I love shopping.
A few months ago I was at the checkout in Tesco and was loading my shopping onto the conveyor belt. I took out a 12 pack of canned dog food and a large bag of mixer. A woman standing behind me said, "Ahhh, do you have a dog?" I turned to her and replied in a calm way with a straight face, "No, I eat it myself. I can't afford meat and I make pies with it." She looked shocked and didn't answer me. By now the customers behind her were either shocked or ammusued so I played to them. I turned to her again and said, "Trouble is last time I ate Chum, I ended up in hospital. Drips out me arm, the lot but I thought I'd give it another go". She looked amazed and asked if I had been poisoned to which I replied, "No, I was sitting in the road licking my bollocks and got run over".

EDIT: I piising myself laughing here at you lot. Lighten the fuck up for fuck sake. There are many places where you can be serious. b3ta isn't one of them, you sad bunch of shitwhistles.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Mon 19 Oct 2009, 16:39, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This sounds like the kind of lie
that would get most QOTW users told off by /talk, but it did make me laugh.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 16:43, Reply)

heehee

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 16:46, Reply)

As you know, sir,
The old ones are the best. ;o)
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 19 Oct 2009, 16:54, Reply)

and like the OP himself
it is old, but sadly very far from the best...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 17:05, Reply)

How's life been treating you?
Found any diamonds, or been molested by a gaggle of supermodels, or won any lottery's, or bought any football clubs, or discovered any cures for cancer, or won any nobel peace prizes, or flown any space shuttles, or found any meteorites, filmed any ghosts, in HD of course. Nommed any croissants?

Anyways, after reading your post of a few days ago, i decided that, fulfilling as my life is/has been, it is completely eclipsed by yours and personally I don't think it will ever reach those dizzy heights of smugness. Should I end it all now? Save myself any potential disappointment by all that lack of attainment.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 17:01, Reply)

"then I had some great sex with her in my fast car"

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 17:03, Reply)

To: Several posters above
This post may perhaps be a joke.

Grow up.
(TheColonel, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 17:08, Reply)

what?
You mean it's not a true story about eating dog food, but a joke? With a punchline about bollocks?

I see...I'd no idea. Thanks for your help.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 17:11, Reply)

Let this be a lesson to us ALL
bodylovewellness.blogspot.com/2008_08_01_archive.html
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 17:12, Reply)

and Vipros has gone home sick
Hmmmm......the boy needs treatment perhaps.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 17:12, Reply)

it all starts
with a single croissant on the balcony and ends with fast cars, helicopters and as much sex as you want.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 17:16, Reply)

and BRILLIANT Pink Floyd tribute bands

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 17:17, Reply)

hahahaha
how could i forget. If I had been him, or at least as good as, i wouldn't have forgotten.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 17:23, Reply)

is this some kind of jibe?
I do like pink floyd and have enjoyed the odd tribute concert.

I like to think that none of my posts are along the lines of "I'm great, and am telling you for no reason" followed by "hahaha, I'm great because you all commented on my post about how great I am. Oh the irony"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 18:41, Reply)

'I piising myself '
Are you Norwegian?

oh and EDIT: not finding your shit joke funny doesn't make me 'serious' - I am here only to mock and be amused. Seeing as you've failed dismally at the latter, I'm having a go at the former.

If this is a sample of your kerrazy, bad-taste standup routine, it's FUCKING TERRIBLE.

Toodle-pip!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 18:06, Reply)

Woah, careful Cap'n.
We take our humour very seriously here.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 18:20, Reply)

I can't speak for anyone else although I'm fairly sure most would say the same thing
it is rarely serious here. Except when people try and be funny and aren't. Then it's dull and there is nothing more serious than being bored.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 18:43, Reply)

Always the last resort of the terminally unfunny....
I have seen dying open mic standup failures splutter it a dozen times:


'What? Haven't you lot got a sense of humour?'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 8:50, Reply)