My house has been taken over by middle-class hippies
My bro got back last night a 8 after an all-nighter in Nottingham. He could hardly speak and looked like he'd gone down with the plague.

"I'm having a couple of friends round"
"fucking hell.. you're not having a large one surely? You look like you need sleep. Havin loads of people round wouldn't be fair. I live here too. I don't want the house wrecked.. again."

About 9 people come round, all totally wasted. There are three-metre lines of coke, ketamine and crushed pills on the kitchen table. The whole house thuds to the sound of really crap techno. Everyone's everyone's best mate ever. Wardrobes get raided and it becomes totally fucking hilarious to wear ski goggles and my mum's aprons.

The house is trashed. I wake up at midday, shower and spend 90 minutes tidying just the kitchen. There are still 10 wannabe hippies hanging round, some of them different to the ones I saw last night. Most of them I don't know from Adam and wouldn't trust as far as I could throw them. No-one's had any sleep. Two of them are tripping on LSD - something I don't like being anywhere near me. It's not nice feeling like you're playing russian roulette drinking your morning orange juice.

I go up to the room they are hanging out in - the warmest room in the house where I like to hang out - with my guitar amp, broadband connection, stereo etc. There's crap everywhere and the floor's sticky. I tell them to wrap things up and go home as soon as possible and mention that if they push me too far they'll get kicked out. I just get a monged out grunt from my brother. One of them has the cheek to seek me out afterwards and try to have a heart-to-heart about how I should be tolerant. He wants me to join them and mentions a massive stash of drugs and vodka. Err.. no thanks. I want a bacon sandwich and to listen to Villa-Everton in peace. I've just had to clean the toilet as someone evidently made a mess over the night and couldn't be arsed to do anything about it. I don't want to see any of them again.

Rubbish drum and bass thuds through the house. This has happened to many times. I'm at my wits end. I know if I say anything they'll just taunt me as usuall - these fuckers act like they have squatters rights here. So I'm fuming in silence.

I'm not enough of a cunt to call the police and don't want to get my parents involved (they are away). I don't really have the balls to kick anyone out, although if they carry on taking the piss I'll be sorely tempted.

WTF do I do? Suggestions? I've pocketed a good 1/8th of weed which goes some way towards retribution, but I'd quite like a break from weed and having these sort of people around over the years has been a massive obstacle to any kind of abstention.

Fucking fuckers.. fuck fuck fuck.. I'm tempted to go the pub and come back with a baseball bat and stomp some fucking hippies. I'll pile them up in the street and pour the rancid sludge I found in the sink this morning over them.

Otherwise: what's winding you up at the moment?
(raymond "three griddle pans" luxury yacht lovin' the christmas action, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 17:07, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Erm...
How about you and your bro not sharing a house?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 17:14, Reply)

A few options.
1. What spak said
2. Take a bunch of drugs and get with the programme
3. Drop some ket/pills etc into random jars/cereals/the coffee and let your parents have a mighty trippy time on their return
4. Counter their taste in music with The Carpenters or an album by Olivia Newton John
5. Man up, and throw them out

Personally, I'd go for option five.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 17:47, Reply)

If this is your parent's house
Then you owe it to them to be the one to have some respect and tell them to fuck off out of the house.

And if there's any damage, make sure your parents know it was down to your bro and his fuckwitted stoner 'mates'.

Christ. Does nobody have any respect for other people's property these days?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 15 Feb 2009, 17:54, Reply)

Grab your lil bro by the scruff of the neck
and tell him to get his friends out of your house and clean the place the fuck up.

If you don't man up as No3l and Davros said, you WILL snap and get the bat, then there'll be trouble you can't fix.

I've lived in too many squatty houses with hippies taking the piss and seen too many people fuck up on K recently to find it funny any more. Get them out and get your bro off that shit before he hurts himself, it's filthy.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 18:18, Reply)

pull the fuse box
and start cunting people in the fuck.

point out that they don't live here and in 1hr the place will be crawling with rozzers if they do not tidy the fuck up anf fuck the fuck off.

Then take your brother down the pub and read theriot book at the piss taking little cunt.

