It's Not Easy Being Green
“Shut up,” whispered Morgan Freeman, his wizened cheeks glistening with tears. Yet still they beat the drums. Yet still they whooped and hollered and gambolled as the still twitching corpse hung from the rafters of the old bakery.

“Shut UP!” cried Morgan Freeman, his beard now matted by a mixture of snot and despair, his face now awash with the salty residue of his tearful lament. And yet still they washed themselves in the blood of the fallen. Yet still they fell in to each other’s arms, chanting that same, haunting melody that they had throughout the warm day and the cold, dark night.

“It’s not easy being green!” They sang, their voices riding high and sharp in to the eaves of the bakery. “It’s! Not! Easy! Being! Green!”

“SHUT UP!” screamed Morgan Freeman. And finally, accompanied by a dreadful silence broken only by the dull creak of a taught rope supporting a lifeless body, silence reigned in the bakery. “What’s wrong, Freeman?” sneered the smaller, hairier of the two men now stood in front of Freeman, his voice low and menacing. “Yeah, Freeman! Yeah Freeman! Wrong, Freeman! Freeman!” giggled his compatriot, a taller, thicker-set man with an accent that did not match his claimed parentage. He wrapped his arms around the waist of the smaller, hairier body.

Morgan Freeman looked up – and for the first time witnessed the horror of AlBert. When he and Kermit had come to the abandoned bakery for a quiet game of cards where he would attempt to win back the ownership of Miss Piggy, he hadn’t expected to be accosted by the land’s two most perverted criminals. Only last week, they had lain waste to a goat farm, scrawling a giant phallus across the area of an acre, entirely in ejaculate and blood. They were deviants of the highest order, and now...

Now they had mistakenly thought Kermit to be a puppet – curse you, Henson, for making them believe! – and had repeatedly puppeteered him until he died, screaming and twisted.

He felt four cold and sticky hands around his throat. As Al and Bert squeezed the last drops of life from Morgan Freeman, he found himself channelling his character Azeem from Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Using this energy, he sent out a call for help. Seconds later, Kevin Costner crashed through a window, roaring:

“Who the ruddy hell is fucking with the Freeman?”

Al and Bert sprung back – Al drawing a sword from his trousers and Bert pulling a pistol from a holster on his thigh. Al swung for Costner, who channelled his blow, running the outside of his arm along his chest and stepping lightly sideways. Clasping Al’s wrist, Costner twisted it sideways, forcing him to release the grip on the sword, sending it clattering in to a solid, American grip. Another twist of the arm and Al hit the floor, face pressed under a rubber soled boot.

Costner turned just as Bert raised the pistol, but neither attacked. “Seems to me we have a kind of Mexican Stand-off, boys!” Cried Costner, as Freeman untied the limp body of Kermit the Frog. Bert breathed heavily, while Al struggled to get free.

“I don’t know about anyone else...” said Bert “But I’m dead horny right now.”

“Yeah! Horny! Dead! Yeah!” Gibbered Al.

Weapons were lowered, and a truce was called. Solemnly, they buried Kermit underneath the brown bread machine, and went and found a hotel. Soon afterwards, the hotel was forced to close, and Al, Bert, Costner and Freeman were never heard of again.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 13:13, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

I LOVE this

(Bazongaloid, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 13:18, Reply)