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(
rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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It's come true!news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7990385.stm
Explanation in reply
(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 9:07,
17 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Woo!An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window
'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please
you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the
cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.' The manager is
naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a
top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune he
Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet
utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful,
wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song was called "Excuse me prime
minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts
blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively". 'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a
powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
his salty teardrops asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shit
box you get crap on your bell end.' I see' says the manager, 'Have you
got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number
"Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't
care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says
the manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the title
of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that
you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'Fuck it'
says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going
superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is
being received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is
a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he
decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck
he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back
to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar
relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he
winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and
whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your
trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?' 'Know it?' says the
pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
I fucking wrote it!!!'
(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 9:07,
Reply)
That joke's older than you are, sweetcheeks.I've drawn a lovely picture for you, and I'll do my best to upload it today, if I have time.
(
Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 9:14,
Reply)
Clicking doesNOTHING
(
Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 9:21,
Reply)
a *click* in this senseis a sign of my appreciation to Messr. Antichrist for making me laugh.
It was given willingly and I hope, accepted similarly.
These, sir, are the trappings of civility, something with which your ears would be more familiar had they not been smothered as a result of your incessant pillow-biting.
Have a nice day.
rafter
baz
(, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 9:31, Reply)
One of my all time favourite jokes, thereI'd love to hear Ronnie Corbett tell it in one of his monologues. Not that confident he will, mind you. Still waiting.
(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 9:36,
Reply)
Great joke, oldie but goodie*guffaws* Your insult made my day too, baz. I'd forgotten how funny "pillow-biter" is, especially when coupled with the word "incessant".
Nothing like a good laugh in the morning!
And play nice, Bert. Munter.
(, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 10:34, Reply)
I am being nicejust wait til you see my lovely picture.
(
Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 10:44,
Reply)
Watching Bert be civilIs like watching a bear try to fold a map.
(
The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 10:51,
Reply)
A good insult is a thing of beautyAll the more so when executed without resorting to coarseness.
(, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 11:08, Reply)
Cock offfuntbag
(
Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 11:30,
Reply)
You smellyour mother smells
your father smells
everybody you've ever known smells
and you're going to die alone.
(
Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 11:34,
Reply)
Everyone dies aloneunless you're a Pharoah in ancient Egypt.
And yes, I am deliciously fragrant.
You, on the other hand, reek of vegetable skins boiled in a pot of sweat from Anneka Rices' catsuits.
(, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 12:02, Reply)
That's one of the sexiest insults I've ever heard.Seriously, I'm aroused.
Whereas you are the product of Kim Jong Il's sister's fanny farts.
(
Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 12:15,
Reply)
It's good to give.What with the healthier oriental diet and all, I imagine Kim Jong Il's sister's fanny farts emerging like something from Howls Moving Castle and floating wistfully away to a better place leaving a trail of happiness behind for all it touches.
(, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 12:56, Reply)
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