faith in mankind
Well its fair to say I have had a cunt of a day. It’s often really hard to get the simplest things done here in Dubai. As Samuel L famously demanded – example? Well, I realised I had forgotten a direct debit was due to come off my account in two days. I had moved my money around a couple of accounts and sent a good wedge back to Mrs. Spimf.

But that left me short for the impending Direct Debit. A simple matter in the UK, one that even involves options.

1. call bank have payment date deferred to a suitable date

2. arrange temporary overdraft for a piffling 200 quid

3. transfer funds from another account via phone banking or internet banking – both of which are services available here – neither of which actually work.

Ok so I tried option three - a week ago. The nice lady on the phone was Indian – she seemed to struggle with my not very thick Scottish accent. Never the less she ASSURED me it would be done in time – I checked yesterday – no record of the transaction. What you must understand is that the culture here is that you cannot say no, and you cannot admit you do not understand. So the easy and most commonplace option is to say 'yes sir'. Then endeavor to do the sum total of fuck all.

So in a slight panic – reason being you do NOT want to default on a payment here (you can if you are local because they have Insha'Allah, what this means is that they can CATEGORICALLY assure you they will do something but if they fail it is not their fault it ‘was not the will of god’. Literally it means "God willing" or "If it is God's will" effectively it means ‘hopefully’ or 'if i can be arsed'). But for expats it works this way: bounce one cheque / Direct Debit severe warning. Bounce two: jail. Simple as.

So I called my bank – and this ain't the bank of Sand and Dates were talking this is ‘The World's local bank’:

“Can I arrange a temporary overdraft?”

“Certainly sir all we need is a letter form your employer, a salary statement stamped by the company sponsor and it will be processed and approved within 1 week.”

“o…kay? Can I maybe transfer funds from another account”

“Yes sir, but you have to do this in a branch that handles cash transfers”

“o…kay? Where is the nearest”

“Oh sir it is only (40 min dive through nutter traffic on constantly changing road network to a port authority area precisely in the middle of cunt all)”

“Ok I’ll go there, can you give me directions”

“Certainly sir” – utterly wrong directions were then given

Basically I was directed to a bank in the middle of nowhere that was closed when I arrived there at 4pm. Must have been then late spimfy? – no they were directing me on the phone at 3.20pm to a branch they knew was shut at 3pm – because it was 'not their place to tell me that’

Fucking. Spiffing.

I phoned my ‘personal banking and investment advisor’ and tried very hard not to threaten to come round and feed his spleen to him over a protracted period. The reason I had been given directions to a closed branch when I had explained my precise fiscal requirements is at best a conundrum. When I did loose the rag he informed me that there was in fact a ‘fast cash deposit ATM facility’ – literally feed the notes in like an NCP car park machine and it credits the offending account instantly!.

THE CUNTING THING WAS IN AN OFFICE BEHIND THE FUCKING BASTARD BUILDING I WORK IN.

So you will forgive me if I got a bit peeved this afternoon.

So this evening I went over to my usual eatery: Sezzamo’s in the mall of the emirates. The staff there are just lovely towards me. They greet me like a long lost friend, wait on me hand and foot and bring me free cheesecake. I always chat with them and tip well, but not ostentatiously – not Tony Soprano; ‘get your wife something nice” while tucking a wedge in their shirt pocket sort of nonsense.

I sit quietly read my book try and ignore my BASTARD blackberry and tip 20%. This is made easy by the fact they give me a 20% discount anyway.

But today my faith in mankind was restored, Pradip, a lovely little fella from Nepal who only gets to go home once a year seemed very pleased to see me. He had just returned from a month at home with his family (he even emailed me while he was there). He rushed off and came back clutching a plastic carrier bag. It contained:

1. One stunning pure silk top quality pashmina for ‘Madame’
2. One really cool t shirt with a tantric print and a quote from Zep – “all is one and one is all”
3. One DVD of Nepal and the Himalayas “so my little boy could see really big mountains”

I had to call my wife and get her to distract me because I was starting to cry in the restaurant.

I’m going home in two days and I now suddenly feel festive at last.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 20:39, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

But you got free cheesecake out of it?
You cunt ,)

Merry christmas Spimf
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 20:42, Reply)

well i was fuming by the time i got back from the office
so went to the gym and ran another 10K

so by the time i got there i was ravenous so had two main course indian dishes (fucking tiny and well overpriced) i had to make a big deal out of telling them i was stuffed or no doubt the cheescake would have arrived.

i did the ring test

i passed the silk pashmina thrugh my wedding ring with ease

i know they cost buttons over there but it is the fact he thought to bring it for my wife he has met but ONCE

*sniff*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 20:52, Reply)

Insha Allah
literally means 'with God's will'.

Sweet story btw :)
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 20:59, Reply)

^ yeah i know that
i should have said - 'in effect'.

literal is "God willing" or "If it is God's will"

'hopefully' is the latin translation

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Insha%27Allah

but you get my point

its a fucking universal get out clause here

but i will edit so it does not offend our muslim brethern, scuse me
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 21:03, Reply)

No edit required :)
I'm atheist but I have an odd story about Allah.

I drove a taxi with a muslim company a few years ago. My company car broke down meaning I wasn't earning any money for me nor for my muslim boss, who was having quite a hard time of things in general.

A couple of days after it broke down, my boss called me in to work and I joined him in the car park. He was trying the car over and over, willing it to work.

He started to get wound up and called his 'priest' in Kashmir. They spoke for a few minutes and my boss passed the phone over to me.

I don't speak any Urdu but I know the standard Arabic greeting, so I said it and the priest started talking to me in a language I don't understand. I passed the phone back to my boss and he ended the call.

He turned to me and said 'He is praying for us now. Insha Allah the car will start. Insha Allah means 'with God's will'. Say it.'

Despite being a little uncomfortable discussing religion with a committed muslim, I said it.

'Insha Allah.'

He turned the key.

The fucking car started.

God fixed my car.

Apparently.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 21:16, Reply)

aaaw bless thats quite twee
you are a secret soft southern shite spimfie ;)
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 21:28, Reply)

Merry flippin' christmas
:)
(i should have joined myspace, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 21:32, Reply)

@ Halfy... southern?
HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm SCOTTISH you terrible cunt!

*flounces*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 21:49, Reply)

I know
tee hee hee
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 22:00, Reply)

Anywhere below Birmingham makes you flimsy ponce
With the only exception of East London
(i should have joined myspace, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 22:14, Reply)

so spimf
are you going to take him some haggis, irn bru, and a wee loch ness monster keyring when you go back after christmas?
( ascorbate, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 23:21, Reply)