Reason No. 7428 why I am going to hell.
As long time readers of my post know, I don't have a good relationship with my ex wife, who I refer to as Nurse Ratched. She's been hostile to an insane degree ever since we separated nine years ago, and before that she was an angry, controlling shrew. Since then she's become increasingly bitter and freaky.

Apparently she hasn't felt well recently, and the other day she felt so dizzy whenever she stood and moved around that she called in to work sick. She then went to the doctor's office where they determined that she was severely anemic from blood loss, and sent her to the hospital for a transfusion and testing. She was so badly off that they made my son come and get her. She was checked in and stayed overnight while they stabilized her, and they did colonoscopies and other testing today.

Needless to say, this has been a severe mindfuck for my kids. I've been assuring them that she'll be fine, that it's likely an ulcer or something, but secretly I've been afraid that she had a tumor or something- she had a cervical cancer scare a few years ago, she smokes, and she's always stressed out over something. I figure that I will outlive her, but I have always assumed that she's at least make it to 70 or so. It's been a pretty hard thing for me to contemplate- much as she's made my life hard, I really don't want her to die this young.

This afternoon they finally did the tests and reported the results.

She has an internal hemorrhoid.

I used to tell her that she was so uptight that only dogs could hear her fart. I used to joke that if I stuck a lump of coal up her ass, in two weeks she'd shit a diamond. I used to say that one day her sphincter would implode.

I never really thought it would happen.

After my kids told me the news, I kept steady until I was off the phone, then cracked up for about an hour.

It couldn't have happened to a more deserving asshole.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 30 Sep 2009, 21:38, 25 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Shall I remind you of reason 7426 why you are going to hell?

( girlinthehole, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 21:40, Reply)

I think that would be
when I told Richard that the waitress at Hooters would fail a Turing test due to her being a two-synapse cretin. That was about four days ago.

No. 7425 was probably when I embarrassed my daughter by holding a cucumber in the store inappropriately while gurning.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 30 Sep 2009, 21:45, Reply)

Forget it.
*shrugs*
( girlinthehole, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 21:51, Reply)

Fuggedabowdit BGB, he ain't wurf it.
*looks at picture of TRL*

*swoons*

Ooooooo, he's so dishy.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 21:53, Reply)

you slut, pushing her away so you can weasle your way in!
you should be ashamed
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 21:55, Reply)

Have you met him?
If you met him, you'd understand. He's HAWT!
(Bazongaloid, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 21:58, Reply)

well yeah
I have met him
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 22:00, Reply)

Did you get all giggly and say something silly
and then get all wet?

I did.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 22:04, Reply)

My hands shook a bit

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 22:05, Reply)

That's just a side effect of the Rohypnol.

( girlinthehole, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 22:06, Reply)

were they holding his penis at the time?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 22:07, Reply)

you'd like that, wouldn't you....?
*adopts Nigella voice*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 22:14, Reply)

Ooooo, yeah
now lick all that chocolate off your fingers.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 22:17, Reply)

*licks chocolate in an attempt to be provocative*
*misses gob*
*drops molten chocolate*
Aw, FFS, it missed me threepenny bits an' landed on me bellies like ye knaa!
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 22:22, Reply)

Hehe!
It's always the dishy ones that fuck you up.
( girlinthehole, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 21:57, Reply)

Darling sweetheart,
You are wasting your fragrance on the desert air.
Or pissing into the wind, whichever analogy you prefer....

XXX
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 22:10, Reply)

I pissed in the wind once but just got my knickers wet.

( girlinthehole, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 22:16, Reply)

I pissed on a nettle patch a couple of years ago,
lost my balance as some bloke trotted through the field with his horse. Couldn't find a dock leaf big enough :-(
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 22:19, Reply)

PROCTALGIA!
*adjusts reply count*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 22:12, Reply)