - audiobook
as read by Richard E Grant.

I'll stop now.. getting peshed myself.
(lost, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 19:26, Reply)

Book titles
A Discourse On Atomic Theory Kerry Katona (see what I did there?)
My last will and testament Russell Brand
Saddam Hussein - My Part In His Downfall Tony Blair
The Lady Is Not For Burning (or Last will and testament) Margaret Thatcher

More to come later...
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 30 Oct 2008, 19:35, Reply)

Fuck Off and Let Me Eat Typewriter Ribbons - or, Why I'm Not Rated Alongside Hemmingway by Charles Bukowski


I don't have anything against Hemmingway - although I believe he was an unpleasant git apparently.

I Like Pots and Frocks: An Autobiography by Grayson Perry (actually he could use that one).

I was Kidding - God did it in Six Days by Charles Darwin - that's one of a series of books written by famous authors, another in the series is -
I was Kidding - There is a God by Richard Dawkins
and
I was Kidding - God Loves us All, Not Just White Christians by George W Bush.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 19:42, Reply)

Ahem!
How about.

Why hugging is good for you by the Marquis de Sade.

All you need to know about sex by Alan Bennett.


My travels around my kitchen by Michael Palin.
( girlinthehole, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 19:54, Reply)

Mmmmmm books ....
Five Get Blitzed on Alcopops by Enid Blyton (to continue the original theme)

Beat the little shits into submission, it's the only way by Doctor Spock

Benjamin Bunny Gets Myxomatosis by Beatrix Potter

Harry Potter and the Can of Special Brew by Jakey Rowling (Jakey being a Scottish term for an alcoholic)
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 30 Oct 2008, 20:17, Reply)

Hairy Pothead gets phenomenally stoned
by Mary Whitehouse
(lost, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 20:25, Reply)

A heartbreaking attempt at writing a staggering crap "post-ironic" title for a novel that makes you want to slap the author rather than read a word
By Dave Eggers
(lost, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 20:27, Reply)

My life posting over and over to about three people on messageboard threads while drinking red wine on my own
by SenorBurtReynolds
(lost, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 20:30, Reply)

Cooking
Fucking Ace Food for People Who Fucking Are Really Fucking Angry... Fuck by Gordon Ramsay

My Top 8000 Cakes by Vanessa Feltz & Fern Britton

A Treatise on Celibacy by Casanova

Please, Auntie, No by Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross

Household Budgeting Made Simple by Alastair Darling

The Big Fat Book of Lies by Tony Blair

How to Win a War and Drop a Dress Size in Six Years by Winston Churchill

Harry Potter and the Swiss Bank Account by J K Rowling-in-it

Cripes! A Boy's Own Book of Blunders by Boris Johnson
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 21:08, Reply)

^the Ramsay one..
loldelol
(lost, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 21:23, Reply)

A top seller.
I can haz cheezeburger by Posh Spice.
( girlinthehole, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 21:25, Reply)

More titles
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb - Kim Jong Il
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fluff - J K Rowling
Making Society Better Through Excessive Taxation Volume XVI - Gordon Brown
1000 Really Good Baby Names - Frank Zappa & Sarah Palin

And finally...

A spoken word adaption of Withnail & I narrated by Gerry Adams and Iain Paisley.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 31 Oct 2008, 0:13, Reply)

^ fucking hell PJM
..that withnail adaptation just sent my imagination all giggly, proper style.
(lost, Fri 31 Oct 2008, 0:22, Reply)

Harry Potter
and a story not monstrously ripped off from various ancient mythos
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 31 Oct 2008, 9:20, Reply)

Anne Frank's Diary II - Anecdotes from Hull
Somebody stop me! by Harold Shipman (with a nice picture of him in a zany, green, rubber mask on the cover)
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 31 Oct 2008, 11:11, Reply)