Then move out and explain to your parents why.

edit: Oh and before someone else points it out, man the fuck up :)
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 18:33, Reply)

Taking LSD?
Hmmm. Next time they're on it watch a gory/creepy movie in the same room
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 18:33, Reply)

Stoners are like children
give them clear and simple instructions with no opportunity to argue.
Walk into the room, say, 'I will return in one hour, I expect the house to be tidy and you to be gone, other wise I will call the police. Thank you.' Then walk away. Give them no chance to say anything. Leave the house and come back in an hour.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sun 15 Feb 2009, 18:44, Reply)

Well?
Have they gone yet?
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sun 15 Feb 2009, 21:05, Reply)

i'll pop round later...
with Barry!

that'll teach 'em.

and yeah, on a serious note... a wee bit of positive action now will save an explosion later...
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 15 Feb 2009, 21:47, Reply)

what's winding me up?
I had the most perfect Friday night and valentines day (as perfect as a single bloke can have).

Went to the pub on Saturday night with friends - had a great night. Got an invite to go round for a meal later this week where we'll plan going to Canada for a friend's wedding.

Played football as a ringer for a Cambridge college and only scored the winning goal!

This has been the best weekend in absolutely fucking ages but am I happy? No, I'm bored. Fed up that tomorrow I'm going to have to go to work and force myself to do stuff I can no longer be arsed to do.

I think it's all gone wrong because my mum doesn't understand me. /emos

EDIT: I whole-heartedly agree you should go for No3l's option 5
( djtrialprice, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 22:02, Reply)

It's ok, DJ,
Your mum doesn't understand me either...
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 22:08, Reply)

Decided against violence (wasn't really serious about that anyway)..
..and there's no talking to my brother - believe me I've tried. I will say a few words after he's slept it off (he's asleep and everyone else has left bar the piss-taker who tried to talk me round who is passed out upstairs face covered in rubbed-in pill dust - nice..) but doubt much will come of it.

Not sure how I can "man-up" really, unless you mean not whining on message boards.. there's nothing I could have done. To be honest my bro would probably punch my lights out if I grabbed him by the neck. Suggestions to take drugs with them are not appreciated. I don't like these guys - they're not even house trained. They are almost feral animals who wouldn't give two hoots if I made them watch a horror film while tripping. They've smashed all the CDs they could find belonging to me. I tried to put on my own music last night but got called a nazi.

I need to move out, true, but lack a job or any sort of funds right now. If anything, that's where I'm being lame.

I'm a little disturbed by all the violence advocates. That's where I expected to be flamed.
(raymond "three griddle pans" luxury yacht lovin' the christmas action, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 22:11, Reply)

Oli
Doesn't stop you from making all kinds of loud, monkey noises under the sun.

Just 'cos my dads not in, it's still not on.
( djtrialprice, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 22:12, Reply)

Elvis
Sorry mate, it's an easy thing to say over the internets when it's not my problem or my house. I think the fuse box route Halfy mentioned while very passive aggressive is a good one. Best of luck getting it sorted without murdering anyone.
( djtrialprice, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 22:15, Reply)

Didn't think you were whining dude
Hope the advice helped a little, even to make you feel a bit less alone with a house of fuckers. Personally I wasn't advocating violence, just some light shouting.

I know these sort of guys. They're used to dealing with shite to get their drugs and they're used to turning nasty if anyone gets in the way.

Maybe better advice would be to lock all you valuables in your room, car, anywhere. Go find a friend's sofa to sleep on till you folks get back and one way or another it'll get dealt with - he'll have to face up to the squat he's turned your home in to and clean it or explain to your parents what he's been up to.

If he's that nasty a piece of work, maybe blood shouldn't be thicker than water, just this once? Just another angle to think about.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 22:19, Reply)

Just a random tasteless joke, DJ,
Sounded like your mood could take it.. guess not :-)

edit: hang on, think I read that backwards...like it, lol
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 22:26, Reply)

No, not at all mate
That was me definitely being able to take a joke (much appreciated ;)
( djtrialprice, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 22:31, Reply)

I'm with MrOil
Get your stuff and yourself out and let your folks deal with it.

I still stand by what I said. Most people will do stuff if you tell them to.
Don't shout, don't yell. Just tell them in a calm and measured voice. I do it with my class all the time.
To prove this next time you are having a conversation with someone just hand them something random. They will take it. They don't want it, but they won't realise they've taken it until it's too late.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sun 15 Feb 2009, 23:23, Reply)

Eh
In all seriousness, if there's no talking to them or your brother, and you're not willing to call the police or get your parents involved (and let's not even think about the violence thing) - the only realy sensible choice I can see is to move out. Best of luck to you sorting it out. Living with shitheads is unbearable. It aint just the personal space invasion and them trashing your stuff, it's the fact that there's basicaly nowhere you can actualy live. So yes, best of luck and all.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 0:54, Reply)